Wednesday, January 10, 2007


Last night an event did not turn out the way I hoped and expected. Don't sweat the small stuff my sister always says. And yea, it wasn't a big deal really. But to me, small things matter so much. I can't explain why. And this particular incident, although seemingly insignificant made me sad. I was disappointed and frustrated. To me it was a sign of things to come, a forming pattern that would keep on occurring (in different ways) until it did eventually amount to something significant or BIG. But as mentioned in my previous entry, I am now capable of blocking out negative thoughts (better than I used to anyway) and I tried to push it aside instead of allowing myself to turn into the drama queen that I am (hey, I didn't ask to be this way). So I told myself, "Pu let it be...." I bid my farewell to Ots and upon hearing her voice, I couldn't help but cry. Relax she told me, all will be fine. I know that. I thought of God and aknowledged his constant presence.

I am in the process of moving to Kajang and am clearing my room in stages. My car was loaded with clothes, boxes of books/magazines, my art stuff, etc. and I prepared for the drive back. I didn't want to cry but heck when your'e sad and there's no one there to comfort you, a few tears always help. So I allowed myself to let go. As I was driving down the hill, I switched on the radio and as usual, it's all crap. Then I remembered that I just got my ipod charged and uploaded with some praise and worship songs that Meriel had given me. I am instantly relieved that I at least have quality music to entertain me during my drive back. I always set my ipod on shuffle. I forget what the first song was but I skipped it. Then Alanis Morisette's Ironic came on and I skipped it too (but I love that song!). At that same moment I prayed for some praise and worship just to soothe my heavy heart. And of all the 115 hits and 20 p&w songs in my ipod, I hear a voice and this is what it says,
"God we lay down our burdens, our cares, our troubles before you because truly (music starts playing gently) you are our all in all, you are our king of kings, and we worship you today, we praise your name because of who you are and what youv'e done for us...."

The moment I hear these comforting words, I break down sobbing. This time tears of pure joy (remember the joy I was looking for?). Overcome with peace. He spoke to me and assured me that when I am troubled or broken, all I have to do is seek Him and I will be free and made whole again. The feeling was AMAZING, I felt like I could do anything, overcome everything. I could not stop thanking Him over and over again. I have always felt God's presence in my life but this time it rushed through me stronger than ever before.

And then, the song starts....

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all

Seeking you as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of god
Worthy is your name
Jesus lamb of god
Worthy is your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again I bless your name
You are my all in all

When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of god
Worthy is your name
Jesus lamb of god
Worthy is your name

Although an old song that I have known for ages now, You Are My All In All (by Hillsong if I am not mistaken) has recently (some months now) touched me in a way never before and I've made a request for it to be played during my wedding as I walk down the isle. Now more than before, it holds special meaning to me.

True happiness - joy is something we have to work hard to achieve and an experience we need to constantly nurture and continuously grow.
One last thing, I received a promotion today. Not the one that I have been waiting for but maybe something better. Praise the Lord!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Happy people make me wanna barf

I have been reading people's blogs lately and it makes me sick how happy some people can be. I know I sound bitter. I am. Honestly, is it really possible to be THAT happy? It's disgusting. It's not that I'm depressed or anything. I just can't help it if I find it annoying that some people seem to live in a fairy tale of happily ever after. Why is it I am not deliriously happy??

I've tried it all. Think happy thoughts, always be positive, take each day at a time, pray and let God, etc. They all kinda work to a certain extent, and yea I'm 'happy' for that moment but then I'm back where I started in no time. Praying helps and I feel relief and am able to keep myself above average in the happiness department but still, something is lacking. I need the happiness or joy to run through me and live in me. Inside, I am just blek. I want to be thrilled and eager to live life. I want to be excited to see what tomorrow brings. I want to be me. I want US. I want peace.

What have I to look forward to? The future stresses me out. Not thinking about it helps. The constant worry I have over my future happiness is stopping me from experiencing happiness now. I have actually mastered the art of blocking all (ok not all, just about 80% of) negative thoughts out of my head, which is great but in the process I've come to realize happiness is not something that will surely follow. Why not?? True happiness - joy does not come about from something that happens to you or something someone does for you. It comes from within. How do I bring it out? How in the hell do happy people do it?

While waiting for an answer, I keep this verse close to heart:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,
And lean not on thine own understanding,
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct thy path.

Proverbs 3: 5-6