P-SPOT

Who Am I?

2011-11-12T03:47:00.003+08:00

Who am I?

Am I the person who prepares the meals hoping it would turn out just right?
Am I the being who clears the table and wipes the dishes clean?
Am I the lady who washes, folds and irons the clothes?
Am I the mummy who brushes, bathes and dresses?
Am I the saviour who plants kisses and blows where it hurts?
Am I the woman who waits eagerly every day for him to return?
Am I the presence who loves with all her heart?
Am I the eager one who struggles to impress?

Who am I?

Am I just the above?

My Nose Humbles Me

2011-11-02T03:31:00.009+08:00

Inspiration comes from a steaming hot tub mixed with mint, pine and rosemary aromatherapy bubble bath and a 2008 French red. - Pu

My nose humbles me. I have thought about that many times in recent years. And as much insecurities and pain it has caused me, I thank the Lord for depriving me of a bridge. I started feeling 'ugly' about the time I had my first boyfriend (funny how that is). It was a phase; hey, everyone has an 'ugly phase'! Mine lasted about 3 years; after that I felt average, for the most part. And a few times in between pretty even, there were times I settled for 'cute'. Oh, before any judgement boils out from the bellies of some of you who are reading this, please know that I do not write this out of self- pity, nor do I expect any sympathy. Even more so, please do not scorn me for being so shallow. I was young. This comes directly from within me out onto your screen, as honest as I can ever be. Today, I am 32, I still have my insecurities and beautiful (externally) people still intimidate me, average people make me feel comfortable in my own skin (unless they are super smart, then I am back to feeling intimidated) and ugly people are just well, ugly. Ugly, of course, until you get to know them and if they are nice then suddenly they are not so ugly anymore. But hey, that happens to beautiful (on the outside) people too, if they suck on the inside, then somehow they become ugly on the outside as well. And before you start throwing your judgement at me again, beauty (and ugliness the same) is in the eye of the beholder. As cliche as that sounds, it's totally true. What's beautiful to you could be hideous to someone else.

Anyway, back to the nose. A dear friend once called it 'button nose'. Apparently that's supposed to be cute, maybe for a 2 year old! That's ok, to each his/her own. Twice in my life (believe it or not) has anyone ever (that I know of) mentioned or spoke of my nose in a negative and insulting way. The first from a boy called Mikhael in University who thought he was parading the latest trend with his thick black-rimmed glasses (not cool at all). I hardly knew him and could not call him a friend, but he had the audacity to come up to me one day during lunch and ask me, "Why is your nose like that?". In (shocked) reply, I calmly said, "I don't know. Genetics." What was he expecting? A tragic story of how a Sabahan 4WD Ninja rammed into my face one unfortunate afternoon? That was a real hurtful and awkward moment for me. Until then, the most I have felt from people (with regards to my not so gorgeous nose) is looks of avoidance. You know how when someone has a huge zit right at the tip of their nose and as hard as you try to avoid looking at it, somehow your eyes get drawn to it anyway? Yea, that. Haha! I SO know the feeling, totally unavoidable sometimes unless you have super strong will power.

The second time was years later. And I do not wish to go into details. This was like a sharp dagger piercing through my (I am tempted to say heart but would like to avoid cliche again) whole being and just breaking all 28 years of me into pieces right there. I don't know what felt worse, the incident that day or someone (very high on my, 'I love you' list) telling me, "You are SOOO ugly!" (disgusted look included). It's ok though, all is forgiven, though not forgotten. Hey, you can't forget everything! You don't want to risk forgetting the lessons you have learned from your experiences as well, right? In any case, if you are wondering, my heart has healed. And in case you are judging me and accusing me of being a 'drama queen', it's ok. Go ahead, judge me you judger.

How can a nose humble a person, you may wonder? Well, for one I can't possibly be accused of being 'hidung tinggi'. (On and off) since I was 15, I have wished for a 'normal' (hey, who's to say what's normal?) nose. I figured, I could accept my legs (though I wish they were longer), my hips (that were not boyishly narrow enough), my hair no matter how I had it didn't succeed in making me look any better. And hey, my grades that were never really good enough! Oh, the pressure of being 15 and a girl! As a teenager and a young adult, I judged myself based on my appearance, and to me that was pretty much based on my nose, right there at the centre of my face! But I exaggerate, really, it was not too bad, I had other things going for me. I had a good fit body. Genetics and swimming helped me there.

Anyway, a decade and a half later, I still look at my nose with disdain. Hey, it's the first thing I see when I look in the mirror, ok! It bothers me, yes but much less so now that I have matured. What I feel when I look in the mirror now (not a 100% of the time, I still have my bad days) is BLESSED. Totally blessed that the only real and outstanding flaw I find in my (outer) self, is my nose. And maybe to some of the few people who truly love me not even a flaw. But something beautiful and unique to Pu Ei.

The Lord, He has given me this perfectly functioning body. My neck that supports my head straight, a head that holds a brain that functions perfectly - controlling my complete limbs, 20 fingers and 20 toes. My spine that allows complete movement. Hair. I have hair. My speech that I may have endless conversations with my husband, and my sight that I may watch my children grow. My sense of smell that I may smell the yummy curry my mother-in-law has made and my sense of touch that I may embrace my parents. My healthy internal organs that carry out my internal processes efficiently. My body though having born two children is still in good shape. How could have this tiny 'flaw' or 'imperfection' have made me so miserable? How could I have allowed it? How could I be so shallow and insensitive? Well, I truly believe that God gave me my flaws (my nose especially) as a lesson. To keep me grounded. He has his ways of grounding His children. And He's had His way with me through the years. And I am grateful that it's actually been a not so tough journey of learing and self-discovery. What He has in store for me, I don't know....

Our First Adventure: The Train Ride

2011-09-15T03:23:00.006+08:00

Today the girls and I went on our first train ride into Duisburg town. I packed them nice, warm and snug in our 2-in-1 stroller (means single stroller with two babies in it) and off we went in search of adventure. It's a whole 5 minute walk to the train station. And 2 flights of stairs up to the platform. My plan was to unload the girls, get them to hold hands and walk up the stairs slowly by my side while I carried the stroller. Totally do-able but lucky us, we had a nice young gentleman offer his manly services and lug the stroller up for me while the three of us girls walked up the stairs hand-in-hand. That was a good start to an uncertain outing.

And so we reach the platform and well, it was nothing but a platform! I wondered where the ticket counter was, no one around to assist in times when the ticket machine didn't work. That's probably because the machine works all the time. So I decide to give my (very little) German a go and approach this older couple. "Entschuldigung, meine Deutsch ist nicht gut. Aber was bahnhof zu Konig-Heinrich Platz?" They seem to understand me and walk across to the information board. The man comes back and tells me the name of the station. He even helps me purchase the ticket from the machine, and buys me a 'kinder' (child) ticket. Not too sure if he did that on purpose or by accident, either way it saved me 0.90 euros. The lady tells me which platform to board the train and that it would arrive in 5 minutes, AND its only 1 stop away! What?? We were all prepared for an adventure! 1 WHOLE stop? Gee. Anyway, in exactly 5 minutes the train stops in front of us, we board and 3 minutes later we alight at our station. Very exciting journey indeed. Oh I shouldn't complain, 2 months from now and I will be grateful for this; the simplicity.

Thank goodness there are elevators at this station. Just when I am relieved that I need not worry about carrying the stroller down and not being able to 'hold' my little girls, the little girls start arguing over who gets to press the elevator button. Gah! Elil pressed it the first time, Nila got to press the button inside the lift. Ok, problem solved. So, how do we get to Konig-Heinrich Platz from here and how long will it take by foot? Again I practise my German, this time on an elderly lady. She understood me; of course it did not take too much, I just mentioned the street and she pointed straight then 'links' (left). Aha, another 5 minute walk! And so we were there. A long street with shops on either side, backerei's galore, a WOOLWORTH's, McDonald's (we had our lunch there btw), a mall and a Kartstadt (A German departmental store), C&A, H&M, Esprit. Not a giant mall, but decent - you won't get lost in it. The girls keep asking for Mega Mall, "when are we going to reach mega mall mummy?" asks Elil.

We walk into WOOLWORTH's, the first shop I see. We are comparing prices and quality in different stores, just so we know where to go and where not to. I tell the girls they get ONE thing each. Elil cannot make up her mind between Disney Princess handsoap or glittery, shiny fairy stickers. Nila made up her mind instantly with a Disney Princess mug. In the end, Elil chucked the handsoap for the stickers and Nila put her mug away and grabbed the princess handsoap from her big sis. Ahhh kids....you gotta love 'em! And so we walked around for a bit. Went into Hema, which had some pretty nice house stuff, a little more costly but also better in quality and look.

Soon it was time to go back, the girls had a playdate with Jordan (playdates? so soon? yup!). And so we had our McDonald's and back to the 'bahnhof' (station). Getting back was not as easy as getting there. I managed to get my ticket pretty easy because they have a language selection on the machine, that was great, I felt so efficient. Until, of course I could not find the correct platform to wait at. There were more than a dozen and I had no idea which line to take. We walked up and down the station, and asked for assistance from 2 people who like me had no idea. Finally, I find an information counter where they guide me in the right direction. Yay! In no time we are home and 15 minutes later we hear a ring at the door and there is Jordan with his face pressed against the glass. What a wonderful day we had! I look forward to the next adventure, maybe into Dusseldorf with daddy doo-doo.

Life Goes On

2011-09-13T21:47:00.000+08:00

This morning I brought Elil and Nila to the park nearby. It is the Duisburg-Wedau Sports Park and School. It is a ten minute walk away from our home and it's facilities are open to the public. The Duisburg Stadeum is right next door. There are also lakes where apparently they hold annual regattas. And jogging/cycling and walking friendly trails too. Several different play areas for children. Today the girls played in a wooden sunken-ship playground. The play area is covered in sand; the girls are not used to this, getting sand in their shoes. I let them run around barefoot. Connected to the sunken-ship is a man-made mini lake, with a stream and small waterfall running through it. It's a whole lot of fun for the kids. The girls could not resist the water and so I stripped them to their undies (totally unplanned) and they splished-splashed about in the cold water without feeling any cold. Lucky the sun was in and out so they didn't freeeze. Not too sure what the German lady watching us was thinking though. Not too impressed with this Asian lady allowing her kids to 'freeze' in the cold. They were fine, really they were.

This morning hubs left for Sargans, Switzerland. He will be back in 4 days. I miss him dearly. So soon after our big move and he's gone again. This is his third trip in the 16 days we have been here. I look forward to his return. It's time for us, the girls and I to have our 'daddy' back. He's been away far too long and too often in the past. These girls need more and more consistent hubby and daddy time. Never has his hugs and kisses felt so good and oh so fine. I was missing the electricity and power in that touch. Well, it's back now and hopefully back for good! *Sigh*

The 42"LG LCD (courtesy of hubs company) standing on the floor in our echoing (still pretty empty pre-furniture arriving) living room is on 12 hours a day. This is our only source of entertainment other than going out for a walk (sometimes the weather not permitting), or the sand box outside (again depending on weather conditions). All the girl's toys and most of their books are in the container awaiting clearance somewhere in Duisburg Port (i think). Thank God for the media player hubs got just before we moved. He's loaded it with a decent (some indecent ones too, not for the kiddos of course) array of movies and cartoons sufficient for movie marathon after movie marathon and back again. Once our DVDs and Blue Rays get here, no more Tom and Jerry, Mr. Bean (animated or not) and Spongebob Square Pants for me. I have seen enough to last me 10 life-times!

With all that being said, I am grateful and feel so utterly blessed and I cannot thank the Lord enough. Thank You for me, for who I am (the good and the bad), thank You for the man I married (eventhough he truly drives me nuts at times I love him deeply), for the perfect little monkeys You have entrusted in my care, Thank You for the life we have had and enjoyed, for the future You have in store for us. I surrender us to Your care. Amen.

Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

New Beginnings

2011-09-09T19:55:00.003+08:00

We have been relocated. Hubs, myself and the girls. Halfway around the world; Dusseldorf Germany to be exact. 10 nights now, away from our home in Damai Mewah. The holiday feeling has started to fade and so begins reality. I miss our home, the neighbourhood, the people who live in it still. I miss my family the most. This is going to sound so cliche but you don't realize how much you take the people you love for granted until you are miles and miles apart. The saddest part about the distance is that grandma/pati, grandpa/tata, aunties, uncles and cousins don't get to be apart of our lives, we won't get to grow up together. However, it would make reunions and family gatherings so much more rare and treasured.

I look forward to our new life in this part of the world, where every 3 months the season changes. Soon the colours of the leaves will change. Red, orange, pink, yellow, brown I tell Elil. She cannot fathom it. Everything we see on the side walk is amazing to her as we take our brisk walks in the cool and windy evenings. Hazelnuts that have fallen from the trees, all kinds of cones from the many pine trees, maple leaves, even pebbles are unique. They look forward to the snow, a white Christmas this year I hope. For now, the days are still long and so I put my sweet angels to bed when the sun is still out and they tell me, "...but its still early mummy!" They fall asleep so easily anyway, no more afternoon naps after a full day of school. Works well for me, bedtime is no longer a struggle. They love their bedtime stories still. Rhymes for Nila, they are short (she can only focus so long) and sweet. Mermaid and princess stories for Elil. Sometimes we have a little of reptiles and dinosaurs too just to spice things up.

When our first year is up, I intend to be apart of the working world again. Nila should be in school and I should have better grasp of the Deutsch language. Something simple, part-time maybe to pass my time and fill my pockets if only just a little. Good thing 1 Euro can go a long way, much longer than a Ringgit. I look forward to it. An adventure has just begun, a young family of four is on the wagon. We are in it together, through the good and bad, happy and sad. Wish us well, were on our way....

The day she left...pfft!

2010-06-16T09:34:00.004+08:00

So 3 entries ago I blogged about how relieved I was that Novie had finally arrived. I was nervous having a stranger in my home, hoping and praying she had the heart and patience to assist with my two kiddos. Housework was not the concern. I'd have been grateful if she could use a washing machine and vacumn cleaner without too much assistance. It took a while for her to settle in comfortably with the family but eventually she did and I liked her, I truly did. She was great with Nila and Elil was fond of her. She was strong and helped out with the gardening. She was polite and didn't talk back or show a face (all except once which is forgivable I guess).

All was well until one fine day when my phone bill came in and I did the out of the ordinary; I looked at it. To my horror, the bill came up to 5 times its normal amout and as I looked at the breakdown I was disappointed to find several calls a day throughout the day to one number. A number that was unfamiliar to hubs and myself. Oh Novie Novie, why? I know I must confront her with this but how? Two days later soon after I put the kids down for the night, I go downstairs for a glass of water. I don't have a foot down the step when I hear the phone hang up. My heart is racing and I am so upset. I decide that I will have a chat with her the very next morning. Come morning I write the number down on a piece of paper and show it to her. "Do you know this number?" I say. She immediately admits to making the calls. To her "adik kandung" who works in Perak apparently. Of course I don't believe her. I give her a stern warning and she knows never to make phone calls to whoever behind my back ever again. She knows now that any calls she may want to make to her family whom she 'misses' must go through me. So that settles that or so I thought.

Days later after she had completed her chores she came up to me watching tv and asks me to sms her 'adik kandung'. She gives me 2 numbers, one I have never seen before. Apparently this brother of hers has two lines, ok whatever. "Take perlu sms", I say. I will call him immediately. Of course I want my chance to speak to 'brother' myself. A dude with a thick Indonesian accent picks up. Long story short, none of the information she gives me regarding her 'brother' matches. He has a different name, does not work in a Perak palm oil estate and has never met a Novie in his life! WTF! If there's one thing I truly despise, it's being lied to. It pisses me off to no end. I tell her what I know and wait for her explanation. She has none, no lie readily available in her brain. After several minutes however she manages another bogus story to which I tell her I know is lies. No more I said. No more calls. Period. I ask her if she likes being lied to. She replied no. And I tell her to go back to her room.

It takes me a few days but I manage to calm down. About a month and I forget the ordeal although another bill comes in with the same pattern except the number has changed. Looking at the dates, all the calls were made prior to our little chat so I say nothing of it. Things are back to normal between us or so I think. We celebrate Nila's birthday in April. However, one morning about a week after the party I am woken by a smiling Nila trying to climb on her mummy. I am exhausted from a heavily disrupted night and on mornings like these, I hand Nila over to Novie so I can get some shut eye before beginnning the day. This morning, I call to Novie and no reply. I go downstairs, I call her as I do so. No reply. No Novie. Panic sets in. I rush to check all the doors, everything still secure. I check her room. Gone are her things together with the sports bag she had when she first came. I run upstairs to look for her passport, my heart about to leap out of my chest. Its gone! Just like Novie, gone. I don't know how to feel. I try call hubs who is in Delhi, no answer. I call my mum. I know there's not much she can do being miles away but somehow that is always my first instinct. When in trouble, run to mummy. She calms me down and tells me I should inform my in-laws and also contact the agent who would know what to do. I do this and by late morning have my locks changed and lodged a police report. The agent needs to cancel her work permit with immigration. And that's really all I can do. No replacement maid or refund cozshe passed her 3 month guarantee period (such BS if you ask me considering we just paid close to 9k for her). Only later do I find out that there is an insurance that you can get to protect yourself. Later, too late.

And so that is my story after months of absence. Shes gone. And I am alone with the kids. I am struggling I must admit. I don't have a life. Am I able? I am. I know I can do it. Maidless. But I don't really want to do it. I am grumpy and over-exhausted. I am bitter at times and stressed and frustrated most of the time. I don't like being this way. And so I will update you once we get our next domestic help.

I can't upload pictures...

2010-02-09T16:51:00.004+08:00

I am using a prehistoric (no bluetooth) laptop with a USB port that is not functioning. And so I cannot upload any pictures which makes blogging just a little less exciting. To top that off my 'E' key has just broken off. It flies off everytime I type 'e', which is pretty darn often. And so I have put the little plastic piece aside and am pressing the little rubber knob (which has just bouncd off btw). I'll get used to it. I have so many pictures I am super excited to post, so much has been happening, so much going on. At home and with the babies. And oh wonderful (not), now my exclamation mark is giving me problems!!!!!!!!!! Oh well. Anyhow, this is one of those super rare moments where I am able to collect my thoughts (somewhat) and (quickly) blog a little about my simple, blessed and fulfilled life....

Two is a small number but two children are truly a handful, especially if they're my kids....the demanding duo! My days and nights are filled with "Mummy, no I don't want to bath!" or "Can we go playground? Can? Can? Too hot? Too late?" or "No! I don't want breakfast!" or just plain "wahhhhhhhh...." Sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out or knocking my head against the wall. Sometimes I feel my knees and ankles buckling, close to collapsing as I walk down the stairs with either baby in my arms. But most of the times I look at these two little faces staring back at me and my heart just melts. And the very rare moment where I squeeze in a 10 minute power nap and regain my strength. But there are also the times when I am anxious for this phase to pass. The terrible 2's and the early unsettled months. I remember promising to myself not so long ago that I would never call this zone Elil is in the 'Terrible 2's'. How could I ever refer to my angel baby as terrible?? But now that I am smack in the middle of it, that's exactly how she can be at times, TERRIBLE. However, I am consoled by the fact that it is a phase and it shall pass and she is absolutely normal. Anyway, a lot of the time she is angel, especially in her sleep. Console. Console.

Every (every) night for 5 months solid, Nila has woken me up an average of 6-7 times. Either for feeds or just to be pacified. In the past weeks she has settled down and wakes an average of 3 times a night which may be horror for some mummies but is nothing short of a miracle for me. I do believe she is starting to settle and develop a more 'normal' sleeping habit. However, she now sleeps with us in the bed throughout the night so I am sure this has contributed to her adjustment. Now there are 4 in the bed, mummy, daddy and two angels. I say, time for a bigger bed, no?

The day after we got back from our wonderful trip to KK, work started in our kitchen. Elil waited three whole weeks for the 'uncles' to make our kitchen beautiful. Not my dream kitchen I must say but still a pretty great looking kitchen worthy of praise! Finally, I have a fully functional kitchen! Unfortunately, because my lappy not fully functional (like my new kitchen ;)), you won't be seeing pictures of it anytime soon. I have invited Ots and her clan over tomorrow for some cupcake making and decorating fun. Yum.

TTFN

I LOVE KK

2010-01-02T20:11:00.003+08:00

I am AT HOME in KK. I moved to KL in 1997 to pursue my degree. I have lived here ever since, minus about a year and a half after graduating (before I decided that I wanted to marry my then boyfriend) when I worked for a local consultant. KL is no where close to developing that sense of HOME in me. It probably never will. I don't hate it, I just don't love it. Sorry KLians! I am so AT HOME at home. It's a feeling I have always had. A feeling most people have about their hometowns I guess. And with things and feelings that are always with you, they tend to become immune to you, as in you forget about them. Until of course something happens to remind you of them.

Like just the other day. I met up with Sel, Mel and Yo for coffee. It took absolutely no planning and hardly any thought. I just felt like a coffee and some time with friends. So I send a mass (if I can call it that) sms, receive 3 positive replies and voila, under half an hour later, 4 old friends are together in and Olde Kopitiam. Because Nila can't do without her mama, I had to wear her on me and Sel was designated driver. A message came in my E71 and Ms. Driver said she'd leave in 5 minutes. 10 minutes later, Sel was outside my house, ringing on my doorbell. She (had the time and energy) to come down and have a short chat with my parents, say hello to Elil before we set off. It just amazed me how simple it was to meet up, to hang out, to do anything really. A coffee date like that in KL would require so much planning.

First, I'd have to find someone to hang out with! Of course this has nothing to do with the city itself but more of my lack of skill in making new and lasting friendships. Hahaha, so let's assume I find someone to hang out with, first we'd have to figure out 'when?' Said friend, "Let me check my calender...umm I'm free two weeks from Friday". Ok, so I got to wait two weeks! I might not even want coffee in two weeks!

Next, we'd have to figure a suitable 'time'. We'll need to avoid travelling during peak hours...that would be after 10am but before noon or before 5pm but after 8, IF were lucky. We'd also have to take parking space availability into consideration. Whatever! This is getting too complicated! Maybe i'll just have Bru Coffee alone at home?

You see we don't even have to get to 'where' yet. But let's go there anyway. Seeing as it takes a minimum of 30 minutes (assuming there is no jam) and 3 tolls for me to get to anywhere that's 'anywhere' hangout-able, somewhere in-between for everyone; I think i'll just stay at home and flip through my house magazines and get some inspiration for my future kitchen.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying its impossible. It's do-able but requires much effort, an amount of energy and quite a bit of stress. People do it all the time. With further distances, more tolls and unavoidable jams too. It's a way of life for some. A life considered good too. It just isn't for me. I have always been a small girl from a small town with a small town heart and I will probably always be. I've tasted both lives and I truly cherish my happy humble beginnings. With that being said, I am sure all who read this feel the exact same way about their 'humble beginnings' as well.

She's Here!

2009-12-04T08:22:00.005+08:00

I have been desperately anticipating Novita's arrival but when hubs informed me we were to pick her up from the agent the next day, I was anxious. I had not prepared her daily schedule. How do I begin training her? A stranger coming to stay with us. Would she be pleasant? She seemed decent in her profile picture. Would the babies warm up to her? She has two of her own so she should know how to handle little children, I consoled myself.

It's been two weeks since her first day and Kakak Novie has pretty much settled in our home. To my surprise and relief, the children did not take long to warm up to their new kakak. Elil is easily won over. Chase her around the house a little, hide from the monsters with her, read a book about animals and you are her new best friend. Nila however, not so easy to convince. She is fine for a while with Kakak as long as mummy is not within sight and earshot. But surprise surprise, today for the first time she fell asleep in Novie's arms. In fact, she's in the sling on Novie right this minute. It's a relief that I am finally able to have some time to myself. However, a part of me still wants to be the one to do EVERYTHING for Nila (and Elil still). It's me being insecure and possessive but we'll get into that another time.

I did not know what to expect from our new help cum nanny. I hoped I did not have to explain to her what Clorox Bleach is and how to boil water on the gas stove or how to use a vacuum cleaner. I've heard so many stories. Luckily, she knows how to handle most electrical appliances and is familiar with all the cleaning agents. She is neat and well mannered. Clean and gentle especially with the babies. My house is not as immaculately perfect as it once was. But this I have allowed deliberately. I tell myself, a home with 2 children is meant to be a little messy. So what if everything is not exactly where it should be all the time? Yes, I have loosened up. And for now it seems we have created a comfortable routine for ourselves.

During my absence...

2009-11-06T15:49:00.003+08:00

While I have been away, I have made many notes to myself on things I MUST write about. As I lay down at night (during those 2 seconds before I fall asleep), some experiences come back to me. This one in particular was truly a light bulb moment that I cannot not share with you. I am sure everyone will be able to relate to it in some way (regardless of your religion/thought)....

A visiting priest to HFK talked about happiness, about joy. He spoke of how happiness is the most intimate desire of every person walking this planet; of how very few people are able to say they are truly full of JOY. Father (I forget his name) quoted the words of a Brother (I forget his name) somewhere in Italy I believe who identifies 3 truly simple ways to be happy, happy all the way to the core. And here they are:

1. Have no attachments. Do not attach yourself to anything material. We all know THINGS can't ultimately bring us JOY. Although they are indeed fun to HAVE their shine will eventually fade. DO NOT ATTACH YOURSELF TO ANOTHER PERSON. Father says, "In freedom let go and in freedom they will return". Don't cling onto your husband/wife or your children. They don't belong to you.

2. In all things GIVE THANKS. Oh how this was a slap across the face. So many times I find myself asking God, "Why? Why couldn't You make it easier?Why can't it go my way for once?" And even though at the end of the day, many things don't go MY way. I try to accept that it went His way. And that I need to trust His way. Because at the end of the day His way is the best way for me. So in all things, give thanks. Be grateful for anything and everything. Be grateful for your shitty day, it could have been worse.

3. Stay close to God. Pray. Pray. Pray. Read the Bible. Something I really should but don't do. My prayers of late have been very simple indeed. I don't ask for much. I just ask for strength. And sometimes it's all you really need to have a good day, a good week. I ask to be able to love more. Even when darn it, some people don't seem worth it!

And so there it is. Easy peasy. Try it. Practice it. I believe you will find more JOY in your life and spread that JOY to the people around you.

I'm baaakk!

2009-11-04T17:05:00.005+08:00

Oh my, I have been absent for far too long. Neglected my dear blogs. So much has happend since I stopped work. My home looks very different from my last entry. Still a slow work in progress but I do what I can. Elil has grown so much since December last year. She is a big sister now. She is my big baby still though.

I was thinking of how to begin with an update of the goings-on in the last 8 months. I dont know where to begin. So I have decided that I am going to leave the past 8 months of my life blank. Updates on Elil and Nila I will post in their individual blogs. Oh you can check out Nila's blog at Sweets For My Sweet . I have yet to upload her adorable pictures so please be patient.

Nila is the sweetest baby in the world. All smiles all the time. Such a joy to behold! I have been breastfeeding her exclusively for the past 6 months. Direct from the breast too. The milk bottle is a stranger to her. She has been on semi solids for a few weeks now. I started her off with rice cereal mixed with ebm. She now enjoys mashed banana and homemade apple sauce with a pinch of cinnamon. I want to give her avocado as well.

Another thing I do have to mention is that I have been maidless for the past 2 months! I realize that this is not your typical life and death situation. Afterall, many SAHM's are coping well with far more babies to love and hug, feed and nurse, scream at and spank occassionally.... Thing is, I have had Mon since day 1 and to suddenly have to manage a large home and 2 babies, one of whom is hyperactive and refuses to sleep and the other who needs attention round the clock (as in you need to sit and play with her all the time. CANNOT be left alone) is INSANE. I must admit though it was difficult in the beginning, were finally getting into a comfortable routine. However, my days are filled with the babies, so there is no time for house cleaning, other than squeezing in the laundry and dishes. I do not cook. We have got a part-time maid to do cleaning twice a week. I tried to manage the cleaning and cooking initially but figured it was too stressful and tiring, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. Screw the house work Pu! Concentrate on giving your kids the best of you! Ok so for now, all is pretty well.

Immediate & Near Future Plans

2009-02-04T11:14:00.006+08:00

Ok so I have been thinking. I will officially be a stay at home mom in 2 days. I can imagine a hundred things to do, a hundred ways to pass the time. Other than being full-time with Elil, there is so much to do at home. We moved into our new home in November last year, that makes it 3 months. Progress has been slow. But slow is better than rushed. And so I have come up with a list of things to do (things I can do given my current state) at home:

1. I'd really like to complete my pond/waterfall project. The pond is there, the hole has been dug. We have the pump. The plants have been selected and await replanting. Only thing missing is manpower. I don't have the strength to do it alone. Hubs doesn't seem too interested (when he does have the time) and well its been raining mad lately. So I have decided to put this on-hold till my mom is in town. If you don't know Aunty Phil, mom = manpower + feedback + pond-making experience.

2. Paint Elil's playroom. I have a post on this in my HOME blog, you can check it out here. This project may take a while. I'll need to first determine the colors I will need, then get hubs to go out and get the paint. We'll need a big amount of pastel green and blue and probably just small cans of the other colors for the animals, etc. Secondly, I can only work on this when Elil is asleep or away. We're supposed to move the angel and her little sister (yes another angel on the way) in here when they are a little older, but it seems with all the toys (and plans I have for the room) there may not been enough space. Hubs is going to pull a fit.

3. Chair refurbishing. We have these really old wooden single seater frames from my in-laws. They are over 30 years old. We're currently working on stripping the paint off to expose the original wood grains. I want to either shellack it over or use some sort of wood oil to bring out the original shine/grain of the wood. Then all I need to do is get the cushions re-upholstered (in white) and voila, brand new retro seats! I saw something similar in a magazine and feel in love with it. So I am anxiously waiting to see the end result.

4. Shopping. I really need to use the extra time I will have to look for extra knick-knacks to decorate my home. It's quite bare at this moment. My walls are blank and we have only the basic furniture. My home is a work in progress. But I am in no rush. It's more rewarding and meaningful when you collect beautfiul pieces be it a huge sofa or a small ornament here and there instead of having an insta-house. It's nice too when hubs grabs souvenirs from different parts of the world. Finding the right place for each item is also very important. So like I said...work in progress.

5. Create a work schedule for Mon (and myself too). Right now she doesn't have a fixed schedule from me because she is shuttled from my place to my in-laws daily. And well there is very little time left for her to clean up our home. So I give her freedom in cleaning the house as she sees fit. Of course there will be comments from me every now and then. However, I do let a lot of things slide.

6. Hit the gym (or some form of exercise) after my confinement. This is the year where I intend to keep my health in check. My mother told me on New Year's that she started serious exercising (gym/yoga/jogging/hill-climbing) at the age of 30 and has continued to do so till today. I turn 30 this year and if ever I have a new year's resolution, I guess this would be it! To focus on my health (and to get hubs to do the same).

7. Make friends. Going to work. Spending all my time outside of work with Elil. Trying to make-up for all that lost time. Has turned me into a hermit. No life outside being a mother and a wife. I know this seems impossible now that our 2nd baby is on the way but I am determined to have a balanced life. Where I take care of my personal needs as well. And that includes having friends, be it my beer chicas (can't be doing the beer thing anytime soon though) or other young mamas around the KL area.

8. Spending more quality/alone time with the hubby. Again this seems impossible with no. 2 on the way. But we'll make it happen, at least for the next 3 months! I know he longs to just hang out like we used to before our boo boo came along. We'll do more hanging out, watching movies, going to mamak, and all that.

9. Learning more recipes from my mother-in-law. Hubs is used to Indian food. He can't do without and it needs it daily practically. So will be popping by the in-laws to embrace the world of Indian (or maybe just Mrs. Bala's) cuisine.

10. Try out Bento-ing. I have most of the tools but have yet to test them out. I will probably try something simple. But honestly I see myself doing this regularly only when Elil starts pre-school. I doubt she will know how to fully appreciate the yummy beauty of it until then. We'll see how it goes.

Thank You

2009-02-03T14:15:00.003+08:00

You always find ways to touch me in mass every Sunday. And I feel refreshed by Your messages; Your soft prompting. As the weeks go by, trials find their way into my days, some in the form of little disputes with the hubby, others in life altering experiences or devastating news and it takes its toll on me. But I have learned in the the past year or so, to always try (sometimes that human nature in me gets in the way) to surrender to You. And to place You in every picture, every event no matter how small. Not once have You disappointed me. Not once have You failed me. And well this has been Your promise from the begining, no? And so last Sunday, you uplift my weary soul again through the words of this beautiful song....

Thank you, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let you lead,
And thank you, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.

I thank you, Lord,
with each trial I feel inside,
that you're there to help,
lead and guide me away from wrong.
'Cause you promised, Lord,
that with every testing,
that your way of escaping is easier to bear.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.

I thank you, Lord,
for the victory that growing brings.
In surrender of everything
life is so worth while.
And I thank you, Lord,
that when everything's put in place,
out in front I can see your face,
and it's there you belong.

And so I thank You Lord for the trials that come my way. Thank You. Thank You for my crosses to bear. In each I will grow stronger in You.

Amen.

OMG I had to post this immediately!

2009-01-13T12:19:00.002+08:00

For you ladies who have experienced pretty bad morning sickness, check this out. I got it from Baby Center.

I seem to be salivating more than usual since I got pregnant. Is this normal?
Some women feel as though they're salivating more than usual during pregnancy, especially when they're nauseated. A few women have so much saliva they end up needing to spit to deal with it. Excessive salivation is called ptyalism or sialorrhea and is more common among women suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of morning sickness.

OMG it's actually called SIALORRHEA! How appropriate!

It was good when it was good. But good has long passed.

2009-01-08T08:39:00.003+08:00

It's been seriously playing in my mind for the longest time now. About 6 months I might say. I have thought and thought about it. Wondered if it should be done. And 2 months ago I decided, yes it must be done. There is no hope for you anymore. The wounds will not heal in this place. I thought we could patch things up, maybe it would improve with the change. But no, we need to cut off ties. "Not now but in time", I said to myself. When? Nah, I give you till May 2009! "Hang in there Pu, you can do it!", I remind myself again. Since then, I've just been spiralling down. It's been hard keeping myself together on a daily basis. A constant struggle to stop myself from going mad. I need to let you go, cut you off for good. You are toxic to me and are not worth my time or effort. But still I have been hanging on, trying so hard to keep it together. I have my many reasons for hanging on, or trying to. Alas, the last thread has torn. And I am falling. You drain me. You bring me down. You make me feel like the dimness of your pea brain, like the stench of your filthy being, like the ego that has made you ugly, like the phony person you are, like the evil pride that consumes you, like the age catching up with you, like the racism that runs through your veins. I want to say I hate you. But I dont. Really. You just suck so bad you make me sick.

And so terday, (with blessings) I bid you farewell. Farewell for good. You smiled and gave me an exaggerated "Thank you!". Almost as if it was in your plan to drive me away. I am sure it was. Congratulations to you then, you succeed! You can have your victory dance with your clan in your next gathering. And with that I know for sure I made the right choice. I know it would have been unhealthy to hang on to something that was struggling to shake me off. Oh, how thick my face is sometimes. Great relief is what I feel now. About 20 kg's lighter too. But still I have my anxieties. Remember, I hung on so long for a reason! What lies for us in the future, only God knows. And so I will let Him guide me.

Goodbye P.H. and S.S.I. Goodbye.

It's been a while

2009-01-06T13:09:00.016+08:00

Too much has happend. Hard to find the time to recap. So here are some random shots from Christmas in KK. Wonderful, magical... as usual.

Cuzzins nennen time togeder-geder

Elil opened her Christmas gifts early Christmas morning coz she was fast asleep by the time we got back from mass.

She especially loves her dolly she lovingly named Elil. A gift from Aunty Ots. And her stroller from Aunty Pu Nie.

After a bit, she chucked baby Elil out of her stroller then went strolling baby-less.

"I don't want to come out mummy!"

"We want to bring Grandma's pond back to KL with us!!" said Shan, Elil & Ron.

Elil playing with the gayung the whole time. I can't understand the fascination.

Ron-Ron was in a fit when picked out from the water.

Shan here standing on water. Cool shot babe!

"Oh gayung-gayung how do I love thee...."

Elil merajuk while getting ready for Christmas mass. After a super long and hectic day.

I've been MIA

2008-12-10T17:57:00.000+08:00

I really need to blog. I know. Just give me a while longer.

Blue Mummy Moment

2008-11-05T08:00:00.003+08:00

I'm pretty much done with the first trimester. The morning sickness is showing signs of improvement but I don't seem to be getting my energy back. I still feel like a heavy sack of potatoes. All I want to do is sleep sleep sleep. I really need my energy back so I can go back to being the mother I once was to Elil and the wife my husband needs. It is so hard to get out of bed in the mornings. Elil has been waking up more during the night not so much for nennen but dreams or nightmares. When I return from work I have some energy in me to spare Elil. On Monday we played bubbles outside then she helped water the plants, more of like main air. She was so impressed with mummy's instant water fountain. And yesterday, I put her in the sling and we walked about the neighborhood. Visited the kids behind the house from Rumah Keluarga Kami. Really sweet, well-behaved bunch. I don't know if the carrying Elil around in a sling was a good idea because I could not straighten my back for a while after. By 7 in the evening though I feel like collapsing and never getting up again.

Nowadays Elil is back to her usual routine of sleeping by 9:30 - 10:00 pm most nights. I think this is a healthy time. Gives us mummy and daddy enough time with her before she's out for the night. Lately I have not been able to stay awake long enough to put her to bed. Most nights daddy is the one keeping an eye on her as she falls asleep. Mummy is right there fast asleep. Oh I feel so horrible about it. I don't play with her like I used to. I have to force myself to feed her dinner, giving her a bath takes so much energy, even washing her bum-bum is tiring. I feel like such a lousy mother. And I only have 6 months left with Elil before I have to start 'sharing'. I want to give her everything before then, all my time all my energy. But my body is not cooperating. As it is, most my time is spent away from her. I hate it. This isn't how it should be.

I want to be able to watch her wake up in the mornings. Prepare and feed her meals. Bath her and brush her teeth. Play with her, teach her. I want to be the one to teach her new words and hear her speak them for the first time. I want her to cling to me and know that I am always there with her. I want to make Bento meals for her and watch her amazement as she sees my creations. I want to clean her cd's and chuck 'em in the machine. I want to sing to her and listen to her sing with me before she dozes off for her afternoon nap. I want to be more of a mother, I want to be involved in more things. I don't want to hear it from someone else her achievements that day. I want to be the one telling the story to daddy.

And now with #2 on the way, it just takes away what little time I have with Elil to begin with. I feel like I'm neglecting her. I feel like I'm not there enough. And it sucks. It really sucks. I hate it. I rally hate it. *Sigh*

My Baby #2 Wishlist

2008-10-30T14:35:00.014+08:00

I got tagged by Farrah and so this is my list of goodies....

1. Medela Freestyle Breastpump

With Elil I got the Medela Mini Electric Breastpump. But this was not suitable for longer pumping sessions and more for on-the-go sessions. Also, it is a single pump. After some research and input from Farrah, I decided I'm going with the Freestyle. I like the mobility, light-weightness, digital screen with memory capability. I have yt to figure out how I'm going to purchase one of these. Trying to find a nearer (than the US) source.

2. New BPA free bottles

I am switching bottles. After reading numerous articles on the dangers of BPA. I've decided to change all my bottles. Which brand? I don't know yet. But I do have a few in mind. Some possibilites include, Medela, Dr. Brown or MAM Ultivent. Will need to do more research and visit the retails before I make up my mind.

3. Cloth Diapers from Day 1

The best cloth diapers for newbies. Or so I heard. Going to get me a stash of these before the arrival of #2. I just love the sweet sweet colors.

4. Primo Viaggio Infant Car Seat

The Peg Perego Pliko P3 was our first baby purchase when expecting Elil. We got it when I was 5 months pregnant! Too irrisistable bah these things! We didn't get the matching and attachable car infant seat at the time because we had Shan's to inherit. This time round, no more passing back and forth baby items coz Ots will be delivering about a month after me so the babies are going to be needing this at the same time. With Elil and Ronan it is a 6 month gap, so it was perfect. I don't think they sell the Pliko P3 car infant seat anymore but the Primo Viaggio will do because it attaches to the stroller and well it comes in the right color!

5. Baby changing table

With Elil I didn't think it was really necessary to have a changing table. We had her chest of drawers that I used to change her on, with a changing mat of course. However, it just didn't feel right, it was too narrow and difficult to change a wriggly baby. It didn't have the safety walls around it and this made me feel insecure when changing her. And so, if I have the budget and I can find something simple and affordable, I will get one (with hidden storage) for baby #2. I quite like the one above. Elil's cot and bedding is all white and so this one will match fine. I don't know what it is with me and white these days....

6. A reclining chair
It would be great if I could get a Lazboy but those are like super expensive. I'd settle for anything comfortable. Fabric (not leather) preferably. Something cozy I can sink in while feeding the lil' one. I wanted one of these for when Elil came but could not quite afford it at the time. So heres hoping I can get one this time round.

7. Another Ring Sling

Rockin' Baby Ring Slings are super cool. I especially like this one called 'The Lullaby'. They are outrageously priced but are wonderfully designed. Check out their website here. I initally wanted to get a pouch but after trying out Ots pouch, it didn't quite fit right. I like the adjustability of a ring sling, daddy can use it too.

So yea, that's it. My wishlist for the second little miracle on the way!

RESPECT

2008-10-20T16:28:00.000+08:00

"Respect is a funny thing - the more you demand of it, the less of it you get. Instead, the more you give, the more of it you receive in return."

I got it from someone's blog and I totally agree with it.

My Desk

2008-10-20T14:03:00.002+08:00

This is my desk at the office. As you can see I can't live without my mints. If you are ever feeling nauseaous due to morning sickness I highly recommend Eclipse Winterfrost Mints. It helps to keep your meals down. Even Mo Far Kor kurang effective.

A pleasant suprise turned touching event

2008-10-20T08:02:00.003+08:00

We were lazing around in bed mid Sunday morning, hoping the little angel would doze off for her morning nap when hubs suddenly remembered we had a full moon lunch to attend. We were discussing it just the day before how could it have slipped our minds! That's what being pregnant does to you, it robs you of your memory (which wasn't too great to begin with). I don't know what hubs excuse is. Oh yea blogging world, I'm expecting #2. So to answer your question Denna, yes I am ready for a second baby!

So I deviate from the purpose of this entry. We arrive Damansara Palace restaurant (Mutiara Damansara) at about 12:30 pm. It is a massive restaurant, more like a banquet hall. The full moon lunch was in a smaller sectioned off room at the rear. We had to walk across the massive ballroom to get to the other side. There was another event going on at the same time. The screens read "Friendship Lunch With Gurmit Singh". Gurmit Singh? Hubs turned to me and said, "Hey, is it THE Gurmit Singh?" Before I get a chance to answer him he goes "Yes! It's him, Phua Chu Kang is right there!" as he points to the main table right in front of the stage. He is dressed in blue jeans and a white shirt with a smart coat sans afro wig, mole and yellow boots. A boy in his teens and his little brother were having their picture taken with him. "We should have our picture taken too!" I quickly tell hubs. He tells me we can take it later on the way out. "He may not be here anymore on our way out!" I answer. So we walk over casually and ask Mr. Gurmit if we could have a picture with him. He is the most pleasant man. So down to earth, no celebrity air about him. I have Elil in my arms sleeping. The boy in his teens took our picture for us. It is quick, we thank him and I shake his hands and tell him how glad I am to meet him. He gives me a sweet and genuine smile and we walk off feeling very lucky and satifsifed with ourselves.

I am famished and am ready for some chinese lunch. It is buffet style (fine with me). We greet the new parents, Janice and Terence and congratulate them on their one month old tiny treasure. Oh the sweetness of a new born baby! Baby Evan is adorable! Ever the quai-quai baby who slept throughout the noisy Karaoke session. We find ourselves a table, hubs pushes 3 chairs together and lines them with Elil's Moms In Mind sling. I lay her down (knowing deep inside she will wake up in an instant!). Whadya know, mummy knows her angel so well. Her wide eyes open the moment she is out of my arms. I give her a minute to adjust to her new surroundings. The loud music startles her. About a minute and she is seated upright, ready for ACTION. Little kids running about everywhere! I tell hubs to watch Elil while I grab lunch. Roast duck and Sau Nyuk. Ahhh heaven! Plus they had the tapai chicken but alas sudah habis all the soup. Mengidam oh. Hubs could not eat the noodles and the fried rice but got some plain rice instead. The food I must say was pretty darn good.

And so we have our lunch, myself I have 3 rounds. Hubs looks at me in shock. "What? I'm hungry and I'm roast duck and sau nyuk deprived. PLUS I'm eating for 2 now!" Hubs smiles and decides to tell Janice that I'm 10 weeks in (yes, 10 weeks!) and simultaneously explains the gondo-otness. I then go on to explain that I am experiencing morning sickness and constantly need to taste something in my mouth to avoid throwing up in front of everyone. And that I usually have my Eclipse Winterfrost mints with me but hubs left it in the car. I send hubs a cheeky smile.

After more chit-chat we look around for Elil who went off somewhere with Janices' mother, swept away by the karaoke kids and balloons on stage. She is socializing with the older kids, some popo's and kungkung's too. Totally unbothered by her parents absence. Oh it would be so easy to kidnap my little angel! 4 glasses of orange juice later, hubs tells our hosts we got to make a move. And so we bid our farewells and walk out into a cheering crowd. Gurmit Singh is on stage singing 'A Better Man'. I like this song. We stop to take pleasure in his musical talents. He's quite good I must say. At the end of the song we walk past the stage. He looks down on us and says, "Leaving already ah?" We nod yes. He looks disappointed. As we walk to the end of the hall we hang on a little longer listening to his typical PCK humor. Engrossed in his comedy I am startled by a tap on the shoulder. I turn to look and I see Jon. Hey its Jon. Long time no see man. He looks exactly the same! We chat a little. But I am distracted. I am interested in what Mr. Gurmit has to say. He speaks of a sad but miraculous story, a life changing event. I am mesmerized.

I tell hubs were not leaving until he's done with his testimony. And so he begins his story and I am truly moved and humbled. I will relate his story to you the best I can....

Gurmit Singh is the eldest son in a family of 5. He has two younger sisters. He starts his story telling the crowd that his mother is probably the most strong woman in the world. Always working, always striving to care for her family. She would only fall sick on her days off. In 1985 on one day off, she never quite recovered from one sickness. Days later the family is devasted by the news that their dear mother is suffering from stomach cancer. She is at tthe worst stage, Stage 4. Doctors give her 6 months to live. They try everything possible to cure their mother. Chemotherapy, radiotherapy, traditional cures you name it. Nothing helped. The cancer spread throughout most parts of her body.

Finally, one day Gurmit's two younger sisters aged 17 and 14 suggested their mother see a Pastor for prayer. They had both converted into Christianity earlier on. Gurmit's father has always been anti-Christianity and blamed his sisters' conversion on him as he was the older borther and it was his duty to take care of them. And so Gurmit had been angry at his sisters too, always scolding them for causing their father such pain. However, in desperation the family agreed to bring in a Pastor. The Pastor spoke to Gurmit's mother and told her. I will pray with you but before that you must give yourself to Jesus (God), you must surrender to Him. And also we can only expect Him to give to us what He pleases and what is in His will. And obediently she follows.

A day or several days later ( I forget), Gurmit's two sisters invite him to a Christian ralleigh to be held at the National Stadeum. Normally he would totally object in anger but this time round, he agreed to attend. He went with zero expectations. The speaker was a man from Germany I did not quite get his name. During the session, as they were singing and praising, Gurmit heard a voice speak to him. It said, "Son, do you want to be My child?" or something like that. I don't remember his exact words. Instantly he knew, this feeling was different. It was indeed God talking to Him through Jesus Christ. He wept like a child. To have God Himself talk to you, what a humbling experience. Right there and then he knelt on the ground and gave himself to Jesus. That night he prayed for his mother. It was a very specific prayer. He emphasizes the specificness of it and I know how he feels. In situations like these, you don't really think of specifics, you are just grateful for anything little but somehow God listens to every detail no matter how tiny. He asks God to delay His taking of his mother. He asks God to take her only after she has seen her grandchildren. Gurmit was 19 years old, he was so far away from marriage yet alone children. And yet this was his prayer for his stage 4 cancer-stricken dying mother.

Days later, after running some tests on the mother, the Doctor said," I don't know what you are doing outside of the hospital but you have to keep doing it because your cancer is gone! You are FREE FROM CANCER!" It was truly a miracle. A miracle I tell you! I stand in awe. God working His way in the life of Gurmit Singh, in the life of his mother and family. There were moments during his testimony where he was clearly struggling to hold back his tears. And I know the feeling. The experience of God's power of His love in us and among us. Its always so humbling and just amazing and a knock-you-off-your-feet experience! And I can't thank Him enough. And I can't thank Gurmit enough for his testimony. I am sure it moved many people during the lunch that day. And it will continue to touch the people who read this blog. I cried as a listened to his story.

16 years later, Gurmit's mothers' body is attacked again by the same cancer. She succumbs this time. Gurmit is initially angered but then he is reminded of his prayer. By this time, he was married with a beautiful daughter and was expecting a son very soon. And so he thanked God for the whole 16 years of life his mother lived and let her go. It was a peaceful death, and all close family members had a chance to bid their last farewell to their beloved mother/wife.

I cried again as I left the hall. Thank you Gurmit for your story. Thank you Jesus for working through Gurmit to spread Your love in this world. A world that desperately needs Your love, power and saving grace. Amen.

If God Exists

2008-10-17T16:16:00.001+08:00

A lady went to a beautyshop to have her hair cut and her nails painted and trimmed. As the lady began to work, they began to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the beautician said:

"I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked Sheryl, who has MS.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

Then Sheryl thought for a moment, but didn't respond because she didn't want to start an argument. The beautician just finished her job and the customer left the shop. Just after she left the beauty shop, she saw a woman in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and not groomed at all. She looked dirty and unkempt.

Sheryl turned back and entered the beauty shop again and she said to the beautician: "You know what? Beauticians do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised beautician. "I am here, and I am a beautician. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" Sheryl exclaimed. "Beauticians don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and be very unkempt, like that woman outside."

"Ah, but beauticians DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly", affirmed Sheryl. "That 's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there' s so much pain and suffering in the world."

I got this from my father exactly a year ago and thought i'd share it with you guys.

Guess where we was at last week?

2008-10-09T11:00:00.019+08:00

Hubs found out on Monday that he needed to fly off to Paris (again) for a meeting. We had a family trip to Cameron Highlands planned that Friday to Sunday. He managed to get a flight out of KLIA on midnight Sunday. On Wednesday, I asked hubs if Elil and I could join him on his trip. He'd been travelling so much lately, I just needed more time with him. "Let me check my points", he said. He confirmed he had enough points with Enrich and booked our tickets. On Thursday we purchased our tickets and got Elil's passport done in 2 hours. We took her picture the night before, she was in her jammies. Hehe. Hubs changed his flight to Saturday midnight and off we were....

Bonjour Paris! Here we are at the airport. Elil slept 10 hours of the 12.5 hour flight. Thank goodness! I really needed the rest after the 3.5 hour drive from Cameron and then the rush packing before the drive to KLIA.

We landed at about 6 am. By the time we got our luggage and the rental car, it was about 8 am. Check-in time at the hotel was after 1 pm. So we managed to do some sight-seeing around the Avenue Des Champs Elysees and down to Le Arc De Triomphe.

Elil chasing after her flying scarf with her mouth.

Elil refuses to pose for the camera.

Alala so happy we all!

Catwalking on the Champs.

The Cathedrale Notre Dame was as usual amazing and beautiful. Inspiring and moving.

Standing in front of a statue of St Joan of Arc (Jeanne De Arc) who was canonized in this cathedral by Pope Benedict XV. Read more about her here.

The stain glass was breathtaking.

I stopped and sat at the pews for several minutes just taking it all in and lifting myself to God. It was a truly peaceful experience.

The altar.

From the Notre Dam we walked down the river (don't know what its called) to Musee Du Louvre, the world's most visited art museum. The most famous art piece housed in the Louvre would probably be Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. We did not go in. The main reason being, hubs was here 2 weeks earlieron a business trip and he had had his little tour. Myself I was here in 1998 and have my picture in front of Miss Mona Lisa and others. Plus we had Elil and well 16 month old + historic museums don't mesh very well if you know what I mean. ;)

More shots of us outside The Louvre.

Me giving my best super'mama'model shot.

Elil getting friendly with a Korean tourist. She scribbled in the lady's diary. And refused to return her pen.

Me outside the Palais Du Louvre. Hubs took soooo long to take this picture. I was getting very uncomfortable and self-conscious because I'm standing smack in the center of a major crossing and people walking past had to totally go out of their way to avoid us. It was embarassing. Luckily the picture turned out ok.

Blending in with other Parisians! Ha ha!

We had a real long long walk that day...we were on our feet for probably 4 hours. It was tiring but real nice. Our destination was this departmental store that was selling this real funky and affordable jacket. 3/4 ofthe way, we turned back. It was cold and we were tired. I was upset I didn't get my jacket but hubs got me a real cool handbag instead. So still happy.

It was chilly that evening. I was freezing. Hubs was walking around in a t-shirt, tula got lots of blubber to keep him nice and warm. ;)

We had a great time in Paris. I'm so glad we got the chance to join hubs. He only had to work 1 day out of the 5 days we were there so it was great!

Thanks babe for the wonderful holiday!

Pregnant Pu: 6 months (updated with more pix)

2008-09-23T15:20:00.006+08:00

I have very few photos of me pregnant with Elil. I regret not taking more. It's such a beautiful experience being pregnant (after the first trimester anyway!). I love looking at pregnant ladies, always wanting to touch the unborn child. Some women don't like this so must be very careful. However, if ever you see me preggers again, feel free to caress my belly. ;)

Why bah this blogger acting up? Ahh! I'm posting this now. Hmph! Network Error my bum-bum!

I miss my family so much....(updated with more pix)

2008-09-23T14:03:00.006+08:00

....it hurts....

So many more pix I wanna upload but blogger is being a pain.

Haven't done a quiz in a while...this was disappointing

2008-09-23T09:15:00.000+08:00

What Your Handbag Says About You

You tend to be relaxed throughout the day. You are naturally at peace.

You tend to be relaxed but alert. You keep your eye out for anything unusual.

You are a low maintenance person. You can adapt to a variety of situations.

You are a very creative person. Your life tends to be a whirlwind, but you always seem to pull it together.

You are practical and down to earth. You tend to be a rather reserved and quiet person.

You are an outgoing and expressive person. You always speak your mind, and you're very approachable.

What Does Your Handbag Say About You?

My labor story 15.5 months later

2008-09-22T09:27:00.005+08:00

Look what the stalk brought

On Wednesday, 6th June 2007 I started feeling cramps in my lower abdomen. I woke up in the morning to find myself spotting. I had been feeling like I was about to explode for a week or so. Hubs brings me to the OBgyn. My doctor, Dr. I was on leave so we went to see her neighbor Dr. M (Ot's OBgyn). He does his thing and tells me I'm 1 cm dilated and not to worry because I probably have a few days to go. We (hubs and I) leave the hopspital feeling a bit disturbed. 1 cm? I've started dilating but it might take a few days? "Trust the experienced doctor Pu", I tell myself. But just in case, I stay home the next couple of days. My mummy's flight was booked on the 14th June, 1 week to my due date on the 21st. "Mummy, I want you here now! I think the little angel will come out anytime soon!". So on Thursday, 7th June mummy is in town to care for her 3rd born who is preparing for her 1st born.

7th June, in the middle of the night and wee hours of the morning of the 8th. Major cramps don't allow me the sleep I so desperately need. Every half hour or so, I toss and turn in bed. I would not describe it as pain. It was more like major cramps and discomfort. I am in this state the whole night. Hubs is out entertaining customers and I am tempted to call him. But I don't. Mummy is in the next room and Assunta Hospital is a 5 minute drive away. By morning, I am pale and spotting a little more. The aches turn into pains and I can hardly stand up. However, surprisingly, I am calm. It's my mummy, mother of 4 who is in panic. "I really think you should go to the hospital now", she kept telling me. We decide to call Ots (in JB at the time) who is calm and tells me to go if I really feel I should. Again mummy, "I really think you should go coz I won't be in the right state of mind to drive if you are in uimaginable pain and screaming next to me". Seeing as if i waited any longer I may not have a driver to get me to the hopsital, I grabbed my maternity bag (that was packed months in advance), informed hubs and off we went,mummy daughter and sister's maid. We are directed straight to the labor ward. Here I am instructed to change into hospital gear. It is a little after 9 am.

They call in Dr. I, she is off duty but thank goodness she lives nearby. In the meantime, a nurse comes along and gives me the check. "Oh you are 1 cm dilated", she tells me. What? 1 cm? "But nurse, I was 1 cm two days ago!" I practically scream to the nurse. On top of that the pains were gaining frequency, like every 15 minutes. AND they were inconsistent, sometimes they came as close as 7 minutes. Finally, Dr. I comes in, her serene face, soothing voice and gentleness calms me immediately. Mummy tells me I have the sweetest, nicest doctor. I agree. Once again I am given the check for the 3rd time. The good doc confirms the 1 cm thing and instructs the nurse to hook me up to this machine that monitors my contractions as well as baby's heartbeat. It seems baby is ready to come out but mummy's cervix not ready to give way. Fear builds as I think of complications but the nurses do not look alarmed so I tell myself to stop worrying. The contractions are consistently closer. 5-7 minutes apart.

A while later, the nurse comes in to give me the check me again, apologizing politely everytime she does so. I find this very professional. It would be the polite thing to do huh, "Excuse me mam, I am now going to touch your most intimate private area". And I didn't even know her name. I tried to act as normal as possible and hoped I didnt blush. By noon, hubs was in the hospital. And a couple of hours later the IL's and Punes were around. I am now making my rounds outside the labor ward, my hands in hub's. I don't like the walking, it adds to the pain and discomfort. However, I was advised to walk to quicken the dilating of the cervix and induce the labor. Hours go by, Dr. I is back and after another check tells me I am still only 1 cm dilated. I am moved to the maternity ward as it seems baby won't be coming out too soon. I didn't know that a woman could stay 1 cm dilated for soooo long. Plus the pains were coming evey 5 minutes.

By 9 pm, I am exausted. Everyone but hubs has gone home to rest. He stays with me in the maternity ward. We walk around my room and I try to focus on the tele. The pain is horrible. And I am still only 1 cm. The frustration is mounting. "When will you come out little angel? When mummy's body allows you I guess." Over 12 hours in and out of pain and I press the button to call the nurse. "Could I have the (pentadine) jab?" An hour later the pain is reduced and the drug gets me through the night without too much pain. Some time in between (its all a blur to me) I am moved back to the labor ward. Even the nurses were unsure of where to keep me. So the labor ward it was!

The next day, 9th June. Dr. I comes in all cheerful asking how mummy is doing. Mummy is not too good. She wishes this was all over. And is eager to set her eyes on her little daughter. But alas, mummy is STILL only 1 cm! The pains are becoming unbearable. I cannot, refuse to walk. Hooked up to the machine permanently now. Mummy and baby need closer monitoring. Baby's heatbeat is fine throughout, doctor and nurses expressions allow me to remain calm. By noon I ask for my second shot of pentadine. Hey, 27 hours and still no baby ok! 3 checks and 3 hours later I am told I am 3 cm! Thank you God! Dr. I tells me that she can break my water for me to quicken labor but this will dramatically increase the pain. "Anything that gets baby out sooner", I tell her. I feel nothing as she breaks my water bag but the release of the waters felt odd, a gush of water coming out from my vagina was like the release of a dam. It is blood stained and this is normal. Almost immediately the pain increases 10 folds. Argh! You must know that I have a VERY LOW threshold for pain. I seriously cannot take pain. By now I am in tears. So is my mummy. She cannot see me in pain and suggested hours before that I just go for the c-section.

I had been through the cycle twice, as in the nurses shifts. All the nurses in the labor ward knew me! Most of them had visited my most intimate and private area. All apologizing everytime they entered. They seemed eager for me to deliver as well. Women came and went (in silence mind you, probably all on the epidural) and there I was close to 30 hours and entering my 4th cm. Dr. I is empathatic (not just for me but for my mom as well), she gets the nurses to give me oxygen. Which honestly helps very little. It does nothing for the pain. It's more of a mind relaxer that gets you high if you inhale too much. Which I did and well I didn't quite like the floating in air out-of-control state it left me in. FINALLY, I give in. I told myself not to, especially for the 1st birth, but I'm chicken shi* that way I guess. I say the words I tried so long to avoid, " Doc, is it too late for the epidural?" I ask. She replies, "No it's not, you are 5 cm dilated". Only 5 cm, sigh.

The anesthesist is called in and comes in about 45 minutes later (not soon enough believe me). He asks me if I have any back problems. No, my back is fine. He tells me to sit at the edge of the bed with my body arched forward in a c-shape with a pillow for support. He injects me with something and I feel something tiny move up inside my spine. It does not hurt. The doc tapes everything down securely and I am allowed to lie down on my back again. He says it takes about a half hour to kick in. 20 minutes later I can feel the effects and begin to relax. Another 20 minutes pass and the whole left side of my body is numb but there is feeling along my right side. Shi*! "Urm nurse, could you help with the pain? I feel it still. Up the dose maybe?" She ups the does, no change. Just take the pain away somebody! So alang-alang half of me still suffering. Another nurse comes in and gets me to rest on my right side. Almost instantly the pain subsides. Praise the Lord! From this point on NO MORE PAIN! Nothing!

Within 3 hours I am 8 cm dilated. And at about 8:30 pm I reach 10 cm and the nurses prepare the bed. My feet are in stirrups and are way above my head. My legs are open. Dr. I tells me to push. I feel nothing but try my hardest. Hubs is right next to me holding my hand but peering down to get a better view of the birthing process. I had troubles pushing at first, didnt quite get the breathing part. Blame it on the nerves as there was NO pain. After a while I got the hang of it and just focused on pushing as hard as possible. After baby's head was out, the rest of the body slipped out easily. At 8:49, after 36 hours of labor, Elil Arasi was born weighing 2.8 kg and 12 days early. Dr. I lifted her up to the delight of her proud parents. My first memory of her was her eyes, those round ever-alert eyes so bright and shining. I remember thinking to myself, oh goodness she looks exactly like me! She has changed back and forth many times since then but I still see a lot of me in her, and a lot of her daddy too. A good mix of us both I guess. I tried breastfeeding immediately but she found it a little hard to suckle. She was tagged baby number 25 and I was mummy number 25. I would never forget that face, never! I remember feeling very cold soon after, shivering uncontrollably. Hubs got me a blanket and I was wheeled to the maternity ward. Elil was off being weighed and cleaned and sent to the nursery. I noticed later that the nurses whose shifts had ended stayed back just to have a glance of little Elil. I'm sure they looked at mummy then at daddy and figured the product should be pretty interesting! Haha!

I don't remember feeling tired that night at the hospital. I was anxious and excited and wanted to be with my baby. I felt sore down there, that I remember. I did not and could not sleep. I was alone that night except for when they brought little Elil to me for feeding. Oh such a precious one she was, and is! One last thing, days later as we were filling up the forms for Elil's birthcert, we realized that Elil and Dr. I share the same birthdate! No wonder, she tried to delay inducing me!

Bento update

2008-09-18T08:00:00.005+08:00

Psst.

My mummy got me some stuff from Daiso yesterday.

I won some stuff from ebay.

AND

I think I may just throw some stuff out and add some cool stuff into my shopping cart in NST now.

I am grinning from ear to ear.

TAGGED!

2008-09-18T08:00:00.002+08:00

1. The person who tag/pass you is? Mel

2. Your relationship with her/him is? BFF

3. Your five impression of her/him? lawa mau matee, hilarious, emotional, loving & did i mention lawa mau matee?

4. The most memorable thing she/he had done for you?
Been there everytime I needed a shoulder to cry on.

5. The most memorable thing she/he had said to you?
Told me she wanna name all her kids after me and actually sounded serious. But truly mel, dont k! ;)

6. If she/he becomes your lover you will...?
Ask her, "hehehehe....why your crotch so small?"

7. If she/he becomes your lover, thing she/he has to improve on will be?
Crotch size.

8. If she/he becomes your enemy, you will...?
Be totally heartbroken.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for her/him now is?
Show her that she can find and is deserving of that kind of LOVE.

11. Your overall impression of her/him is?
Hahaha yo...budu math...she likes butter A LOT. Paling fahnie person I know. Even funnier when drunk....that night not so long ago at waterfront....LOL.

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?
Will? Either that I'm funny or that I'm boring. Depends on my mood....this is yo's jawapan and i feel zakly the same!

13. The characteristics you love of yourself are?
I am passionate about everything. I am empathatic. I'm a lover of beer.

14. On the contrary, the characteristics you hate about yourself are?
I lack self-confidence sometimes and I can be insecure. I don't think I'm smart enough.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
A SAHM or WAHM

16.For people that care and like you, say something to them
Thank you.

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you.

People I wish I knew how they felt about me? I'm just going to put 10 people, most of which I know how they feel about me.

1) Babe
2) Sel
3) Mel
4) Rol
5) Yo
6) Mia
7) Ots
8) Punes
9) Eyasmin
10) Hema

18. Who is no.6 having relationship with?
Will

19. Is no.9 a male or female?
Female

20. If number 7. and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
No. Not quite possible anyhow.

21. What is no.2 studying about?
Photography?

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
Yaysterrday.

23. What kind of music band does no. 8 like?
Ooh...macam all sorts. I know she loves Alanis Morissette.

24. Does no.1 have any siblings?
1 older braderr.

25. Will you woo no.3?
Not necessary. Were already lovers of each other.

26. How about number 7?
Not necessary. Were already lovers of each other.

27. Is no. 4 single?
Taken.

28. What is the surname of no.5?
Graham

29. What's the hobby of no.10?
Eating

30. Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
They have met.

31. Where is no.2 studying at?
Sahhhnaaaa....

32. Talk something casually about no.1?
Hensem huggable teddy bear.

33. Have you tried developing feelings for no.6?
I have deep feelings for her.

34. Where does no.9 live at?
Sahhnnnaaaa....

35. What colour does no.4 like?
I have to say blue...hope i got it right.

36. Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
They are lavaasssss...

37. is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
Totally!!!

38. What is no.6 doing now?
Desperately looking for a temp job.

And so begins my new addiction....

2008-09-17T07:30:00.004+08:00

I was bored and a lil' down yesterday, so I visited my fave online CD stores. And well nothing really appealed to me. The funky designs created very little excitement. Plus Elil has more than enough CD's to last her a while now. So I went a-bloghopping instead. And while visiting my usual spots, again my eyes were drawn to the Bento posts. Aha! And so I clicked on all the Bento labels and examined each bento tool and its end-product. Slowly I sensed some pleasure rising inside me. Hmmm....could this be my new addiction? The new temporary high when clicking BUY and the rush to the mail room to collect my package? Oh yes I think so! And so it began.

First, I called up mummy.

Me: "Mummy, could you get me some stuff ka?"
Mummy: "Sure. What you want?"
Me" 'Can you go to Japanese Home Store in Asia City, some shop on the 1st floor Karamunsing and Daiso in 1Borneo and check out some Bento stuff for me?"
Mummy: "What is Bento?"
And so I go on to explain....you know how the Japanese have this strange fascination with turning their food into pieces of art?....

Half an hour later mummy calls.

Mummy: "Ok I'm here in Asia City but have no idea what I'm looking for."
Me: "Look for the egg mould that you and Ots got for me the other day and stuff around it like cookie/sandwich/vege cutters, or rice/jelly/chocolate moulds. Or silicon cups and food separators. Sauce containers? Fruit or dessert picks?"
Mummy: " Hah! Teda oh! Ok, I cari Karamunsing now.

Another half hour later.

Mummy: "Puei, teda oh your bento-bento thing sini!"
Me: "Hah! Immmpossible! All the bento mamas in KK cakap ada tu in those shops!
Mummy: "None oh. Tomorrow I try 1Borneo ok. I penat redi dis."
Me: "Ok mummy. Np. Thanks."

Did you guys know that the only Daiso outlet in Malaysia is in 1Borneo??? So I bloghopped some more and someone mentioned the 100 Yen Store. Did some Google research and voila, the list of 100 Yen Stores in Malaysia. 11 outlets all together. I went to the SS2 branch 2 weeks back. Nada! And then ooh, there's one in Puchong!

A conversation between my colleague N (who's from Puchong btw) and me.

Me: "Hey got nice place to makan lunch in Puchong?"
N: " Go-ot!"
Me: "You wanna go there for lunch today?"
N: "What you want to buy?"
Me: "Ehe, you know me so well." (During my CD addiction,I got him to bring me to lunch in Bangsar so I could collect my CD's from the post office there.)

And so I go on to explain about the 100 Yen Shop. He told me he knows this shop well. All the better! And at lunchtime were on our way with two other colleagues tagging along. Ok so when N told me he knew the place, he actually had another huge red signboard shop in mind (Berry bakery!) and in fact had no clue where my bento-stash shop was! We spend almost an hour searching before thank the Lord we finally find the place.

Alas, to my dismay after walking around each isle, I find nothing. Well there were several cute bento containers but other than that, nothing! All that effort and nothing much to show for it. I ended up getting two real cute 2-level containers. At least I got something.

Today, I will go back to NST and probably, hopefully get some stuff from there. OR if someone is up for lunch in Uptown today....

Salt intake for toddlers

2008-09-09T12:27:00.002+08:00

I was chatting with a friend the other day and we started talking about what else but our babies (actually toddlers now). She told me that she hardly puts any salt in her kiddos meals. I mentioned my little Elil consumes quite a bit of salty foods. She then said that after she read an article about how high salt intake gives toddlers high blood pressure, she immediately reduced salt in her baby's meals.

So I have been doing my own research and nearly every site tells me the same thing. So I'm going to share some information with you guys:

Salt Intake Gives Toddlers High Blood Pressure by Valerie Elliott, Consumer Editor

Children as young as four are eating so much salt that they are suffering from high blood pressure, it was revealed yesterday.

Parents are being urged to cut down their children’s daily salt intake to prevent them suffering heart disease or strokes as young adults.

The alert was raised by new research, published in The Journal of Hypertension, that found that children eating the highest amount of salt had the highest blood pressure.

Health campaigners are concerned that the high level of salt in the diets of children aged from four to 18 is fuelling the country’s obesity crisis.

Related Links
Plea to take additives out of children’s food
Eating an extra gram a day resulted in significantly raised blood pressure, according to the study. Once high blood pressure had been established as a health problem in childhood it invariably continued into adulthood.

The research was based on data collated by the National Diet and Nutrition Survey of 2,127 young people in Britain, an official audit for the Department of Health.

Some 1,658 kept a diary of what they ate and drank and their salt intake and blood pressure was recorded.

The study found that for each extra gram of salt consumed by children there was a related increase of 0.44 mmHg (millimetres of mercury) in what is called systolic blood pressure.

Malcolm Law, of the Wolfson Institute of Preventive Medicine, said that the findings showed that the country needed a revolutionary approach to salt consumption.

Professor Law called on the food industry to do more to reduce salt content in food that is popular with children and teenagers. Even the amount in baby food was too high, he said.

Professor Law said: “The vast majority of children in this country are eating too much salt. Higher blood pressure is a marker for vascular damage and this shows it’s starting too early. Going into adulthood this is not totally irreversible, if people can have a ‘salt revolution’.”

The survey also found that children aged between four and eight who ate less than 4.5g of salt a day had a systolic blood pressure measuring 2mmHg lower than those of the same age group eating more than 5.5g of salt.

Mike Mead, of the Blood Pressure Association, said: “If we are going to prevent a future epidemic of hypertension, the more that can be done to educate families about taking some simple steps to leading a healthier lifestyle the better.”

Healthy eating

Recommended daily maximum:
0-6 months less than 1g
7-12 months 1 gram
1-3 years 2 grams
4-6 years 3 grams
7-10 years 5 grams
11-14 years 6 grams
Adults 6 grams

Source: Scientific Advisory Committee on Nutrition

This next site pretty much tells you the same thing, read more here

I am trying my hardest....

2008-09-09T12:19:00.001+08:00

....and it ain't working....

Good read for mother's with toddlers and those who care for toddlers....

2008-09-02T13:45:00.002+08:00

If you feel like the word you say most often is "no," consider ways you can make your house, or at least parts of your house and yard, utterly safe for his investigations. Lock gardening tools in the garage or shed, be sure there are no water hazards (i.e. buckets, wading pools, etc.), and put out a few balls that he can chase and try to kick — a big "exercise" ball can be very entertaining. Designate one room or corner of the house as the play area and have it full of pillows and toys. Remove breakable items from coffee tables or shelves that your child can reach. Be sure to pad any sharp corners (better yet, remove coffee and side tables that pose a danger). And let your child try feeding himself, even if it makes a big mess. Remember that play and exploration are how toddlers learn about the world, so it's not that your 14-month-old is being intentionally defiant, simply that he is curious about everything around him and doesn't want anyone to stop him from checking things out.Toddlers are enthralled by water. Water play can be both soothing and exciting, so next time you need a way to distract your toddler — say, while you're cooking — put him in his highchair, fill a plastic bowl with soapy, bubbly water, and give him a sponge or dish-scrubber so he can wash plastic cups and plates. You may want to put a drop cloth or an old shower curtain under the highchair if you're worried about a mess.

I got this from Baby Center.

Happy 51st Malaysia!

2008-09-02T08:59:00.004+08:00

I experienced these two unfortunate incidences during the week leading to Merdeka.

Unfortunate Incident #1: I was having coffee with my friend during office hours. He was talking about a new found way of life - yoga and a new diet (apparently 90% of food type is cut out). He also mentioned a quest to search for his soul. He is under the impression that his soul is somewhere in, let's say...urm..'Yugoslavia'. What an odd idea! I told him his soul is right where it should be, deep within him. I don't think he believed lil' ol' me. So he goes on to say that he wants a change in career, a change of lifestyle, away from the hustle and bustle of KL city life, away from the materialism. For once, I agree with him! He is compelled to travel half way round the world to urm....'Yugoslavia' to teach poor little 'Yugoslavian' kids, suffering illiterates. I nearly spat out my coffee and fell off the freakin chair! "Don't we have poor children here in Malaysia that you could teach?" I ask him. He answers, "Yea, but they're all....let's say....urm 'Hispanic'!". If my eyes could pop out, I'm sure they would have. I roll my eyes in disgust instead. I shake my head and tell him, "No no, this is where you have it wrong. You want to help kids, you help em. Theyr'e kids for goodness sakes. Children! Who cares about their race! Children don't differentiate race until we (idiot) adults point it out to them!" He goes on to say, "Yea but they have 'Hispanic' parents!". I could not believe my ears! This isn't coming from some old uneducated fogie who is still living in the 60's. This friend of mine is in his early 30's and is supposed to be educated! I hate using that term 'educated' it's so BS. Note: I have changed certain country names and races to avoid creating racial hate among us Malaysians and in fear of being thrown into prison for having an opinion.

Unfortunate Incident #2: Let's say I heard this from a friend who heard it from a friend. Well my friend, was telling me about something that happend to her friend X and X's friend Y. X and Y work together. They have a superior called Mr. Z. X and Y are not Malaysian nationals. They are from...let's say....urm 'Croatia'. Mr. Z is Malaysian. In delegating work to X and Y, Mr. Z gives them a word of advice, "You know its important to always maintain cleanliness. Especially you 'Croatians'. Your people always contract a lot of diseases because you are dirty. You bring diseases like Bird Flu and Typhoid." My jaw dropped. I tell you ah. I so so tak puas hati oh hearing crap like this. How do you say something like that to someone? No one deserves to hear stuff like that being said about their own people. I was told that X was brought to tears by this comment. It's just horrible and degrading and insulting and hurtful and uneccessary.

So here's to you Malaysia. We have a long long way to go....

Having second thoughts....

2008-09-02T07:35:00.006+08:00

After Sungai Besi toll at 6:40 am

After Desa Waterpark exit at 7:10 am

I'm having second thoughts about my new work schedule. Ok, let's analyze:

Original Schedule

Work hours: 8:30 am - 5:30 pm

Tradffic Conditions: I leave the house anytime between 7:30 am and 8:00 am. The jam is horrendous, it takes me anywhere between 1.5 hours to 2 hours to get to work. My feet hurt, I am under a lot of stress (due to aching feet, fear of being late for work, lalalala). Leave office at 5:30 pm sharp, or anytime later and I get back in a little over an hour. So that means I spend at least 3 hours everyday on the road. 3 hours that I can never gain back.

Upside: I get to spend a little time with Elil before I leave for work.

New Schedule

Work hours: 7:30 am - 4:30 pm

Traffic Conditions: I leave the house by 6:30 am. There are already a lot of cars on the roas eventhough its pitch black outside. After the Sungai Besi toll just around the Petronas petrol station, the traffic slows. The roads are fulls. I am not in a standstill, but am down to 1st gear. It takes me 50-55 minutes to get to work. I am done by 4:30 pm on most days, it takes me as little as 40 minutes to reach Kajang. Less than two hours on the road daily and more time with Elil at the end of it.

Downside: I don't get to see Elil before I leave for work. The long stretch is REALLY heartbreaking.

The conclusion, you can't have it all and sometimes you don't have a choice. Looks like i'll be sticking to my new schedule. There's got to be a better way! I'm not doing this for long.

2008-08-28T08:56:00.002+08:00

Today I am angry. Why?

1. I can't function properly without seeing Elil (awake) before I leave in the morning. Sakit oh my hati.

2. Today I start my new office hours, 7:30am - 4:30pm just to avoid the traffic. I left early today and the roads were already jammed.

3. I am PMSing.

That's it for now.

I have reached that point....

2008-08-26T15:40:00.005+08:00

I don't want this job anymore. But I will keep it. At least until something more fulfilling and less frustrating comes along. I have tried for many months now to just stop complaining or at least whine less, learn to enjoy work, accept that I have annoying and sometimes plain evil people above me, appreciate that I have a good and steady income, lalala. But alas, at the end of the day, I feel nothing for this job. There have been times that I thought maybe, just maybe I'd be able to have a teensy weensy bit of passion for this job (like I used to) but nothing so far.

Why ah? I think it's partially the job/industry, a portion the people I work 'for' and other bits because of me, the change in me. BIGGEST factor at this point is the people and environment. Let me explain. Our department is divided into 2. First group is SVV the powers that be. Second group is the only (derogatory) contingent team. Wild guess which group I'm in? So I have had enough of being treated like a second class citizen, totally unappreciated, knocked down at every opportunity. It's like a game for some people, seriously. They see an opening to make you look bad, go all out to slam you and instantly they feel 100x better about their sorry selves. It's politically driven too I'm sure. Why can't we just go to work, do what we're paid for, make some friends along the way and then go home to our families? Do you really have to walk all over people to climb your way up the corporate ladder? I am sure there are a lot of people out there who have achieved great success without having to take advantage, degrade, belittle others.

14 months, 17 days ago I changed. Life changed. Priorities changed. I experienced a shift. Life isn't all about me anymore! It's about her. And him. And my intrinsic need to care for these two people in my life. And so I lost my focus on anything that tore me away from this. Here I am. I want to be with her. I have to work. You can never have it all I guess. But you sure can try to keep the important things. *Sigh*

And lastly, this *amn industry! Facility Management? You mean DBKK?!! I find it a waste of time having to attend to people who complain like its the end of the world if today's temperature is .5 degree C below the norm, or if there aren't enough paper cups in the pantry. Use the porcelain mugs for goodness sake! Start thinking of the environment! Is it so hard to wash your own freakin' mug? Of course there's definitely more to FM than just cleaning. There's the M&E (Mechanical & Electrical) portion and the projects side too. And this is where I come in. There's an upside to projects because to a certain extent I can utilize my flair for design. Sadly, the extent is very small. *Sigh*

Time to double the effort into finding something to do from home, or at least something closer to home. Good luck Pu.

Surrender

2008-08-22T10:28:00.004+08:00

Yesterday a dear dear friend of mine experienced the power of the Lord in a most deep and personal way. And I cannot put into words the pure joy and greatefulness I feel for her and to the Almighty. She expressed her miraculous experience in two words, overwhelming and humbling. I know the feeling, perfect description of the Holy Spirit working His way in us.

I got in my car after hearing the wonderful news and switched on my Sony Walkman. The CHORUS of this song by Planet Shakers was playing on my playlist and it brought me to tears(Thanks Meriel for the wonderful P&W), now I dedicate this to you dear friend (I will send you the song)....

Surrender

Verse 1:
All that I am, is Yours
All that I have, is Yours
I give You my heart and soul,
Lord I’m Yours.

Verse 2:
Lord every day, is yours
Lord every breath, is yours
I’m giving my life to You,
Lord I’m Yours.

Pre-chorus:
You alone are worthy of all praise,
You alone are worthy of all praise!

Chorus:
I surrender all to You
I surrender all to You
I am nothing without You
Jesus Christ, take my life,
It’s all for You!

Bridge:
You’re worthy of all praise (You are worthy!),
You’re worthy of all praise, Jesus!

Elil Oh Elil

2008-07-28T09:35:00.002+08:00

Elil's cough has not fully cured since she was last sick. She would cough on occassion during the day and have longer spells certain times during the night. This disturbs her sleep and sometimes wakes her up. It stresses me out to the max. Last Thursday night, her cough medication runs out. So on Friday hubs and I decide to bring her to see Dr. Chua. We describe to him heer symptoms. Apparently, she has 'sensitive airways' which if keeps reocurring after every infection could lead to the dreaded asthma. No! I knew he would say the A-word. I didn't want to her it, even though she didn't actually have it. There was still the possibility. I wanted to cry but I held back.

The doc gave us so much medicine, cough & phlegm, wheezing and 'asthmatic' cough. WTF. She doesn't wheeze. What is an 'asthmatic' cough? I am in a panic, the labels sound serious. I think hubs can sense the rising panic in his panicky wife and the next thing he says really calms me. " I really don't think its what the doctor says" he says. Yea, maybe its not. Maybe the cough will go away and never come back. There was never any wheezing. And most nights the cough doesn't even wake her up. As long as we give her the cough medication as prescribed. We decided against giving her the wheezing and 'asthmatic' cough medicine because frankly we don't think she needs it. Still I am uncertain, I don't know if this is the best way to go. It's just terrible giving her medication, she utterly despises it. Each session is torture not just for baby but for everyone around. Watching her struggle and cry as if in horrible pain. 3 medications x 3 times daily is just unbearable. Do you think we should be giving her ALL the medication?

I worry for her still. My heart is heavy. I pray for my little angel. I pray there is no reoccurrence and that she is 100% healed from this. My nights are uneasy. She has shown signs of improvement since taking the medicine but we really won't be at ease until she's back to normal. On a happier note, her appetite is good and she's as active and cheerful as ever.

Two weeks ago on a Sunday morning in Holy Family Church

2008-07-21T15:12:00.006+08:00

About two weeks ago the Parish Priest, Father William Michael talked about the Story of the Adulteress from the book of John 5:38--8:11. For those who have not read this Gospel, you can do so here. The main focus of this story touches on the forgiving and merciful heart of Jesus. However, Father William chose to look at Jesus in this touching story differently. The Pharisees brought to Jesus a woman caught in the act of adultery for judgement. As a test, the pharisees suggested the Adulteress be stoned to death but Jesus disappointed them and responded by saying, "Whoever among you is guiltless may be the first to throw a stone at her.” The Pharisees then one-by-one walked away and left Jesus alone with the Adulteress. Jesus then said to the Adulteress, "Go, and from now on do not sin anymore". What this says to me is, we are all sinners, you and me. We can try our best to live as Jesus did but we will still fall and He will ALWYS be there to catch us if we only ASK and ALLOW Him. This story has always touched me and it is always a reminder to like Jesus 1. not judge anyone, ever; 2. forgive and forgive again. Surprsingly, that Sunday, Father William mentioned nothing about judging and forgiveness. He instead spoke of gentleness. God was speaking to me and he said very simply, "Pu Ei, be gentle. Have a gentle spirit." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus wasn't just forgiving with the Adulteress, he was gentle. He treated her with gentleness and softness. This is what I need to be. Gentle. And this is what I pray for daily, to have a gentle spirit like Jesus.

The priest also spoke of humility. This is one of my favorites. In many ways, Jesus has called me to be humble. It's something I need to work on daily. Pray for a humble heart. There is so much to read and learn on humility. Check this site out, Humility.

Mass a week ago was celebrated by Arichbishop Murphy Pakiam. 75 people were being Confirmed. Hey, they didn't get slapped on the cheek like I did! The Bishop just gave them a tap on the shoulder. His sermon was long but simple and direct and more importantly easier to understand compared to the St Francis Xavier's jesuits. Basically, he was talking to the newly confirmed most of whom were teenagers. What really touched me was his advise to pray 1. for a heart to love Jesus more and 2. for a humble heart. Again humility. Such simple words with such deep meaning.

"Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth."
— Matthew 5:5

Tagged!

2008-07-18T10:35:00.003+08:00

**RULES***“The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.Each player answers the questions about themselves.At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged.Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.”***End***

Question 1: What were you doing 5 years ago?
In July 2003 I was in KL hanging out waiting for my Convo.

Question 2: What were the 5 things on your to do list today?
1. Work
2. Work
3. Work
4. Work
5. Beers

Question 3: What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?
I'm not really a snacker. But when I do, I tend to go for all those preserved asam stuff.
1. Preserved plum
2. Jeruk mangga

Question 4: What are 5 things that you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Tithe
2. Build my dream home, get my dream car, etc.
3. Make sure my family and loved ones never have any financial woes.
4. Create my own charity organization - build schools, homes, support groups etc. for the less fortunate
5. Travel & volunteer work

Question 5: What are 5 jobs you've had
1. Fun2 playmate - hehe
2. Hah Yo! Waitress - at STAR poolside, for a week when they needed temps.
3. Arrio's Cafe - Sunway Pyramid waitress for 2 months
4. Intern at PJ Indah Holdings - M&E consultants
5. Electrical Engineer for Power Project Consultant - M&E

Now for the 5: Ots, Far, Yas, Hema & Denna

I'm yours Jason

2008-07-18T10:29:00.002+08:00

This song is awesome. There's so much truth in it wouldn't you say?

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch closer dear
and i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what i be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
this is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family; 3rd time: A lá peaceful melody)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't hesitate
no more, no more
It cannot wait
The sky is your's!

Children are amazing

2008-07-04T12:13:00.003+08:00

The day before yesterday was as bad as any day can get. Please refer to previous post. With one exception, the day I got a call from my mum saying Pu Nie had been in an accident. Anyway, so Wednesday was bad. But something happend on my drive back home that just lifted my spirits if only for a few minutes.

I was driving along the Damansara Highway headed toward the NKVE when my eyes were drawn to the back of this black MyVi. Sitting at the rear seats, facing the back were two little boys, around 4 and 5 years old. They were waving at the people in the cars driving behind them. Both deliriously happy. Making goofy faces. They spotted me looking at them and they started to wave even harder. I was so touched by their sincerity and their pure joy and excitement only a child can project that I started waving back. A simple wave at first. But then they went crazy with their waving when they saw that finally one driver actually reciprocated their actions. So I went all out with my waving as well. Leaning forward as our cars drew apart so they could see me still. This simple action just made me so happy. Seeing how their faces lit up by my response. Our cars parted at different toll booths. I looked around for them hoping to continue our waving contest alas we lost each other. They probably went on to make some other disappointed person's day. God bless them. It was such a wonderful moment where I became a kid again and all my adult problems just dissolved for those few minutes and I was brought to tears.

Just as I was recovering from that temporary high, I get a call from the office and reality sets in. Back to where i started.

6 Oct 07 - 2 July 08

2008-07-02T12:39:00.002+08:00

My first email was sent out on the 6th October 2007. I was rejected, told that my application came in a little too late. Both positions had been filled. Sure I was disappointed but I tried, and hey I failed. A great opportunity that remained an opportunity.

Then in February, I hear that there is another vacancy available. This time I was hopeful. I read through the description and requirements. MS Project was a requirement so I got a hold on a cd and learned that well. What ever information I could get a hold on, I read through every related link, browsed the sites, talked to some wonderful and helpful ladies on the 2nd and 3rd floor. And I prayed. The works. A dozen times a day I was on the job searcher site looking out for the opening. So I could be the first to apply. Sending email after email regarding the status. It seemed like harassment at times. I'm sure I never went beyond being a pest or a desperate annoyance.

Finally, in June the post is officially on site and I can apply. I'm sure I wasn't first. I wait patiently. They tell me if the hiring manager finds me suitable for the post, he/she will be in contact. So two weeks go by and nothing. So 20 days after sending in my application I decide to make that important nerve wrecking call. The phone rang it seemed like forever, no answer or voicemail. I left 2 missed calls. I follow-up with an email.

Then finally today, I see his name in pink and I pick up my nerves to click on it and open the message. This is the last line....

I appreciate your keenness to join the team and under different circumstances I would consider you for the role.

The role that I applied for would have allowed me to work from home 5 days a week. Would have enabled me to raise my child which has been my dream since the 9th June 2007. I do not wish to elaborate any further in fear of just bawling in front of the whole office. Its enough to say I am in grief.

What Color is YOUR mind?

2008-06-26T11:39:00.000+08:00

Your Mind is Yellow

Of all the mind types, yours is the most intellectual.

You crave mental stimulation, and your thoughts tend to very complex.

Your thoughts tend to be innovative and cutting edge, though many people don't understand them.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about science, architecture, and communication.

What Color Is Your Mind?

Don't you just love Oprah?

2008-06-23T10:57:00.003+08:00

Read Oprah's Commencement Speech for Stanford University's 2008 graduates here. She is one amazing woman with such wisdom. Some excerpts from her speech....

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. That's the lesson. And that lesson alone will save you, my friends, a lot of grief. Even doubt means don't. This is what I've learned. There are many times when you don't know what to do. When you don't know what to do, get still, get very still, until you do know what to do.

And when you do get still and let your internal motivation be the driver, not only will your personal life improve, but you will gain a competitive edge in the working world as well. Because, as Daniel Pink writes in his best-seller, A Whole New Mind, we're entering a whole new age. And he calls it the Conceptual Age, where traits that set people apart today are going to come from our hearts—right brain—as well as our heads. It's no longer just the logical, linear, rules-based thinking that matters, he says. It's also empathy and joyfulness and purpose, inner traits that have transcendent worth.

So, I say to you, forget about the fast lane. If you really want to fly, just harness your power to your passion. Honor your calling. Everybody has one. Trust your heart and success will come to you.

So, how do I define success? Let me tell you, money's pretty nice. I'm not going to stand up here and tell you that it's not about money, 'cause money is very nice. I like money. It's good for buying things.

But having a lot of money does not automatically make you a successful person. What you want is money and meaning. You want your work to be meaningful. Because meaning is what brings the real richness to your life. What you really want is to be surrounded by people you trust and treasure and by people who cherish you. That's when you're really rich.

And what I've found is that difficulties come when you don't pay attention to life's whisper, because life always whispers to you first. And if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you'll get a scream. Whatever you resist persists. But, if you ask the right question—not why is this happening, but what is this here to teach me?—it puts you in the place and space to get the lesson you need.

Not a small topic this is, finding happiness. But in some ways I think it's the simplest of all. Gwendolyn Brooks wrote a poem for her children. It's called "Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward." And she says at the end, "Live not for battles won. / Live not for the-end-of-the-song. / Live in the along." She's saying, like Eckhart Tolle, that you have to live for the present. You have to be in the moment. Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment, because life is now.

But I think she's also saying, be a part of something. Don't live for yourself alone. This is what I know for sure: In order to be truly happy, you must live along with and you have to stand for something larger than yourself. Because life is a reciprocal exchange. To move forward you have to give back. And to me, that is the greatest lesson of life. To be happy, you have to give something back.

Please take the time to read the whole speech, it is truly inspiring.

Baby Love

2008-06-10T12:02:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna miss you babe. Wish you were around to help me with the organizing, plans and arrangements. I understand you have to work. As long as you are back in time. I heard this on the radio this morning and I thought of you....

Baby Love
I remember like it was yesterday
First kiss and I knew you changed the game
You have me, exactly, well you want it,
And I'm on it

And I ain't ever gonna let you get away
Holdin' hands never made me feel this way
So special, boy it's your, your smile
We so in love
(love)
La la la la
Yeah
We so in love
La la la la la
And I just can't get enough
Of your la la la la love
Yeah we so in love, love
I want you to know
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything

Been a minute and we still holding it down
Butterflies every time you come around
You make me, so crazy
It's crazy, oh baby

And I don't ever wanna be with no one else
You're the only one that ever made me melt
You're special, boy it's your, your style
We so in love

La la la la
Yeah
We so in love
La la la la la
And I just can't get enough
Of your la la la la love
Yeah it's all I'm thinking of
Love, love
I want you to know

You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything

I love you babe.

2008-06-06T17:26:00.002+08:00

Doesn't the Christmas spirit totally radiate from this shot? The warmth, the wonder, the miracle, the beauty, the magic of the Christmas season. I love this artistic shot. The brightness of the melting red candles, the contrast of the green, red ribbons and glow of the fairy lights on the Christmas tree. So much warmth emanating from the yellow walls. A wholesome dinner devoured by a hungry family only minutes before. And at the center of it all, precious and new LIFE in the form of a little child. Ahh....Christmas.

gDiapers

2008-06-04T14:25:00.004+08:00

Ever heard of gDiapers? I just did from french toast friday. gDiapers are re-usable diaper (covers) with disposable refills. It's like the modern cloth diaper except the insert is disposable. They even come in some pretty cool colors and funky stripes. A diaper, they call it 'little g' pants costs around the same as a pocket diaper (between USD17 and USD19) and the refills are approximately RM1/each. I think the modern cloth diaper is more economical but the gDiaper is definitely easier to use in terms of washing and cleaning. I'm happy with my cloths because it eliminates the worry of having to buy buy and buy diapers (or refills). With the gDiaper the buying element is still there because of the disposable refills.

However, what sets the gDiaper apart from your conventional disposable diaper is the fact that the diaper/pants is machine washable and reusbale and the refill is made of plastic-free materials. The flushable refills have no elemental chlorine, no perfume and no smell. The gDiaper is environmentally friendly for all you environmentally conscious people out there. So if you are willing to spend a little more (and don't mind having to order refills from the US. I don't know if these g's are available locally) and don't like the added load of diapers in your machine maybe you can try a g.

gDiapers come in S, M & L. To fit babies from 8lbs to 36lbs. Find out more about the gDiaper here, gDiaper.

I cry in Mass

2008-06-02T11:25:00.001+08:00

My husband calls me a leaky tap. I don't deny it. Nearly every episode of Oprah brings me to tears. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm anxious. I cry when I'm mad. When the water works are set in motion, there's really nothing I can do about it. Besides being embarassing in public, I don't see anything wrong in being a cry-baby.

I cry in Mass. It started on Pentecost Sunday 3-4 weeks ago. Pentecost is the 7th Sunday after Easter; it commemorates the descent of the Holy Spirit on the Apostles and other followers of Jesus. This year during Pentecost Mass, I was deeply and fully touched by the presence of the Holy Spirit. The whole celebration, the music and words moved me beyond description. All the songs were in celebration of the Holy Spirit. Every word that left my mouth left this deep impression on my soul. And I wept. I wept tears of great joy, deep humility, true love, inner peace, pure gratitude for the many blessings I have received in my life, for the many experiences (good and bad). I was consumed with the Holy Spirit and It was moving within me. I cannot explain the feeling but I do wish I could feel like that forever. Tears kept running down my cheeks as I closed my eyes and kept singing wonderful worship to The Creator. I was with Mon, she was probably embarassed by me. Not just the crying but probably due to my not too impressive voice as well. Hehe. Mon did tell me later that when she sings back home, the music and words also move her to tears.

I go to Mass in Holy Family Church, Kajang. There's just something about the Mass celebrated there. It is essentially in English but there is a big Sabah/Sarawak crowd as well so certain songs, homily's and readings are in BM. I truly enjoy attending Mass here. It is good for Mon too, she gets to be more involved in Mass. It is always a truly holy experience. Until today, I still cry during mass, especially during the hymns. Somehow, the presence of God seems stronger in Holy Family compared to other churches I've been to. But it's probably my personal preference on how the Mass is celebrated. They even sing the Our Father in a different way. It's beautiful.

I feel like I have done injustice to the Holy Spirit in my attempt to explain how It's presence within me has made me feel. I guess the feeling is beyond words. As the song goes, "You are beautiful beyond description...."

I STAND IN AWE
(Psalm 33:8)

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard

Who can grasp
Who can fathom
The depth of Your love?
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty enthroned above
Chorus:
And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to Whom
All praise is due
I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You

Huminodun

2008-05-26T10:05:00.003+08:00

I read this in the papers today. Yee I-Lann a Sabahan artist's creation, the Huminodun was sold for close to RM100k at the Christie's Art Gallery in Hong Kong. That's a pretty amazing achievement. Congratulations! Finally, some real talent and something truly worthy of pride coming out from Malaysia! Unlike the world's largest flag or tallest building (which wasn't even designed by a Malaysian to begin with) or biggest curry puff! And I love this image. The feeling of mystery it evokes, the beauty of the Kadazandusun woman. The beauty of the pregnant woman and the miracle of pregnancy. The power and strength of the woman as a 'creator' - according to the legend of Huminodun, a woman's body was sacrificed to create paddy and in this image life is created in the woman's womb. The dark, cloud-heavy sky combined with the woman's long black hair is haunting and mysterious. Mount Kinabalu another symbol of strength in the background. I even like the black dog looking on. All set in the middle of the barren paddy fields. Hey, Sabah's got talent. But we knew that already. So I wanted to know more and googled Huminodun and this is the story of Ponompuan:

Sources: after a text by Benedict Topin (Kadazandusun Cultural Association), and with excerpts from ‘Traditional Stone and Wood Monuments of Sabah’, by Peter R Phelan

First, there was nothing but Kinoingan and Sumundu . Together, they created man and the universe, the earth, and everything seen and unseen, known and unknown.

In the beginning, all was well in the Heavens, and the world was pure and beautiful. But one day, Ponompulan, Kinoingan’s son, rebelled against his divine father, and he corrupted the hearts and minds of the humans on earth.

Disappointed and angry, Kinoingan banished Ponompulan from the Heavens and cast him to Kolungkud . Then, to punish mankind for their sinful ways, Kinoingan sent seven plagues. The last plague was a severe draught, and famine threatened to destroy every living being on earth.

But at last, the people on earth realised their sin, and turned back to Kinoingan, to ask for forgiveness. Ponompuan, Kinoingan’s only daughter, entreated her father’s mercy to forgive the people of the world and consented to Kinoingan's proposal that she be sacrificed, as a symbol of the greatest love of all.

Kinoingan sacrificed His only daughter so that the people could have food. Her body parts were planted as seeds and became the food resource of the world: rice. Ponompuan’s spirit dwells in the paddy, and is the seven-in-one Bambaazon (Bambarayon), the spirit of the paddy. Red rice is the most sacred of all, because it was from the flesh of Ponompuan.

Ponompuan, who is often called Huminodun, is in essence the soul of the paddy. During harvesting time, the Bobohizans (Bobolians) usher the seven-in-one soul of Bambaazon to dwell in the Tangkob (Toguruon), at home, until the next planting season is due.

Bambaazon is embodied in every part of the paddy and its related products. During the course of its seasons it is inevitable that the paddy is damaged, be it naturally, unintentionally, innocently or through abuse and neglect. Also, during the harvest itself, parts of the spiritual components of Bambaazon are separated. Thus, it is of utmost importance that immediately after the harvest Bambaazon’s dispersed mystical spirits are collected by the spiritual specialists, brought home, re-united, healed and appeased.

The Bobohizans perform the Magavau, Modsuut and Humabot Ceremonies, travelling though the different levels of the spiritual world to rescue the severed and strayed Bambaazon. Whole again, Bambaazon will ensure that the next harvest is equally bountiful.

To thank Kinoingan for Bambaazon’s gift of a good harvest, the Pesta Ka’amatan (Harvest Festival) is held. The Kadazans forgive each other, restore and strengthen peace and harmony – not only on a worldly level, but also between nature and the spiritual world – and play the gongs, sing songs and dance to the ancient rhythm of life.

To commemorate the greatest love of all, Kinoingan’s sacrifice of His only daughter, the Kadazans idolise Huminodun and select the Unduk Ngadau (lit: zenith of the sun; Harvest Beauty Queen) in order to remember that Ponompuan was perfect: she was of total beauty of the heart, mind soul and body.

I'm a lefty, so what?

2008-05-08T11:26:00.003+08:00

I'm a lefty. We're creative people. Lefties should NOT BE engineers. Did you know that less than 10% of the adult population is left-handed? And that it is more common for a man to be a lefty than a woman? Most lefties prefer their right hand for some activities and some of them are ambidextrous to a certain extent. I however, am not in this category. I'm a lefty all the way. Oh, in case some of you are wondering there is one exception; I wash my arse with my right hand. Heh. Lefties are supposed to be intellectually advanced (compared to righties) in Math, Sports and Art. This is super interesting, I got it from Wiki:

"In 2006, researchers at Lafayette College & John Hopkins University in a study found that left-handed men are 15 percent richer than right-handed men for those who attended college, and 26 percent richer if they graduated. The wage difference is still unexplainable and does not appear to apply to women."

"...does not appear to apply to women" Shucks!

Studies have shown that the left-handed's lifespan is also considerably shorter than our right-hander counterparts. By 9 years!!

More From Wiki:

"There are many theories on how being left-handed affects the way a person thinks. One theory divides left- and right-handed thinkers into two camps: visual simultaneous vs. linear sequential

According to this theory, right-handed people are thought to process information using a "linear sequential" method in which one thread must complete its processing before the next thread can be started.

Left-handed persons are thought to process information using a "visual simultaneous" method in which several threads can be processed simultaneously. Another way to view this is such: Suppose there were one thousand pieces of popcorn and one of them was colored blue. Right-handed people—using the linear sequential processing style—would look at the popcorn one at a time until they encountered the blue one. The left-handed person would spread out the pieces of popcorn and look at all of them to find the one that was blue. A side effect of these differing styles of processing is that right-handers need to complete one task before they can start the next. Left-handers, by contrast, are capable and comfortable switching between tasks. This seems to suggest that left-handed people have an excellent ability to multi-task, and anecdotal evidence suggests that there are more creative stems due to this ability to multi-task.

Right-handed people process information using "analysis", which is the method of solving a problem by breaking it down to its pieces and analyzing the pieces one at a time. By contrast, left-handed people process information using "synthesis", which is the method of solving a problem by looking at the whole and trying to use pattern-matching to solve the problem."

Guilt Trips

2008-05-07T10:49:00.003+08:00

Some time last week I was feeding Elil her dinner at the table. She was on her high-chair and I was seated beside her. Meal time was going ok initially but after several spoonfuls she suddenly started crying. A manja cry. She had her arms stretched out to me and obviously wanted me to pick her up. Instead of picking her up immediately, I tried to pacify her first. Maybe she was thirsty? So I gave her some water. Or maybe she wanted her toy that dropped on the floor? That didn't work either. She just wanted to be in her mummy's arms. So I stood up and pulled her up slowly out of the high chair. This didn't happen smoothly though, she was a little stuck but I continued to pull her up slowly anyway. Hoping she would eventually wriggle herself out. Then suddenly she lets out this really loud cry and in moments is screaming on top of her lungs. I know instantly that I have hurt her. I release her gently back into the chair and realize that her thigh was stuck under the tray and as I pulled her out, it was scraping against her skin. It was red and bruised. I then removed the tray and held her close to me making sure I was not touching the scraped area. Poor thing was bawling. I held her tight and kept telling her I was sorry but she seemed upset, angry even with me. I don't know if other mother's feel this way too but the guilt that just rushed through me was unbelievable. Obviously she was in pain and maybe in a little shock but she was fine. No permanent damage. But I felt like such a failure. My sister and Mon were around. Both were silent. I kept thinking to myself, they probably think I'm an incompetent mother. I definitely felt like one.

Another incident happend on Monday. At the dinner table again. She was having soft rice with boiled carrots and fried fish. I put a small bowl in front of her with little balls of the soft rice, small carrot cubes and tiny pieces of fish. She's had quite a bit feeding herself and me giving her some in between. Watching me tear pieces of fried fish off the fillet she gets excited and wants the fillet. I don't want to give it to her but she's crying for it. And it's SO HARD to not give her what she wants. So I compromise, I cut off a bigger piece from the fillet and let her hold it. She is so happy. She starts to bite off pieces and chew slowly. I continue to make little rice balls for her and not a split second later, she has the whole chunk in her mouth. I PANIC. She coughs a little, her face turns a little flushed and she looks like she's about to choke. I think the fish is not in her throat yet. So instantly, with my thumb and forefinger I push her jaw apart and try to pull the piece of fish out of her mouth. Alas, no fish. She's swallowed it. There was no choking threat afterall but there was difficulty in swallowing hence the cough. In my panic, I must have been a little rough and gave her a shock. And she burst into tears. My Boo Boo was so angry with me. Again I hold her in my arms and try my best to comfort her. She was not very forgiving. Only till I showed her the little fishies in uncle Allen's huge aquarium of course. In an instant she was quiet and smiling. My heart doesn't stop beating at 5 gazillion bpm until much later.

Ahhh...my baby...how do I love thee, let me count the ways....

My "Sacrifice"

2008-05-06T14:50:00.007+08:00

I know I know. It doesn't seem like a big sacrifice. But really it is. Especially to an addict. CD shopping makes me happy. Really happy. I know all you CD fanatics out there reading this are nodding your heads in agreement right this moment. Thank goodness I am not alone in this CD crazy world! Above is the Blueberry One Size Deluxe Prints AND it comes with a GAD One Size Microfiber Insert. I got the Blueberry Minky in Pink Dots on Chocolate already! Soooo hehpie.

Why you may ask am I giving this one up (for now anyway)? Well, Elil has 17 CD's to date. Which really is enough for an average wetter. And since I am determined to Bokashi my kitchen/organic waste, I've decided to spend my hard earned dosh on the trusty bin! And take a break on the CD shopping. It's still fun (downright addictive) to check out the new CD (and all that goes with it) arrivals though. The temptation is oh-so strong. Don't know how long I can hold back.

Hubs is flying out tonight. He will be gone for 5 days. Boo Boo and I will miss him dearly. ONE good thing from all his travelling is....well I am on the lookout for a wetbag, preferably Wahmies (regular) coz they got the Pink Disco Dots design that I love so much and will never go out of style. AND I found a baby pouch with the same design from, Peanut Shell. Thank goodness they have a retail outlet in Sydney! Plus they have a Mother's Day sale and are giving 40% off all slings/pouches. Woohoo! I am torn between a cotton stretch and a cotton reversible. I want the reversible with the stretch but somehow it can't be made this way. Any one oso can la, both oso santik bah. Here they are:

The cotton stretch. They have the pink version as well but somehow doesn't look as good.

The cotton reversible. Reversibles are more expensive.

I have a sling (adjustable with rings, a gift from a friend) which is great. It's a Moms In Mind and if I am not mistaken is from Singapore. You can get it from my friend's online store, Great Expectations. The great thing about this sling is ANYONE can wear it, me in my petiteness and hubs in his giganticness. The reason I need another sling/pouch is so that while my current one is in the wash, I can still go on wearing lil' Elil. I don't think you believed that excuse for a moment! Darn it! I just lurrrrve the funky designs and colors okaaaaay. CD's and slings/pouches are like shoes, you need/should have one to match every outfit!

REUSE: Composting Kitchen Waste

2008-05-06T09:49:00.007+08:00

Ever heard of Bokashi? Yup, neither did I until one day I stumbled upon this post, Composting Kitchen Waste. Please take the time to read the entry and I hope at the end of it you will be inspired like I have been. Well, I have contacted one of the blog authors, Helen and have ordered a set for myself. The initial payment for the set is on the high side (RM100 - includes a 20L Bokashi bin and 1kg Bokashi) but think of how you can help sustain our environment by reducing the amount of chemicals released into our ecosystem. To all you cd crazy and envinronmentally friendly mamas out there, the set equals the cost of a cute One Size Blueberry Minky with a RM3 discount (shipping costs excluded). I'm sure we can make this sacrifice for our planet! For our children in fact and future generations too! We mummy's (and daddy's) need to be role models for our babies. As much as cd's have become an addiction, so should Bokashi. Right? Right!!

On top of that, in the long run you will be saving yourself some $$ too since you won't have to purchase additional chemicals to clean your toilets and sinks. Plus its free fertilizer for you greenfingered women and men out there. However, like is mentioned in the blog, in order for this to work well you will need some PATIENCE and a GOOD UNDERSTANDING of the process. And I guess some getting used to too but for motivation think of the GREATER GOOD.

Some other ways we can....

REDUCE. Reduce the use of plastice bags. The next time you go grocery shopping, buy a re-usable bag (such as provided by most major supermarkets) and stop/reduce using plastic bags.

RECYCLE. Recycle all recyclable waste. First, find the nearest recycling station. Have separate bins for plastic, paper, glass, etc. We all know where the organic (kitchen) waste goes. Set a garbage dump day and send all your waste to the recycling station. We all know how it goes.

SIMPLE. QUICK. EFFECTIVE. Together we can!

Christ Is The Head Of This Blog

2008-05-05T16:02:00.003+08:00

When I say ... "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'. I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say ..."I am a Christian," I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble, And need Christ to be my guide.

When I say ... "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak, And need His strength to carry on.

When I say ... "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed, And need God to clean my mess.

When I say ... "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, But God believes I am worth it.

When I say ... "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches, So I call upon His name.

When I say ... "I am a Christian," I'm not holier than thou. I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace somehow.

-Maya Angelou

I was blog hopping and stumbled upon a fellow Sabahan's blog and decided to copy this. It's a good reminder for me to practice humility in my daily life. I hope other Christians out there are inspired by this too.

I love these jammies!

2008-05-02T11:42:00.004+08:00

Ala punya main angel!

Elil has a question. "Why is my chiu chiu not in my mouth?"

I got these jammies from a make-shift stall in PBD (Pusat Bandar Damansara) for RM15. Elil doesn't need jammies coz her daddy got her a lot from Mothercare when he was last in the UK. However, I could not resist these. So adorable. They're from Disney. And its Mickey, Mini, Donald and Daisy prints. Its zippered and has a little protective button cover so the zipper handle doesn't scratch baby. These are so much easier compared to the button-up sort especially if you have a wiggly-wiggly baby like my boo boo. The soles are brright pink and they are rubbery, non-slip. Even cooler, there is elastic at the ankles to keep the feet snug in its place. Yee! I got the 12 month size but its a little on the skinny side so its quite fitting on lil' Elil. Sexy starting young.

If you look closely you can see the elastic at the back part of the ankle and the pink rubbery sole.

One With Mummy

2008-04-30T17:15:00.002+08:00

A most recent shot of mummy and baby. Taken yesterday at Concorde Hotel.

Hubby's colleague, Thomas and family (wife, Fariel + 3 year old son, Jordan) from Dubai was in town. We had fantastic tapas at a La Bodega in Bangsar. It was a pretty good time. Husband (German) and wife (South African) were a friendly and fun couple. They make an interesting mix I must say - their son is a looker. When we got to the resto we planned on having some wine with our tapas. But inside I knew I had to have my beer. And so when Thomas (being the typical German) ordered some beer, I was like, "Yea, one for me too". So we had a round of beer. Somehow I instantly connect with fellow beer lovers. Heh.

If your'e wondering why I look like a waitress, I was there straight from work. Darn it! I look like a waitress! Elil as usual is lookin' as sweet as ever in her floral print dress. Masih juling oh si kawan. Thank goodness its on and off and only when she's focused on something.

Cuzzins

2008-04-30T10:40:00.006+08:00

Look at my nephew. Here he is at 4.5 months. I call him Mr. Chubby for obvious reasons. He's this little ball of flesh and he's such a boy. Even his cries sound boyish. I just wanna pinch and squeeze him every time I see him. His big sister, Shannon loves him to bits. She's not 4 yet so she doesn't realize her kisses and hugs can sometimes be torturous for her lil' bro. So everytime Shannon comes near, Ronan does this eye batting thing in preparation for the terror ahead. It's so cute. My Elil has the same effect on Ronan too. She loves kissing him over and over again. Her idea of a kiss is actually a bite. Not a hard bite but more of an open mouth bite/lick.

Meet Shannon Lissa. This lil' lady is pretty advanced for a 3.5 year old. She's been talking since she was 1. She tells her self-made jokes better than most adults and alters lyrics to popular nursery rhymes. The woman is talented. She knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. She's an adorable handful. Plays peekaboo and 'chasing' with Elil. Such a good time they have together.

Last but not least, Baby Boo Boo. This little angel truly enjoys the company and friendship of her favorite cuzzins. Time with Shannon and Ronan is fun fun fun. Cartoon watching with the gang is always more interesting on Aunty Otta's bean bag. Always ready to channel surf with the remote in hand. Elil is in her Just Ducky OS. I love how the soaker is on top of the diaper and not underneath. This way I get to change the soaker when its full without having to change the diaper.

20 April 2008: HPC Event

2008-04-30T10:10:00.008+08:00

The nervous husband and proud wife

Two Sunday's ago I was at a HPC (High Performance Challenge) event at Sepang International Circuit. I was there to support my husband who was a participant. The event (held every quarter if I am not mistaken) is open to the public for a fee of RM200 on half the track. Those interested get a chance to really feel what its like to drive in an F1 circuit or race without fear of being caught by the cops for illegal racing or just show-off/brush-up their driving talents. I hear the price goes up every year and somehow the open track gets smaller. Apparently the prices started at RM80 per entry on the full track. This event isn't a competition although there is always a little rivalry among the drivers. The event was divided into two sessions, a morning and an afternoon. We took part in the morning session. My husband's initial plan was to take part in the afternoon session which was specifically for the classic as well as the new Mini's. He owns a 1978 Mini Clubman. Unfortunately, his speed demon was not in the right condition to be spinning its wheels on the track at the time. So instead he took part in the morning session with his SP. Both driver and car proved their talents and speed worthiness. They managed to keep up with and sometimes downright beat more canggih-ly modified cars. I won't get all technical here. As if i could. Kudos to my babe and his SP. One cool thing about this event is that each driver gets to bring one person along for the ride. Only rule is, anyone in the car must wear a helmet. I refused to tag along purely out of fear. But next time round, I will pick my courage off the floor and brave the speed.

The oh-so-important briefing

Some last minute engine checks. All in order.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

My hubby in action. Trailing a friend in the Satria.

LA1

2008-04-29T09:04:00.005+08:00

I was at a training from the 22 - 24 April. Leadership Academy 1 at Sunway Lagoon Resort Hotel. This training is targeted at low to medium level managers. It was organized and partially conducted by our Corporate HR. The other part was conducted by an external trainer, SMG Training Systems (S) Pte Ltd. I went in with dread. I was not ready mentally or emotionally to participate or learn anything for that matter. However, I was greatly suprised at how engaging I ended up being. Maybe it was the trainers, maybe the participants/teams and the environment. Maybe it was the scrumptious lunch buffets or the frequent tea times. Or the effects of coffee overdose. I don't know what it was but I truly enjoyed myself and was actually sad when the whole thing ended. And found myself wanting more. I left LA1 a more confident and self-assured person and I'm not sure how this happend. I'm not sure during which stage this transformation occured.

Unsurprisingly, I was teamed up with the quiet, less lively people of the group. Which was fine in the end I guess. They contributed when necessary and supported each other. It was all good in the end. Although there was one particular incident that truly upset me. It happend during a conversation with one of my teammates. It went something like this....

Trailing off from a different conversation:

Offender: .....so, are the Managers (referring to GWS [Global Workplace Solutions] Managers in our company in general and not only participants of the training) qualified? I mean qualified technically.

Me: Yea, I'm sure they're qualified.

Offender: Because I saw the list and they are all ladies. I wonder if they are qualified.

Me: (Totally offended but quiet due to shock/disbelief but smiling still). Hmmm....

Offender: (Repeats the offence) I saw the list and they are all ladies. Are they qualified technically. Makes you wonder....

Me: Well, I am qualified. I have a degree in Electrical & Electronics Engineering. So I'm sure they have the right qualifications to do the job. (I eventually walk away too pissed off to look at his face any longer)

Things to Note:

1. There were 20 participants, 2 who were women (myself and a HR manager).

2. Offender's English was actually really crap. I polished it quite a bit for him. Eventhough he doesn't deserve it.

3. He is this small Malaysian guy who looks like he can't even hurt a fly. He manages a team of 4-6 direct reports in Vietnam. (I hope none of them are women).

And then.... he goes on to prove that he is not only a sexist but a racist as well....

In another conversation ( I can't avoid him entirely because he is in my team and there are a lot of team activities) about Sabah and when he was there donkey years ago:

Offender: ...ya, there are so many of them on the streets. They were everywhere, begging. (He does the begging hand gestures). Squatting on the streets.

Me: Oh really. There aren't more beggars in KK than there are in KL. (I actually kept quiet and didn't say this. I wish I did though. Shocked into silence).

Offender: They were everywhere begging. And they were so black. So black.

Me: (Stunned and wanting to punch him on the face)

Offender: They were sooo black.

Me: (I walk off too shocked to say anything)

At first I just needed to vent. And then I stopped myself from bitching to the next person I see. I think about it and end up feeling sorry for the guy. He didn't even realize that he had offended me (and the rest of the female and dark-skinned population). He wasn't born a racist or sexist. He was raised in an environment that made him think this way. So I could have helped him realize this but I didn't. Instead I kept quiet.

During one of the training sessions on company values, one participant shared a personal experience on racism. In his previous company, there was a talented manager who was short tempered. He was in a department discussion and a new talented dark-skinned employee of African American decent (me trying to be politically correct here) contributed with a suggestion. And this manager fired back saying, "Oh keep quiet! What do you black people know?" in front of the whole department. The HR director who was present immediately reprimanded this manager. He told him that his behaviour is unacceptable and goes against all company values. He demanded the manager apologize to the new employee. Which he did do finally but ended up leaving the company not long after.

After listening to this story, I was reminded of the incident that happend earlier. I was tempted to share my experience as well but was unsure whether it was the right thing to do as the offender was a participant. So I kept quiet. Darn, it would have been a great story. And maybe Mr. Offender would have learned something.

Later in the day I spoke to some HR representatives that were present and they told me that I should have rought it up during the discussion. It would have been the right thing to do. Oh menyesal.... Then they advised me to talk to the man and tell him how what he said offended me and that it was inappropriate. I was determined to talk to the little man. But delayed the confrontation until it was too late. Argh. Can you say bo-do?

I could so see myself behind the wheel of this monster!

2008-04-21T15:44:00.004+08:00

Toyota Land Cruiser aka The Ninja. I have loved this 4x4 for the longest time now. It's proven its timelessness all this while. I'm pretty sure this is my dream machine. A not impossible dream la. A shiny black one with totally black tint, huge ass rims. Mean machine! With a bad-ass mama behind the wheel! This one is the 8th generation Land Cruiser 100 Series also known as a Lexus LX. It is the 2007 model. There is the 2008 model which is the 200 series but its kind of lost the traditional Ninja look and appeal. So, nah! If I could have mine custom - I would love a white leather interior. Even better if the Penang plate, PUE were out then I'd have PUE 1. *Sigh*

I think its safe to say...

2008-04-21T10:29:00.004+08:00

I'M A CLOTH DIAPER JUNKIE!

Many thanks to Farrah who first introduced me to CD's through her blog and MiaBambina the online CD store where I purchased my first CD. And not forgetting many thanks to Joyce who shows when it comes to CD, there is no limit to the addiction. Hahaha.

My collection thus far is small. Baby boo boo has 7 cloth diapers now and another 4 more in the mail. I have stuck to one size pockets for now. Just because there is no need to upsize and no worry about leaks and the additional diaper covers. However, the tempation to purchase a few fitteds and those oh-so-cute print covers is getting stronger as I go on a-clicking. My first CD purchase was the Drybees AIO which is real practical and trim but not my favorite solely because they take a longer time to dry. My collection is increasing slowly but surely. Current personal favorites are WAHMIES and BUM GENIUS 3.0. They are trim and easier to put on. Personally I prefer the Hook & Loop to the Snap closure. You get a much better fit. My next purchase will most probably be a BLUEBERRY MINKY. They are so plush and the sapphire/ruby ones are so rich. I got a JUST DUCKY OS for my nephew Ronan. His mummy seems to like it. Let's see if we can get her addicted too...And the addiction continues....

I love CD's simply because they are super adorable. And on lil' boo boo's tush, even cuter! *mummy beaming with pride* They do seem to cost an arm and a leg initially but I look at the mountain of disposables I currently have and it's just one less continous purchase I have to worry about. In the long run, I'm saving some $$ which becomes bigger savings as my family grows. This is a great way to get hubby off my back when he sees more 'pillows' in the mail. It always looks like were getting pillows mailed to us when the CD packages arrive.

As wonderful as CD's are they do have a downside. For me, they're bulkier than the disposables. Which is fine with me for the most part, as one CD online store mentions, "more padding for baby's bottom". However, I feel the disadvantage when I am out with baby. We now need a BIGGER diaper bag for clean diaper changes and to store soiled ones. Our current one is big as it is! Other than that, it does come with a little more effort on our part - the cleaning, washing and drying. Which when you think of it, isn't too bad. Think of CD's as normal laundry and imagine how much you would be contributing to saving the environment! With that being said, the plus's of CDing far outweigh the minus's. Boo boo is on the way to becoming a fully CD baby.

So, you can't have the CD without the accessories, right? Right! CD crazy mama is now looking for a wetbag online. Wahmies seems the most popular and they have some pretty funky designs. But we need to look around just a bit more. Oh so excite.

You don't really know love until....

2008-04-16T10:17:00.005+08:00

You don't really know love until you have a child. You think you know what true love is. And then you have a baby. You watch her grow. Develop a personality. Show signs of attachment and dependency. You love her today and more tomorrow. You find there is nothing, absolutely nothing to not love. You want to share every waking, sleeping, pooping, drinking, eating, learning, growing moment with her. You want to be the one to wash her clothes, clean her diapers, prepare her food, fold those tiny rompers, rub the yu yee oil when she has colic, comb her hair (provided she has hair, ahem), clip her finger and toe nails, watch her sleep, be there when she wakes, tuck her in bed, bathe her. You want to be the one she depends on, the one she runs to for comfort. And when you are away from her, you think of all these things that you are missing. All the moments when it isn't your arms she runs to to kiss her bumped head. When it isn't you feeding her a snack. Not you playing peekaboo with her. Not you she stares at as she blinks hers eyes and falls asleep in the afternoon. And it kills you inside. You resent your 'replacement'. And this is when you realize, THIS is what love is! This is how it feels to love TRULY and UNCONDITIONALLY.

I look at my child - her tiny but 'tagap' body, the light strands of hair, tiny hands and feet, the little angel face, chubby bum, eyes that with one look can melt your heart and a smile full of sunshine and I am overwhelmed. The power of this amazing love and pure admiration washes over me, through me. I cannot explain it. And staring at her, it's like this miracle happening before me over and over again. And I feel it in my soul, through my spirit. Maybe not all of it. But I feel our Father in heavens' love for us. We are His children. Just like how my baby is mine. And I understand somewhat His love for us. His great hurt for us when we are sad or wounded or broken and burdened. His willingness to forgive over and over again no matter what the deed. The great pain when we are away from Him, when we are not in His bosom. This realization, revelation to me has opened me up to a deeper relationship with Him and I will forever praise and thank Him for this opportunity. The opportunity to love as He loves (somewhat).

You know how some people know from a very early age what their purpose in life is. The people who have had life long interests and passions that eventually become their career. Those lucky people who never had a second thought or never had to 'waste' time trying to figure things out. Well, I'm not one of them. I've always known one thing though, I have never been a career woman. I have never seen myself climbing the corporate ladder. However, when the opportunity came along for me to build my career, I took it nervously but happily. I could see myself doing well too. But as fate would have it, this was not to be my path. Suddenly, emotions and priorities and a lot of hormones changed. I had this little mircale growing inside me and demanding such attention from me. And then she became my career, my path. Because of this constant and intense feeling of wanting and needing to love, nurture, protect and raise my child, I now know my purpose and path in life. I need, no I want to be a mother.A mother who is there. More than anything. It makes no sense to me spending 11 out of 24 hours in a day away from MY child. This leaves me with 13 hours where 10 of these hours she spends sleeping. Wow a whole 3 hours a day with my baby! 15 hours a week! Woohoo! Oh but don't forget the weekends. Ok, Saturday's are spent with relatives who also need their special time with my angel and Sunday's go by too quickly. There always seems to be something or another going on. I live this and it hurts me. The person who's purpose in life is to nurture, protect and raise. I long and pray for the day I can live out my purpose. In faith it will be soon.

What Every Baby Needs To Thrive

2008-04-15T15:43:00.002+08:00

If you love your child, please read on. This is very valuable and easy to follow advise from Baby Center:

1. Show your love

Children need love. Your emotional caring and support give your child a secure base from which to explore the world. This isn't just touchy-feely advice. Hard scientific evidence shows that love, attention, and affection in the first years of life have a direct and measurable impact on a child's physical, mental, and emotional growth. Love and touch actually cause your child's brain to grow, according to Marian Diamond, a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, and author of Magic Trees of the Mind: How to Nurture Your Child's Intelligence, Creativity, and Healthy Emotions From Birth Through Adolescence.

How do you show your love? Hug, touch, smile, encourage, listen to, and play with your little one whenever you can. It's also important to answer his cries immediately, especially in the first six months or so, when experts say it's impossible to spoil a child. In fact, responding to your baby when he's upset (as well as when he's happy) helps you build trust and a strong emotional bond, according to Zero to Three, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of infants, toddlers, and families.

2. Care for your child's basic needs

Your baby needs all the good health and energy he can muster for learning and growing, and you can help by covering his basic needs. Take him for regular well-baby checkups and keep his immunizations up to date.

Sleep is anything but wasted time for your baby, so help him get plenty of shut-eye. During REM (rapid eye movement) sleep your baby's brain cells are making important connections. These synapses, as they're called, are the pathways that enable all learning, movement, and thought. They're the keys to your baby's understanding of everything he sees, hears, tastes, touches, and smells as he explores the world.

Breast milk or formula will provide all the nutrients your baby needs for the first six months, and will be an important part of his diet until his first birthday. Breastfeeding is best for your baby — among other benefits, studies show that breastfed babies have lower rates of allergies, diarrhea, respiratory problems, and ear infections. Breast milk may also give your baby's IQ a boost. Although formula can't replicate all of the unique properties of breast milk, formula-fed babies can thrive, too, so don't beat yourself up if you're unable to breastfeed.

(If you're worried about your baby's sleeping or eating patterns, talk to your doctor.)

3. Tend to your baby's physical comfort promptly.

Be sensitive to the fact that he's too warm or that his diaper is wet. You and your baby are a team, and one of your jobs is to take care of the basics so he can get on with his challenging tasks!

4. Talk to your child

Research shows that children whose parents spoke to them extensively as babies have significantly higher IQs and richer vocabularies than kids who didn't receive much verbal stimulation. You can even begin during your pregnancy — it's a great way to start the bonding process.

Once your child is born, talk to him as you diaper, feed, and bathe him. He'll respond better if he knows the words are directed at him, so try to look at him while you're speaking. Don't worry about words of wisdom. Just describe what you're doing: "Mommy is putting warm water in the tub so she can clean you up." Try to avoid baby talk, though. Once in a while it's okay, but your baby can develop good language skills only if you speak to him correctly.

5. Read to your child

Reading out loud is one of the most important things you can do to help build your child's vocabulary, stimulate his imagination, and improve his language skills. It also gives you an opportunity to cuddle and socialize.

Jim Trelease, a reading expert and author of The Read-Aloud Handbook, says even newborns enjoy listening to a story. Make a point of reading to your child from day one.

6. Stimulate all his senses

For your child to learn about people, places, and things, he needs to be exposed to them. Every new interaction gives him information about the world and his place in it. Studies show that children who grow up in an enriched environment — where they are presented with new experiences that engage their senses — have larger, more active brains than those who grow up without adequate sensory stimulation.

Of course, children can become overstimulated; you don't want to bombard your child 24 hours a day or try to engage all his senses at once. When he's interested in playing, though, provide a variety of toys and other objects. Choose things with different shapes, textures, colors, sounds, and weights. Learn about the effect of music on your child's development at different ages, and sing the lyrics to your favorite lullabies. Play interactive games such as peekaboo and patty-cake, go on walks and shopping trips together, and let your baby meet new people. Even the simplest daily activities will stimulate your baby's brain development.

It's also important to give your child room to roam. To develop strong muscles, good balance, and coordination, he needs plenty of space to crawl, cruise, and eventually walk. He'll also benefit from safe spaces where he can explore his surroundings without hearing "No" or "Don't touch." The easiest way to do this is to childproof your home (or at least the common areas). Keep dangerous objects out of your baby's reach and safe ones accessible. For instance, in the kitchen, put childproof locks on all the cabinets except one. Fill that with plastic bowls, measuring cups, wooden spoons, and pots and pans that your baby can play with safely.

7. Encourage new challenges

It's important not to frustrate your child with toys and activities that are way beyond his abilities, but a little struggling goes a long way toward self-improvement. When an activity doesn't come easily to your baby, he has to figure out a new way to accomplish the task. That type of problem-solving is the stuff better brains are made of. If he's attempting to open a box, for example, resist the urge to help him. Let him try first. If he continues to struggle, show him how it's done, but then give him back a closed box so he can try again on his own.

8. Take care of yourself

Parents who are depressed or upset are often unable to respond swiftly and sensitively to their child's needs. One study, published in the journal Child Development and Psychopathology, found that children whose mothers were chronically and clinically depressed had abnormal patterns of brain activity, suggesting that the children also suffered from depression. Seek advice about coping with postpartum depression, and talk with your caregiver any time you think you may be struggling with depression.

If you're feeling drained, find ways to divide the household and parenting responsibilities with your partner. If you're a single parent, surround yourself with people who can offer you help and support. And don't forget to treat yourself to some time alone once in a while. Being a parent — especially an involved and active one — is tiring, and you need time to re-energize.

9. Find good childcare

If you work and aren't able to care for your baby during the day (or need a babysitter regularly), a quality childcare provider is essential to your baby's healthy development. You'll want to find someone who can do all the things mentioned above when you're not around. Whether your childcare provider is a nanny, a relative, or a daycare worker, she should be experienced, caring, and reputable, with a genuine love for children and the energy to help your baby thrive.

A Lesson For All

2008-03-17T12:18:00.001+08:00

I got this from Mel in email, thought i'd post it here....

I Love Rubber Bands
By Bo Sanchez

Let me tell you a crazy story I heard recently.There' s this husband who out of sheer love for his wife decided to prove it to her. So he swam the widest oceans, crossed the deepest rivers, and climbed the highest mountains to show his deep devotion to her. But in the end, she divorced him.

Why? Because he was never home.(Get it?)

Let me tell you an experience I had as a kid. One day, I asked Mom, 'Why do my shoes keep eating my socks?' As a young boy, that was always a mystery for me. All my other classmates never had that problem. Their socks remained tight and high up their legs the entire day.

Mom didn't answer my question but simply gave me two rubber bands which I dutifully placed around the top of my socks. To this day, fifteen years later, I still have permanent circle marks around my legs. But aside from giving me this slight defect, the two bands worked like magic.

It never occurred to me that Dad and Mom didn't have the money to buy a new pair of socks for me. So I wore five-year-old socks, all soggy, grayish, and garter less. And yet amazingly, I never complained. I believe it was because Dad was always home when I needed him. Every night, after coming from work, we'd jog together, sit around, and talk about Tarzan, Farrah Fawcett Majors, God, and what I wanted to be when I grew up (a stockholder) . On Saturdays, we'd walk to Cubao, eat a hotdog-on-a- stick,and buy new rubber bands before going home.

I've learned that in truth, we don't want our loved ones to show their love for us in big ways. Swimming the widest oceans, crossing the deepest rivers, and climbing the highest mountains seem spectacular - but that's not what we really want. Deep in our hearts, we just want them home. With us.

Sometimes, God will operate that way. Suddenly, He decides not to answer our prayers, or fill our need, or heal our sickness, or give us the miracle we're asking for. (He's got reasons why He won't, and believe me - they're pretty good ones.) So He'll just be there beside you, holding you in a hug. Sharing your pain. Weeping as you weep. Oh, He might give you some rubber bands. And that small comfort from Him will be more than enough to sustain you. Because the most essential truth you already know,

..to be home.

Observe Earth Hour

2008-03-14T14:13:00.006+08:00

Turn off your lights for 1 hour at 8 pm on the 29th March 2008.

You can make a difference.

For more information please visit the WWF Earth Hour homepage. Oh and don't forget to calculate your carbon footprint. I produce 9.94 tons of CO2/year!

Wise words

2008-03-12T16:15:00.000+08:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind"

Are you a GOOD person?

2008-03-11T17:06:00.004+08:00

Try the ultimate test here

No I am not a good person. Not in the eyes of God, not by His standards. Time to self-reflect.

I find comfort in You.

"God will let you laugh again. You'll raise the roof with shouts of joy"
- Job 8:21.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own under standing. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Come to me all you who are burdened and I will give you rest"
- Matt 11:28

If God is for me, who can be against me?

Footprints in the sand....

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
- Mary Stevenson, 1936

I can't remember the last time I did one of these....

2008-03-11T15:23:00.001+08:00

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.

You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.

The purpose of your life: showing love to other people

Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dalai Lama, Oprah

Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

How much sleep does your child need?

2008-03-11T13:06:00.002+08:00

I got this from Baby Center weekly updates, Your Baby This Week.

....Age......... Nighttime Sleep....... Daytime Sleep...... * Total Sleep
1 month............. 8 1/2........................ 7 (3)...................... 15 1/2
3 months............. 10........................... 5 (3)......................... 15
6 months............. 11......................... 3 1/4 (2)................. 14 1/4
9 months............. 11........................... 3 (2)......................... 14
12 months........... 11 1/4.................. 2 1/2 (2)................ 13 3/4
18 months.......... 11 1/4................... 2 1/4 (1)................ 13 1/2
2 years................. 11.......................... 2 (1)......................... 13
3 years............... 10 1/2 ..................1 1/2 (1).................... 12
* number of naps in parentheses

On average, Elil gets about 10-11 hours of sleep at night. And around 2-3 hours during the day. So this adds up to 12-14 hours. I think she should be getting more sleep. Her afternoon naps vary from 45 minutes to 2.5 hours. I think we need to get her more tired and sleepy before attempting to put her to bed. Then she will have longer and deeper naps. Poor thing, she has the biggest baby eye bags under her eyes. But I doubt this is due to lack of sleep because they are apparent even when she's had enough snooze time. It may be genetic. Daddy and Grandma both have sunken eye bags. Haha.

Family Ties

2008-03-11T09:11:00.004+08:00

I read this very interesting article today in The Sun. I think its great advice and a lesson for all parents or parents-to-be out there.

Over-parenting is a CURSE

Middle class baby boomer parents are strangling their children with their apron-strings. The all controlling parents, pushy or uber-parents today have had a starring role in a number of news stories recently.

Huddersfield University in Britain has even had to set up a "family liason officer" to save the Goldman Sachs stall from a horde of angry middle-class mothers and feed information to parents round-the-clock about their kids' progress.

This smother-love is spreading so fast that it is causing a slew of social problems. Some are obvious: a major contributor to the rise in child obesity in the refusal of parents to let their kids outside - even though they are statistically no more likely to be kidnapped by a paedophile today than in 1958 and 1908.

So many people especially the rich, had parents who were still managing their lives into their 20s. University was once the breaking-point when even the most coddled kids could flee. Now mobile phones have become the longest umbilical cord in history.

The Californian child psychologist Dr. Madeline Levine has produced the most detailed studies of the consequences after she stumbled across something that seemed paradoxial in their treatment of teenagers.

"I found that kids from the wealthiest families had the highest rates of anxiety and depression and substance abuse, more than poor children", she says. "It just didn't make sense at first blush". Why would privileged kids be more miserable than poor kids?

She found that instead of being listened to and allowed to develop naturally, the wealthiest children were allowed no space to develop, except as carbuncles on the side of their parents' swollen egos. They were constantly driven from one 'Enriching Activity' to another, micromanaged by manager-parents.

Levine explains, "Paradoxically, the more [the parents] pour in, the less full many of my patients seem to be. Indulged, coddled, pressured and micromanaged from the outside, my young patients appeared to be inadvertently deprived of an opportunity to develop on the inside".

It's an essential part of growing up to learn to take risks, get in trouble and sort it out on your own. But pushy parents are determined to strip any risk from their child's life. In the end, it produces 2 kinds of children: the puffed-up and the paranoid.

The latter is the more worrying. These children have been raised behiind closed doors and taught to see the outside world as unseen menace. The London-based clinical psychologist Dr. Cecilia D'Felice explains," I see young people in my consulting room all the time now who are incredibly anxious about life. It's learning behaviour. They have been fussed over all their lives and they've internalised that parental anxiety. If you try to have a germ-free environment your child will actually get sick because she wont develop any resistance to germs. If you try to havea risk-free environment your child will become psychologically sick

The rise in bulimia, aneroxia and self-harm among teenagers is partly a product of all this over-parenting. As Levine says of a typical teenage sel-harmer she treated, a 15 year-old girl who carved the word "empty" on her arm with an old razor: "She felt little control over what happend to her. Cutting was one of the few things over which she did feel control".

Why is this happening? Why have so many of the baby-boomers turned out to be baby-Fuhrers, strangling their kids with their apron-strings? Their children are the safest who have ever lived. They are more likely to die in their beds of old age than any generation in history, yet their parents fear, constantly. There is no detailed research explaining their paranoia but there are some prosaic explanations.

Parents are having fewer children, later in life, often after gruelling fertility treatments. We live in a paranoid culture where every negligible risk is blown-up by a 24/7 media into a drum-beat of doom. We live in a hyper consumerist culture where we define ourselves by what we own.

Children are inevitably drawn into this vortex, as another glittering status symbol. 'Have you seen my handbag? Have you seen my child?'

Most parents crash-land into their childrens' lives for another burst of command-and-control, it's clear this is not about their child's needs but their own. They need their children to be dependent on them (and Successful with a capital-S) because they see their kids as extensions of their own ego, not as separate individuals with their own lives to live.

This isn't love. It is narcissism. It's time we told these middle-class Boomer parents: you need to grow up or your children never will.

Antibiotics

2008-03-05T15:24:00.002+08:00

Elil had her first real case of a fever over a week ago and it got me thinking. My first instinct was to bring her to the doctor even though I read that a fever below 39 degree C was not considered high (38-39 degree C is considered a low grade fever). I took her temperature and it was 38.5 degree C. So I did what most doctors would advise mummys of fevered babies to do. I gave Elil baby paracetemol, tried giving her more liquids to keep her hydrated and dabbed her forehead with a cold compress. A fever is our body's way of fighting off an infection and I read that we should allow it to take its course. Most fevers go down within a day or two. In the end, I did not bring Elil immediately to the doctor because nearly all doctor's would prescribe antibiotics which is one thing I am trying my best to avoid giving my infant. Instead, I waited and prayed and hoped the fever would go down. I was advised by an experienced nurse to change pediatrician if my current one prescribes antibiotics for a low grade fever. Antibiotics should be avoided whenever possible. They are used to cure only bacterial infections only. Antibiotics do not cure or help viral infections. Giving an infant antibiotics at an early age just increases a bacterias resistance to the medication.

Elil's fever went up and down for 2.5 days. By the third day her fever was at its highest. I couldn't take it anymore and brought her to the nearest pediatrician. Her temperature was 39 degree C and the doctor prescribed antibiotics. I brought Elil home and gave it to her and finished the course as instructed. I think about it today and I wonder if I made the right choice.

Some interesting comments from other concerned mothers here. To learn more about fever in children, visit this informative site.

Testimony #2: He spoke to me again

2008-03-05T08:59:00.003+08:00

It's been dragging for months now. I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut that I am in. And where were You all this time? I felt as if You had abandoned me. I knew it in my heart that all I had to do was SURRENDER to You and You would lift me up. But I couldn't. Wouldn't. I was stubborn. I didn't know why.

I am at one of my lowest points as I drive back from work on Monday. I cannot take it anymore. I scream to You. On the top of my lungs. I beg You to help me. I cry and cry until I shake. And I have all my hope in You. What happens next just about kills my spirit. I miss my exit and find myself in the wrong direction. I find myself on the way to Sungai Buloh. Calm down I tell myself. Otta's phone is unreachable. My instinct is to call my mother, she always finds a way to make me feel better. First things first, get off the road. Thank God for the Sungai Buloh reststop. I wait there and wail. My mother is on the line listening to her beloved daughter go hysterical. I can tell she desperately wants to help me but can only do so much. She is on the verge of tears but holds back for my sake. It kills me to put her through the pain of hurting for me. But that's what mother's are for. Strong. They take away as much pain of ours as they can and make it their own. Selfless. She then passes the phone to my father as she tries to get through to Otta. I am in no condition to drive back on my own she tells me. My father's words are logical and calm and I start to think straight. I tell myself I need to be strong. A mother needs to be strong and dependable.

No need to pick me up I tell Otta through my mother. I can find my way back. After pulling myself together and wiping my eyes dry, I head in the direction of Sungai Buloh. So misleading our Malaysian signboards for they told me I would be able to make a u-turn to KL about 1 km down. But several km's later, still no u-turn. Next signboard reads Rawang. I get a call from Allen who tells me I'm on the Guthrie Highway and that I need not worry because it isn't a long highway (like the KL-JB highway). Ok great. All I can do is go on and on until I see some sort of sign. Finally, I see Klang/Shah Alam exit. Relief sets in. I play my Praise & Worship in my phone. As I drive along this country highway (seriously), You talk to me. You tell me that You have not abandoned me but that You have yet to SAVE me. And it all made sense to me. Everything fell into place. I realized that this suffering is a NECESSARY part of Your plan for me. Also that You have more suffering in store for me before You decide to pick me up in Your glory. I am in fear of what is to come but things are clearer to me now and I find myself more dependent on You. I do not know Your plan and I do not understand Your ways. But I put my trust in You. I must take my cross. As I think of my cross, I hear these words from my phone...."Mighty is the power of the cross...."

As expected, things have taken a turn for the worse, but by Your grace I am calm. By Your grace I am grateful. Thank you. Thank you for the cross. Mighty is the power of the cross.

What can take a dying man and raise him up to life again?
What can heal a wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness?
Brokenness...

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is the power of the cross

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones
What can save and overcome?
Overcome...

It's a miracle to me
It's a miracle to me
And It's still a mystery
It's still a mystery
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
For those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is...Mighty is...Mighty is the power of the cross
Thank You for the cross
Love the cross
So Powerful...ohhhhh yeahhh

What can take a dying man?
And raise him up to life again?
Worship You Jesus
By your wounds we are healed
By your wounds we are saved
Mighty is the power of the cross
Thank You Jesus for the Holy cross

I am not me

2008-03-03T12:13:00.004+08:00

I am not the same person I used to be.

I was generally a happy person. But now I am generally sad.

I was an animated person who was once described in one word as talkative. I avoid lenghty conversations now.

I used to be a good listener. Now I can't wait for the other person to shut-up.

I was passionate. But now couldn't care less.

I was the pig of the bunch. Now I eat to live.

I once enjoyed coming to work. I hate it now. I dread it.

I used to have things to look forward to. Maybe they're still there but I've lost interest.

Watching TV or a movie used to be fun. I'm looking at the screen now but my mind is lost.

I used to care somewhat about what I look like when I go out the door. This morning I left the house without a glimpse in the mirror. I don't believe I combed my hair.

Rolling over with laughter until either my tummy hurt or I tear. Boy is that a thing of the past. No more hearty laughs.

It's kind of sad. I'm at the prime of my life, I should have so much to look forward to, new family, bright future but I have never been more miserable. Go figure.

However, I should remind myself, "This too shall pass...."

What are your values?

2008-02-27T14:02:00.006+08:00

Sincerity? Honesty? Pride?
Status? What is in a name?
Is it the doing?
Or the being?
Individuality? Personality?
Power? Material wealth?
Equality?
Physical beauty? Race?
Mutual Respect?
Religion? Faith?
The freedom to be? Fame?
Compassion? Empathy? Pity?
Humility?
Unity? Truth? The truth shall set you free

Baby Stuff Are So Cool

2008-02-15T10:54:00.008+08:00

Since baby was born shopping has never been the same! Never have I seen baby stuff the way I do now. So many cool and funky gadgets, baby outifts, hats, shoes, you name it la. Never have I been shopping without being tempted to step in a shoe store or browse through the racks of Zara or MNG or FOS. In any shopping mall, my first instinct is to walk into the first baby store and check out what they have. I can feel the tension from hubby as I am drawn towards the shop that reads 'BABY'. We don't need 90% of the things I have my eyes on but they're just so damn NICE. How to not be tempted? For example, how could you not want....

....this super cool Squirt Baby Food Dispensing Spoon? You fill the food up in the spoon and squeeze it when you want to refill the spoon. No more going back and forth between food jar and spoon. So cool when you're out and about. Damn it, I wantttttt. I found this online and the store only ships within the US/Canada.

....or how about these super funky bibs? They're made of neoprene which is the same material these use to make wet suits. Plus the little pocket thingy to collect crumbs and food bits is held up with buttons. Check out the cool colors!

....or how about this Snack Ball? Just dump your baby's snack in and twist the lid. It makes a fun toy too for the itty bitty ones anyway. How do people come up with such cool ideas? I wish I was creative.

Gong Xi Fa Cai - Happy year of the rat!

2008-02-11T11:04:00.001+08:00

L - R: Elil, Daddy, Mummy

Hehe. Welcoming in the new year in my favorite colour. Red, red and red. We visited two families on the first day of Chinese New Year and that was about it. I still collect Ang Pow. On behalf of the little sweetie of course. Unfortunately I collect less than I have to give out. Actually, it feels good to give out. I spent the next few days just hanging with my two favorite people, managed to catch up with some recent movies, brought the angel swimming, spent some much needed quality time with the hubby. So that was it, my quiet and somewhat refreshing (for the most part) new year.

I have so been looking forward to seeing a lion dance but have been so out of luck. Its so quiet this year, there are hardly any fireworks. The few you hear are probably illegal and the guys burning them probably have the authorities at their doorstep collecting ang pow minutes later. What happend to the lion dance troops that used to come by the dozens to perform outside your house for a few minutes in exchange for a red packet? I miss the excitement and anticipation. And to imagine until I was about 10 or 11 I was freaked out by the noise from the beating drums and clanging cymbals. While my sisters, cousins and all the neighborhood kids ran into the streets at the very echo of a lion dance troop, I used to lock myself in the most secure room, furthest away from any windows or doors, plug my ears with cotton wool and cry. And cry. My heart would pound. And even after the lions were long gone, I could still hear the drums and cymbals resonate in my ears. Non-stop. It was haunting. I really hated it. Even hearing them on TV spooked me out. It was just the lingering noise though not the actual lion that got me all panicky. Until today, I am unable to explain why. I wonder if there are other people who were as distrubed by this as me....

The Working New Mother

2008-01-17T12:01:00.000+08:00

7 months and 8 days of motherhood. What can I say?

1. Before I leave for work at 8 am, I explain to Elil that I have to work today and I won't be back until 6 pm. Nowadays, I don't get to go back for lunch. So its that much harder leaving her in the mornings. It's a quick farewell. I read long farewells can be drepressing for both mother and baby. But there has to be a goodbye. 5 bloody times a week! Baby understands more than we think.

2. You don't know how I rush to get home at 5:30 pm. The slightest traffic congestion gets me worked up. Sometimes I run from the car to the lift, so eager to see Elil. It sounds crazy I know, but wait till you have a baby of your own. I wash my hands with soap just before leaving the office, I take my watch off in the car and get the house keys ready in the lift. To save time so that the moment I see her at the door I can scoop her in my arms and shower her with kisses. Yes, crazy.

3. I know I need some time for myself but it's so hard to find it (time). Especially when there's so little left after work. I wan't to spend these precious moments with Elil. To get to know her. To tell her about my day and ask her about hers. I have'nt been a total hermit. I have been out, hanging with my husband or friends, attend a company dinner or two. But it has been difficult. I tend to feel a little sad when I get back home and look at the sleeping Elil. How could I have left her (even for those few hours)?

4. Shopping. I still love it. But right now my focus and the source of shopping excitement is not bags or shoes but anything baby. I saw the coolest gadget the other day. I had to have it. It's a portable baby food blender, bottle/jar warmer and sterilizer ALL in one. So cool. It also cost a bomb and my husband thinks we don't need it. Oh but we do, its especially handy when we travel. When we travel la.

5. If I could only work from home. * super sigh* Or work part-time. But I don't think this is something that happens here a lot. And it probably isn't too practical. I'll probably be better off not working at all. Why is it so hard? A mother should be with her children. Do you know how old-fashioned i'm sounding right now? The maternal instinct is strong in this one.

6. I'm jealous of the maid. She spends more time with my child than I do. Isn't that just wrong ka? I wasn't around when she first started doing the 'commando crawl'. I wasn't the first to witness her holding her own nennen bottle. Her first 'word' is not mama. Actually I didn't really expect it to be, coz pronouncing 'mummy' is pretty difficult for little babies plus how do they derive 'mama' from 'mummy'?

7. I don't know how working mothers do it.

Introducing Baby Ronan

2008-01-03T14:19:00.000+08:00

My nephew baby Ronan Lim Li Hoong born 4th December 2007 weighing 3.0kg. Ain't he a cutie? Lookin a lot like his cousin Elil. In this shot she is 3 weeks old. Precious little one.

He spoke to me again

2007-11-19T16:15:00.000+08:00

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

PTL

Created Equal

2007-10-23T16:37:00.000+08:00

I have always known and felt that people are people no matter their background, upbringing, race, religion, native soil, etc. In the eyes of our Creator, we are equal. The only difference between us all; rich-poor, beautiful-hideous, healthy-sick, royal-common, powerful-weak, literate-iliterate, privileged-underprivileged, permanent-contingent, is circumstance. I repeat. CIRCUMSTANCE. We are all victims of circumstance. A big part of who we are is determined by the condition in which we are brought up or situation we are exposed to. So the fact that you have the opportunity to read this blog proves that you are fortunate and blessed and that chances are you were born under decent circumstances.

You need to know that where I was brought up I never experienced much racial or class divide. Maybe I was ignorant and naive and could not see what was going on in front of me. Or maybe this was due to the fact that I lived in a middle class neighbourhood, attended a middle class school and I socialized with a middle class society. Maybe it's because when raising their daughters my parents never mentioned or focused on differences between people. We were never made to feel that we were better (or worse) than anyone else. We were and still are ordinary people. In no means is ordinary bad by the way. Maybe its a result of the degree of 'rojakness' within the people that we are able to feel somewhat united. Or maybe we are fused together through our love for 'aramaiti'. Whatever the reason, I strongly believe that we need to start treating each other with equal respect. No one person is more deserving of respect than another. We need to stop judging. As humanly impossible as it seems, we need to try. We need to be more compassionate. Empathy not pity.

Why is it there is so much conflict arising from our differences? Can't we celebrate our diversity? We tend to frown upon people, things or situations that don't register in our minds as normal or acceptable. There are 6.6 billion people on our planet! 6.6 billion different lives, with different cultures and beliefs. 6.6 billion hearts, with different joys and fears. 6.6 billion different views on what is right or wrong. 6.6 billion different ways of leading a life. All lives equally important, all eager to feel validated and believe they matter. All equally entitled to their own happiness and freedom to make choices. Yet we choose to live in our own little closed minded worlds. Refusing to open our hearts to the fact that there is life, real life beyond our own. I truly believe that if we could start treating each other the way we would like to be treated ourselves and to have consideration to a person's feelings as if it were our own, the world would be a better place to live in!

I'm so blessed with the best friends

2007-09-06T17:12:00.000+08:00

.... wish i could be eleven again, and my biggest worry regarding you was tht you wont be at the drain when i get there.remember? i dont think i ever walked around that drain, its like, a whole extra 20 stepsbut you were always there.

.... in you, Pu, i see a strong person, someone who can always make the best of a situation. thats what i see, i don't know if you don't feel it. i'll always be here for you. i tolong you cross the drain. if you jatuh i help you out, i give u baju so u can mandi.i hope there will come a time when we can all laugh about this. take care, and hugs. to elil too.

:)-- Selina

Drowning

2007-08-24T11:51:00.000+08:00

I swim.
I drown.
Drowning,
in tears.
A pool of mud!
Like quicksand,
pulled deeper and deeper.
The weight unbearable,
it presses on my being.
Too weak to fight it.
Tired. Jaded.

I swim.
I drown.
Drowning,
in tears.
A pool of mud!

It aches.
Tears. Draining.
No more tears. Drained.
Numb.

Help.
Please,
pull me out.
Help.

Real Girl

2007-08-22T10:20:00.000+08:00

If I had one chance to

Live my life again

I wouldn't make no changes

Now or way back when (yeah)

And if everything turns out

The way I hope it goes

But I cant wait to find out

What it is that God knows

But I don't wanna think about

What's gonna come around for me

I'll just take it day by day

'Cause it's the only way

To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else'

Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

And nothing's ever perfect

There's no guarantee

And if I knew the answers

It would put my mind at ease (no)

So I'll just keep on going

The way I've gone so far

And maybe I'll end up

Tryin' to catch a fallin star (yeah)

But I don't wanna think about

What's gonna come around for me

I'll just take it day by day

'Cause it's the only way

To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else

'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

Baby this is who I am

Don't need you to understand

'Cause everything is right where it should be

It wont be long til you know about me,

'Cause I don't give a...Even when I'm out of love

'Cause everythings just how it should be

And it wont be long till you know about me

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else

'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else

'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

I have been tagged by chantekmaumatee...

2007-08-01T17:10:00.000+08:00

Write 6 weird things about yourself.

This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so damn normal. Hmm....

1. I drink water from a glass or a clear container only.

2. (half an hour later) Gee....

Ok guys, I can't think of anything else. Anyone want to help me out here? What about me is weird?

Thanks.

Jaded

2007-08-01T13:08:00.000+08:00

JADED. Meaning worn-out, broken-down or weary.

Happy 50th Birthday Malaysia! Merdeka!

2007-07-24T14:11:00.000+08:00

8 reasons why I 'love' being Malaysian:

1. Malaysians still do not give up their seats to pregnant women, the elderly, handicapped,etc. in public transportation even when there are signs to do so posted everywhere. Even after several ads are aired on tv telling people to do so. I know from first hand experience.

2. I was at the Ikea restaurant just the other day with Ots (during the members sale). It was lunch time so the place was packed. After several minutes looking for a place to sit, we finally find half a table. A table for four occupied by two. So I do the polite thing and asked the seated couple if the two seats next to them were occupied. They said no. So I waited a few seconds for the guy to move his shopping bag and the girl to move her handbag. They give me this hesitant look and the girl has the nerve to say, "Urm, our bags are here". I couldn't believe my ears. I just stand there stunned. Then I turn to Ot's and say real sarcastically, "I guess their bags are tired and need to sit". We walk off. It wasn't until later that I realized how terrible their action really was. I was standing there in front of them with Elil in my arms and Otta is 4 months pregnant! Holy cow!

3. Malaysians don't know how to queue properly. Restrooms. Why is it we can't have a single line so that people get to use the loo in proper turn? Why is it we still insist on having one line for each stall? It's just wrong. I must admit I am guilty of this too but only because if I did wait the proper way, I may never have the chance to use the loo.

4. A lot of the time our newspapers give us half-truths and most of us just take it all in. I just laugh.

5. We claim to be united. Are we really?

6. I have just about had enough of holding the world record for having the biggest flag, highest flag pole, biggest curry puff, etc. Whatever.

7. Government offices/departments. Enough said. I hear they have plans to improve their 'services with a smile'.

8. Our favorite (or only) pastime is jalan-jalan in a shopping mall (especially people in and around the KL area).

Lonely

2007-07-16T10:45:00.000+08:00

My mother left yesterday. She's back in KK. I know she left with mix feelings. Wanting to be back with Meriel and my father, also needing to feel at home again. Needing to be here with me, to take care of me and to just enjoy Elil. I miss her dearly. It was so hard to leave her at the airport. I gave her a quick hug and immediately pulled away. I couldn't even look her in the eyes. I cried all the way back to Kajang.

I prayed for a good night last night. Elil was an angel. So easy to please. She is downstairs at this moment sleeping soundly in her cot. It hurts me to be so far away from her (I am upstairs). I can't help but want her near me and with me at all times. I want my husband near me at all times too. But right now he is so far away and it makes things even more unbearable. Since Elil was born, there has not been a moment where I felt like were a family. It's kind of sad. I hope to feel it soon. I cannot wait for my husband to be back to complete this new family of ours.

I can't explain what I feel when I hold Elil in my arms, when I look at her sleeping. The pride, the love, the peace, the joy. She is just so perfect and beautiful through and through. I want to spend every moment with her be it a peaceful and quiet moment or a restless and crying night. I want to hold her and never let her go. I want to hold my husband and never let him go. Four more days before I get to be in his arms again. Time could not go by more slowly.

2007-07-11T11:46:00.000+08:00

It was so nice. I got the chance to dress up a little for Elil's full moon AND the end of my confinement. Yay! Ok, I cheated a bit, I have actually been out shopping the past few days in some dingy little mall 5 minutes away. Carol and Yo will be able to tell you how little and how dingy. Anyhow, never judge a mall by its size or appearance. To my delight, the Levi's/Dockers store at the mall's entrance has turned into a factory outlet. After months of not being able to shop for 'normal' clothes, you don't know how excited this made me. Even my mom was all puppy-panting excited. Plus while I was pregnant I told myself the first thing I'm going to get for myself after delivering is a nice pair of hot-hot jeans. Heh heh. So back to the store, there weren't many stuff for women but the collection they did have were real nice and my size plus the jeans were going for 100 bucks. So I tried on a couple but ended up getting only a pair, 593's. I should be giving this mall more credit man. So this was on Monday.

The day before Sunday. Carol and I went to the same mall, to shop. Duh. I didn't plan on getting anything. Carol wanted to get a document bag so we went hunting for bags. Everything was on sale. So strong the temptation. Alas I didn't get anything. In Parkson anyway. So we walked around the mall a bit. Baby shops are now very tempting as well so we went into a few. Got one of those rubber bath mats for Elil. Did a little more browsing then I thought to myself what would a shopping trip be without a visit to the shoe store. So excite! First shoe store, I got myself a pair of maroon closed-toe flats yang sungguh classic for RM19.90. Second store, I got another shiny classic maroon number with kitten heels for RM38.00. So beauty! Did I mention I need to give this mall more credit? So lumayan my trip to the mall. I'm satisfied, so enough shopping for now.

Wanna see my pretty red toes?

2007-07-07T14:31:00.001+08:00

Beware pregnant and postnatal women!

Ever heard of a gas/air embolism? Well, in short a gas embolism happens when gas/air enters the blood stream and obstructs oxygen-rich blood from flowing through the body. Basically no blood to your brain, lungs, heart, etc. I'm sure you get what I mean. You can die!

Bet you don't know how (easily) you can get a gas/air embolism? Gas can be introduced into the blood stream of a pregnant woman or a woman who has just given birth (usually less than 6 weeks after delivery) by blowing air into the vagina. This can easily happen while oral sex is being performed on the woman. If you're not scared or shocked or freaked yet, read this article, Death By Sex.

Isn't it surprising that most people know little or nothing about gas embolisms and how easily they can occur? And what the potential consequences are? The way I see it, a lot of pregnant and postnatal women are probably not up to having intercourse (often) during this period because a) it's hard to find a comfortable position when your'e a balloon and b) I don't think the episiotomy has fully healed yet. So the closest substitute? Probably oral sex! Who would have guessed something so pleasurable could end up being fatal.

So now you know! Feel free to share this information with friends and family.

Want to know more about embolisms?, click Embolisms.

I've been wanting to do this for some time now....

2007-07-01T13:27:00.000+08:00

In no particular order. You know who you are.

I love you because you can't bear to see a friend hurt or upset. There will never be a moment when I am in distress and you are not there to console me. It's ok that you occasionaly forget important dates! In difficult times, just knowing you are my friend is enough to get me through. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve you. I thank God for you.

I love you because you have seen the worst in me and you love me still. You will never let anything come between us. There is so much you hide behind your 'ah-lien' exterior that it's sometimes hard to read you but inside you have only goodness and kindness to give. I thank God for you.

I love you because (it may not show but) deep down you have the biggest heart. You have always felt it your responsibility to protect me. We always had a special connection, a strong bond. Lately, we see less of each other and seldom connect like we used to but still I know you love me. I thank God for you.

I love you because (although you find it so hard to show,) you love me unconditionally. All you have ever wanted for me is peace and happiness. We may have had our rough patches but through it all I know that you never stopped loving me. I take you for granted sometimes. I wish I didn't. I thank God for you.

I love You because You are my Saviour. Without You I am nothing. All You want is my friendship. I fall, give up and turn away from You but every single time You will pick me up if only I let You. Your unending love and grace fills me up and moves me to tears. I thank You.

I love you because you are true to yourself, real and sincere. You have a strong head on your shoulders and for that I admire you. Your strength and ability to see things as they are has helped me through many a tough time. I can always trust you. You will make a fantastic mom one day! I thank God for you.

I love you because you have been my pillar my whole life. I look up to you. Your wisdom, strength and patience is inspiring. Your love for and faithfulness to God is admirable. I want to have your patience. I want to be like you. I love how our relationship has grown and matured over the years. I thank God for you.

I love you because of your gentleness and patience, your sweetness and affection, your humor. I know sometimes I can be overbearing and demanding but your love never fails. I will become a better person for you. I have faith in our love - our decision to love each other. I thank God for you.

I love you because you are the baby. You will forever be the baby. I have always felt the need to protect you and nurture you. Your'e a big girl now but to me you will forever be the sweetest little thing. I trust you will always honor and live up to my 'cacatness'. Keep Jesus close to your heart. I thank God for you.

I love you because you are mine. You and I are permanently connected through our experience together while you were forming in my womb and when I introduced you the the world. You are my sunshine. You are my angel. You don't have to do anything or be anyone in particular to make me love you. I love you unconditionally. I thank God for you.

I love you because of your humor and your freaky ways. No one makes cacatness seem cool like you do. I wish I had half your wit. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I enjoy our conversations be it about meaningless crap or our innermost feelings or even gossip. We don't do this often enough so get your butt here! I thank God for you.

I love you because you have always been there for me. You have always been there to support me in everything. Your guidance and lessons have helped me in so many ways. I don't tell you often enough how much I appreciate all you have done. Sometimes I want to give you a long hard hug just to let you know how much you mean to me. I thank God for you.

I love you because you always manage to turn a sad or depressing situation into something fun and exciting. There's never a dull moment when you're around! I truly appreciate the times when I've been down and you are there to cheer me up and put a smile on my face. I thank God for you.

My pot of gold came early

2007-06-27T15:20:00.000+08:00

Check her out:

Mummy's Angel

TESTIMONIAL #1

2007-01-10T09:03:00.000+08:00

Last night an event did not turn out the way I hoped and expected. Don't sweat the small stuff my sister always says. And yea, it wasn't a big deal really. But to me, small things matter so much. I can't explain why. And this particular incident, although seemingly insignificant made me sad. I was disappointed and frustrated. To me it was a sign of things to come, a forming pattern that would keep on occurring (in different ways) until it did eventually amount to something significant or BIG. But as mentioned in my previous entry, I am now capable of blocking out negative thoughts (better than I used to anyway) and I tried to push it aside instead of allowing myself to turn into the drama queen that I am (hey, I didn't ask to be this way). So I told myself, "Pu let it be...." I bid my farewell to Ots and upon hearing her voice, I couldn't help but cry. Relax she told me, all will be fine. I know that. I thought of God and aknowledged his constant presence.

I am in the process of moving to Kajang and am clearing my room in stages. My car was loaded with clothes, boxes of books/magazines, my art stuff, etc. and I prepared for the drive back. I didn't want to cry but heck when your'e sad and there's no one there to comfort you, a few tears always help. So I allowed myself to let go. As I was driving down the hill, I switched on the radio and as usual, it's all crap. Then I remembered that I just got my ipod charged and uploaded with some praise and worship songs that Meriel had given me. I am instantly relieved that I at least have quality music to entertain me during my drive back. I always set my ipod on shuffle. I forget what the first song was but I skipped it. Then Alanis Morisette's Ironic came on and I skipped it too (but I love that song!). At that same moment I prayed for some praise and worship just to soothe my heavy heart. And of all the 115 hits and 20 p&w songs in my ipod, I hear a voice and this is what it says,

"God we lay down our burdens, our cares, our troubles before you because truly (music starts playing gently) you are our all in all, you are our king of kings, and we worship you today, we praise your name because of who you are and what youv'e done for us...."

The moment I hear these comforting words, I break down sobbing. This time tears of pure joy (remember the joy I was looking for?). Overcome with peace. He spoke to me and assured me that when I am troubled or broken, all I have to do is seek Him and I will be free and made whole again. The feeling was AMAZING, I felt like I could do anything, overcome everything. I could not stop thanking Him over and over again. I have always felt God's presence in my life but this time it rushed through me stronger than ever before.

And then, the song starts....

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that i seek

You are my all in all

Seeking you as a precious jewel

Lord to give up I'd be a fool

You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again I bless your name

You are my all in all

When I fall down you pick me up

When I am dry you fill my cup

You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Although an old song that I have known for ages now, You Are My All In All (by Hillsong if I am not mistaken) has recently (some months now) touched me in a way never before and I've made a request for it to be played during my wedding as I walk down the isle. Now more than before, it holds special meaning to me.

True happiness - joy is something we have to work hard to achieve and an experience we need to constantly nurture and continuously grow.

One last thing, I received a promotion today. Not the one that I have been waiting for but maybe something better. Praise the Lord!

Happy people make me wanna barf

2007-01-08T14:54:00.000+08:00

I have been reading people's blogs lately and it makes me sick how happy some people can be. I know I sound bitter. I am. Honestly, is it really possible to be THAT happy? It's disgusting. It's not that I'm depressed or anything. I just can't help it if I find it annoying that some people seem to live in a fairy tale of happily ever after. Why is it I am not deliriously happy??

I've tried it all. Think happy thoughts, always be positive, take each day at a time, pray and let God, etc. They all kinda work to a certain extent, and yea I'm 'happy' for that moment but then I'm back where I started in no time. Praying helps and I feel relief and am able to keep myself above average in the happiness department but still, something is lacking. I need the happiness or joy to run through me and live in me. Inside, I am just blek. I want to be thrilled and eager to live life. I want to be excited to see what tomorrow brings. I want to be me. I want US. I want peace.

What have I to look forward to? The future stresses me out. Not thinking about it helps. The constant worry I have over my future happiness is stopping me from experiencing happiness now. I have actually mastered the art of blocking all (ok not all, just about 80% of) negative thoughts out of my head, which is great but in the process I've come to realize happiness is not something that will surely follow. Why not?? True happiness - joy does not come about from something that happens to you or something someone does for you. It comes from within. How do I bring it out? How in the hell do happy people do it?

While waiting for an answer, I keep this verse close to heart:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,
And lean not on thine own understanding,
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct thy path.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Ach-ing

2006-12-19T13:31:00.000+08:00

Today I wake up and I feel like my body has ran a marathon during the night without telling me. My neck, shoulders, down to my sides, lower back, arms, thighs and calves. Gosh! I'm aching all over. It's so hard to move anything, everything is just so heavy and achy. Obviously I didn't get a good nights sleep. Was tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position. Sleep came and went. The morning weather was so dreary that when my alarm rang at 7am the atmosphere outside looked more like 6am. That just made it so much harder to get out of my bed. It was still dark damnit! Lately, I have started to find my apartment kinda depressing. It doesn't feel like home. Did it ever Pu? Even my room is less appealing. My bed feels old and dirty (maybe coz it is?). I think it has a lot to do with the fact that everyone has gone home and I am left alone. The cheer has gone. All Meriel's luggage and the ruckuss outside till like 4am. Gone. The life sucked out of 3A-16-3. On top of that it doesn't help that my housemate has turned into The Grinch!

I don't like it when a house is all closed up and dark and unwelcoming. It's just too depressing. Uninviting. My home is going to be like walking into a ray of sunshine. The sun is going to shine through, you will be able to hear birds chirping outside, the cool occassional breeze, the smell of fresh air. Ahhh...I can see it now. Everything is white and fresh. The light curtains blown in the wind. The sound of soft soothing music. Me sitting in my studio, in the midst of creating some fantastic work of art. My flowers, roses, lavenders, freesias, lilies, lilacs, tulips, alazeas, all blooming in the garden. Their scents are blown through the house. Ok, getting a little unrealistic here. Snap out of it Pu. Me and my wishful thinking. *Sigh*

Time to focus on work!

2006-12-18T15:27:00.000+08:00

1. NAME ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT ?
Gash on my lower leg. I fell into the drain in front of my house.
2.WHERE ARE YOU?
My body is at the office but my mind is focused on Christmas in KK.
3.WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE?
It's black and looks like any other mobile phone.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Right now Christmas songs, before this your basic Mix FM shit and before that Hitz and Fly.
5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
Nada.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To be home sweet home doing nothing sweet nothing.
7.WHAT DO YOU MISS?
I miss my asband and my home in KK.
8.WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
I really should find out.
9. WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
He did.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sumtaims after horror story exchanges yes.
12. YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD
Need you ask? Japanese.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PERFUME?
Right now Envy Me by Gucci.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
It's not like we have so much choice here in Malaysia. Does it even matter?
15. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS?
When I need em sure!
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Energy drinks.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Pepperoni and cheese rules.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Hana Maki OR Ngau Chap with the lada and vinegar.
19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Bala.
20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Yes.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
The first gift I can remember is the glow worm from my mummy.
22. DO U LIKE SOMEONE?
I like a lot of people.
23. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Yea man, FOS.
24. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
I've gone through so many, I don't even know anymore. For now i'd really just love a Cygnus.
25. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
Done it.
26. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
As if you can help/stop it.
27. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Putting their needs first, or second or third depending on how much they mean to you.
28. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED
28.
29. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Brunettes?
30. WHO IS THE ONE PERSON YOU CALL OFTEN?
Bala.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU?
The way Mr. Stoner looks and talks. And right now, a whole load of other things as well.
34. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
My heart. It could also be considered a strength I guess.
35. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
A crucifix from my husband.
36. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
I'm sure I have. Can't think of one though.
39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Work/Chatting.
40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT COULD IT BE?
If I could, I wouldn't.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My skin (not right now though).
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL AND CIGARETTES BECAME ILLEGAL?
Nothing.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Birthday's and gifts are getting old.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
Right now 3.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope.
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Nope.
48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
All fingers on my right hand.
49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Friday night during the conference.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Not really. I don't hate it though.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAL?
Anything goes really.
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Lip biting.
53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Teda.
54. YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF?
Yes I think so.
55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Many times.

One word. RELIEF

2006-12-18T12:23:00.000+08:00

You see the picture? Well, this is exaclty how I feel. I was afraid to proclaim it earlier but it's been 3 days and I think it's safe to say, IT'S OVER PU! The relief I have been waiting so long for.

Today is Monday and also the first time in ages that I have managed to focus at work, get organized and not want to kill my 'stoner' boss when he dumps work on me (however, the sight of him still annoys me). Oh, and I don't feel like dying anymore. THANK YOU GOD. Now let's see if I can pull myself together enough to clean up my room, do the laundry and fold my once-clean clothes....

Last Friday night, my kid sister convinced me to attend the last night rally for Planet Shakers conference held at Sunway Convention Center in Pyramid. There were over 2000 people packed in the hall. Stepping inside, I instantly felt old. Little teenies everywhere. Anyway, by the looks of the set-up, you would never guess a Christian conference was about to go on. It looked more like a rock concert. I half expected to see some dude from Blink 182 jump out. Instead a pastor popped out from no where with his electric guitar and started bouncing about and running from one end of the stage to the other shouting out praise n worship rocker style. It was quite exhilirating and a totally out-of-this-world experience. The singing, jumping, praising, head-banging, rejoicing, clapping was followed by a talk by another pastor. Not your ordinary talk neither, this guy made you burst into laughter every 2 minutes. It was fun and effective. No wonder so many youth are crazy about these (Planet Shakers, Hillsong) Christian movements. I am really glad I decided to go. To top it all off, I was pleasantly surprised when I bumped into an old uni mate sitting on the same row!

Wedding Preparations.....

2006-12-12T12:18:00.000+08:00

I was about to let myself feel down in the dumps and depressed, then I reminded myself, "Pu you have a wedding to plan, pull yourself together and enjoy the moment!" So here I am announcing to the world details of my upcoming wedding....

First things first, MY WEDDING GOWN. I wish I could have taken a picture. Its off-white and a tube with a long trane - probably a little over a meter. My initial plan was to have something real simple but when I tried on the gowns, I said to myself, "How can we NOT go all the way??!!". It's in full floral lace with the waist-line just under the breasts with diamond-like stones that go all the way round. It's quite fitting around the torso and A-line all the way down. Sounds simple I know, but boy is it bea-u-tiful! Perfecto!

My evening gown is real fragile chiffon also in off-white. I want to look the bride all the way! It's a v-neck with thin spaghetti straps and bits of embroidery & sequin between the breasts. Like my wedding gown, it also has an under-the-breast sort of waist-line with an extra flowy piece of chiffon that comes down at the center. A little romantic effect. He he. Forgive me, my 'techincal knowledge' in dress design is a little crappy.

I NEED to discuss my shoes as well. Three words, gold, glittery and glamorous! You need to see them for yourself so here they are, TADA!

Next, MY THEME. I am going to set a world record for most number of bridesmaids. I will have 7 beautiful maids! You don't know how important it is to me and how happy I am to have all my closest gals with me as I make my way down the aisle to say I DO. These 7 lovely lasses will be draped in my favorite color of all time, RED. Ok, I know what you're thinking, sakit mata! It's not a tacky red, it's deep and delicious. So no sakit mata ok, promise. So, my theme will be a mix of off white and deep red. Just for the yin-yang effect, I will be clutching a huge bouquet of deep red roses and the gals will have smaller white roses to hold. To cut the cost, I have plans on having DIY bouquets. I stumbled upon this site that teaches you how to make your own simple but beautiful bouquets. You can check it out as well at DIY Bouquets.

I am trying to upload some pictures but blogger is not co-operating. Darn!