Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Blue Mummy Moment

I'm pretty much done with the first trimester. The morning sickness is showing signs of improvement but I don't seem to be getting my energy back. I still feel like a heavy sack of potatoes. All I want to do is sleep sleep sleep. I really need my energy back so I can go back to being the mother I once was to Elil and the wife my husband needs. It is so hard to get out of bed in the mornings. Elil has been waking up more during the night not so much for nennen but dreams or nightmares. When I return from work I have some energy in me to spare Elil. On Monday we played bubbles outside then she helped water the plants, more of like main air. She was so impressed with mummy's instant water fountain. And yesterday, I put her in the sling and we walked about the neighborhood. Visited the kids behind the house from Rumah Keluarga Kami. Really sweet, well-behaved bunch. I don't know if the carrying Elil around in a sling was a good idea because I could not straighten my back for a while after. By 7 in the evening though I feel like collapsing and never getting up again.

Nowadays Elil is back to her usual routine of sleeping by 9:30 - 10:00 pm most nights. I think this is a healthy time. Gives us mummy and daddy enough time with her before she's out for the night. Lately I have not been able to stay awake long enough to put her to bed. Most nights daddy is the one keeping an eye on her as she falls asleep. Mummy is right there fast asleep. Oh I feel so horrible about it. I don't play with her like I used to. I have to force myself to feed her dinner, giving her a bath takes so much energy, even washing her bum-bum is tiring. I feel like such a lousy mother. And I only have 6 months left with Elil before I have to start 'sharing'. I want to give her everything before then, all my time all my energy. But my body is not cooperating. As it is, most my time is spent away from her. I hate it. This isn't how it should be.

I want to be able to watch her wake up in the mornings. Prepare and feed her meals. Bath her and brush her teeth. Play with her, teach her. I want to be the one to teach her new words and hear her speak them for the first time. I want her to cling to me and know that I am always there with her. I want to make Bento meals for her and watch her amazement as she sees my creations. I want to clean her cd's and chuck 'em in the machine. I want to sing to her and listen to her sing with me before she dozes off for her afternoon nap. I want to be more of a mother, I want to be involved in more things. I don't want to hear it from someone else her achievements that day. I want to be the one telling the story to daddy.

And now with #2 on the way, it just takes away what little time I have with Elil to begin with. I feel like I'm neglecting her. I feel like I'm not there enough. And it sucks. It really sucks. I hate it. I rally hate it. *Sigh*