Who am I?
Am I the person who prepares the meals hoping it would turn out just right?
Am I the being who clears the table and wipes the dishes clean?
Am I the lady who washes, folds and irons the clothes?
Am I the mummy who brushes, bathes and dresses?
Am I the saviour who plants kisses and blows where it hurts?
Am I the woman who waits eagerly every day for him to return?
Am I the presence who loves with all her heart?
Am I the eager one who struggles to impress?
Who am I?
Am I just the above?
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Inspiration comes from a steaming hot tub mixed with mint, pine and rosemary aromatherapy bubble bath and a 2008 French red. - Pu
My nose humbles me. I have thought about that many times in recent years. And as much insecurities and pain it has caused me, I thank the Lord for depriving me of a bridge. I started feeling 'ugly' about the time I had my first boyfriend (funny how that is). It was a phase; hey, everyone has an 'ugly phase'! Mine lasted about 3 years; after that I felt average, for the most part. And a few times in between pretty even, there were times I settled for 'cute'. Oh, before any judgement boils out from the bellies of some of you who are reading this, please know that I do not write this out of self- pity, nor do I expect any sympathy. Even more so, please do not scorn me for being so shallow. I was young. This comes directly from within me out onto your screen, as honest as I can ever be. Today, I am 32, I still have my insecurities and beautiful (externally) people still intimidate me, average people make me feel comfortable in my own skin (unless they are super smart, then I am back to feeling intimidated) and ugly people are just well, ugly. Ugly, of course, until you get to know them and if they are nice then suddenly they are not so ugly anymore. But hey, that happens to beautiful (on the outside) people too, if they suck on the inside, then somehow they become ugly on the outside as well. And before you start throwing your judgement at me again, beauty (and ugliness the same) is in the eye of the beholder. As cliche as that sounds, it's totally true. What's beautiful to you could be hideous to someone else.
Anyway, back to the nose. A dear friend once called it 'button nose'. Apparently that's supposed to be cute, maybe for a 2 year old! That's ok, to each his/her own. Twice in my life (believe it or not) has anyone ever (that I know of) mentioned or spoke of my nose in a negative and insulting way. The first from a boy called Mikhael in University who thought he was parading the latest trend with his thick black-rimmed glasses (not cool at all). I hardly knew him and could not call him a friend, but he had the audacity to come up to me one day during lunch and ask me, "Why is your nose like that?". In (shocked) reply, I calmly said, "I don't know. Genetics." What was he expecting? A tragic story of how a Sabahan 4WD Ninja rammed into my face one unfortunate afternoon? That was a real hurtful and awkward moment for me. Until then, the most I have felt from people (with regards to my not so gorgeous nose) is looks of avoidance. You know how when someone has a huge zit right at the tip of their nose and as hard as you try to avoid looking at it, somehow your eyes get drawn to it anyway? Yea, that. Haha! I SO know the feeling, totally unavoidable sometimes unless you have super strong will power.
The second time was years later. And I do not wish to go into details. This was like a sharp dagger piercing through my (I am tempted to say heart but would like to avoid cliche again) whole being and just breaking all 28 years of me into pieces right there. I don't know what felt worse, the incident that day or someone (very high on my, 'I love you' list) telling me, "You are SOOO ugly!" (disgusted look included). It's ok though, all is forgiven, though not forgotten. Hey, you can't forget everything! You don't want to risk forgetting the lessons you have learned from your experiences as well, right? In any case, if you are wondering, my heart has healed. And in case you are judging me and accusing me of being a 'drama queen', it's ok. Go ahead, judge me you judger.
How can a nose humble a person, you may wonder? Well, for one I can't possibly be accused of being 'hidung tinggi'. (On and off) since I was 15, I have wished for a 'normal' (hey, who's to say what's normal?) nose. I figured, I could accept my legs (though I wish they were longer), my hips (that were not boyishly narrow enough), my hair no matter how I had it didn't succeed in making me look any better. And hey, my grades that were never really good enough! Oh, the pressure of being 15 and a girl! As a teenager and a young adult, I judged myself based on my appearance, and to me that was pretty much based on my nose, right there at the centre of my face! But I exaggerate, really, it was not too bad, I had other things going for me. I had a good fit body. Genetics and swimming helped me there.
Anyway, a decade and a half later, I still look at my nose with disdain. Hey, it's the first thing I see when I look in the mirror, ok! It bothers me, yes but much less so now that I have matured. What I feel when I look in the mirror now (not a 100% of the time, I still have my bad days) is BLESSED. Totally blessed that the only real and outstanding flaw I find in my (outer) self, is my nose. And maybe to some of the few people who truly love me not even a flaw. But something beautiful and unique to Pu Ei.
The Lord, He has given me this perfectly functioning body. My neck that supports my head straight, a head that holds a brain that functions perfectly - controlling my complete limbs, 20 fingers and 20 toes. My spine that allows complete movement. Hair. I have hair. My speech that I may have endless conversations with my husband, and my sight that I may watch my children grow. My sense of smell that I may smell the yummy curry my mother-in-law has made and my sense of touch that I may embrace my parents. My healthy internal organs that carry out my internal processes efficiently. My body though having born two children is still in good shape. How could have this tiny 'flaw' or 'imperfection' have made me so miserable? How could I have allowed it? How could I be so shallow and insensitive? Well, I truly believe that God gave me my flaws (my nose especially) as a lesson. To keep me grounded. He has his ways of grounding His children. And He's had His way with me through the years. And I am grateful that it's actually been a not so tough journey of learing and self-discovery. What He has in store for me, I don't know....