Guilt Trips

Some time last week I was feeding Elil her dinner at the table. She was on her high-chair and I was seated beside her. Meal time was going ok initially but after several spoonfuls she suddenly started crying. A manja cry. She had her arms stretched out to me and obviously wanted me to pick her up. Instead of picking her up immediately, I tried to pacify her first. Maybe she was thirsty? So I gave her some water. Or maybe she wanted her toy that dropped on the floor? That didn't work either. She just wanted to be in her mummy's arms. So I stood up and pulled her up slowly out of the high chair. This didn't happen smoothly though, she was a little stuck but I continued to pull her up slowly anyway. Hoping she would eventually wriggle herself out. Then suddenly she lets out this really loud cry and in moments is screaming on top of her lungs. I know instantly that I have hurt her. I release her gently back into the chair and realize that her thigh was stuck under the tray and as I pulled her out, it was scraping against her skin. It was red and bruised. I then removed the tray and held her close to me making sure I was not touching the scraped area. Poor thing was bawling. I held her tight and kept telling her I was sorry but she seemed upset, angry even with me. I don't know if other mother's feel this way too but the guilt that just rushed through me was unbelievable. Obviously she was in pain and maybe in a little shock but she was fine. No permanent damage. But I felt like such a failure. My sister and Mon were around. Both were silent. I kept thinking to myself, they probably think I'm an incompetent mother. I definitely felt like one.

Another incident happend on Monday. At the dinner table again. She was having soft rice with boiled carrots and fried fish. I put a small bowl in front of her with little balls of the soft rice, small carrot cubes and tiny pieces of fish. She's had quite a bit feeding herself and me giving her some in between. Watching me tear pieces of fried fish off the fillet she gets excited and wants the fillet. I don't want to give it to her but she's crying for it. And it's SO HARD to not give her what she wants. So I compromise, I cut off a bigger piece from the fillet and let her hold it. She is so happy. She starts to bite off pieces and chew slowly. I continue to make little rice balls for her and not a split second later, she has the whole chunk in her mouth. I PANIC. She coughs a little, her face turns a little flushed and she looks like she's about to choke. I think the fish is not in her throat yet. So instantly, with my thumb and forefinger I push her jaw apart and try to pull the piece of fish out of her mouth. Alas, no fish. She's swallowed it. There was no choking threat afterall but there was difficulty in swallowing hence the cough. In my panic, I must have been a little rough and gave her a shock. And she burst into tears. My Boo Boo was so angry with me. Again I hold her in my arms and try my best to comfort her. She was not very forgiving. Only till I showed her the little fishies in uncle Allen's huge aquarium of course. In an instant she was quiet and smiling. My heart doesn't stop beating at 5 gazillion bpm until much later.

Ahhh...my baby...how do I love thee, let me count the ways....