He spoke to me again

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

PTL

Created Equal

I have always known and felt that people are people no matter their background, upbringing, race, religion, native soil, etc. In the eyes of our Creator, we are equal. The only difference between us all; rich-poor, beautiful-hideous, healthy-sick, royal-common, powerful-weak, literate-iliterate, privileged-underprivileged, permanent-contingent, is circumstance. I repeat. CIRCUMSTANCE. We are all victims of circumstance. A big part of who we are is determined by the condition in which we are brought up or situation we are exposed to. So the fact that you have the opportunity to read this blog proves that you are fortunate and blessed and that chances are you were born under decent circumstances.

You need to know that where I was brought up I never experienced much racial or class divide. Maybe I was ignorant and naive and could not see what was going on in front of me. Or maybe this was due to the fact that I lived in a middle class neighbourhood, attended a middle class school and I socialized with a middle class society. Maybe it's because when raising their daughters my parents never mentioned or focused on differences between people. We were never made to feel that we were better (or worse) than anyone else. We were and still are ordinary people. In no means is ordinary bad by the way. Maybe its a result of the degree of 'rojakness' within the people that we are able to feel somewhat united. Or maybe we are fused together through our love for 'aramaiti'. Whatever the reason, I strongly believe that we need to start treating each other with equal respect. No one person is more deserving of respect than another. We need to stop judging. As humanly impossible as it seems, we need to try. We need to be more compassionate. Empathy not pity.

Why is it there is so much conflict arising from our differences? Can't we celebrate our diversity? We tend to frown upon people, things or situations that don't register in our minds as normal or acceptable. There are 6.6 billion people on our planet! 6.6 billion different lives, with different cultures and beliefs. 6.6 billion hearts, with different joys and fears. 6.6 billion different views on what is right or wrong. 6.6 billion different ways of leading a life. All lives equally important, all eager to feel validated and believe they matter. All equally entitled to their own happiness and freedom to make choices. Yet we choose to live in our own little closed minded worlds. Refusing to open our hearts to the fact that there is life, real life beyond our own. I truly believe that if we could start treating each other the way we would like to be treated ourselves and to have consideration to a person's feelings as if it were our own, the world would be a better place to live in!

I'm so blessed with the best friends

.... wish i could be eleven again, and my biggest worry regarding you was tht you wont be at the drain when i get there.remember? i dont think i ever walked around that drain, its like, a whole extra 20 stepsbut you were always there.

.... in you, Pu, i see a strong person, someone who can always make the best of a situation. thats what i see, i don't know if you don't feel it. i'll always be here for you. i tolong you cross the drain. if you jatuh i help you out, i give u baju so u can mandi.i hope there will come a time when we can all laugh about this. take care, and hugs. to elil too.

:)-- Selina

Drowning

I swim.
I drown.
Drowning,
in tears.
A pool of mud!
Like quicksand,
pulled deeper and deeper.
The weight unbearable,
it presses on my being.
Too weak to fight it.
Tired. Jaded.

I swim.
I drown.
Drowning,
in tears.
A pool of mud!

It aches.
Tears. Draining.
No more tears. Drained.
Numb.

Help.
Please,
pull me out.
Help.

Real Girl

If I had one chance to

Live my life again

I wouldn't make no changes

Now or way back when (yeah)

And if everything turns out

The way I hope it goes

But I cant wait to find out

What it is that God knows

But I don't wanna think about

What's gonna come around for me

I'll just take it day by day

'Cause it's the only way

To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else'

Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

And nothing's ever perfect

There's no guarantee

And if I knew the answers

It would put my mind at ease (no)

So I'll just keep on going

The way I've gone so far

And maybe I'll end up

Tryin' to catch a fallin star (yeah)

But I don't wanna think about

What's gonna come around for me

I'll just take it day by day

'Cause it's the only way

To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else

'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

Baby this is who I am

Don't need you to understand

'Cause everything is right where it should be

It wont be long til you know about me,

'Cause I don't give a...Even when I'm out of love

'Cause everythings just how it should be

And it wont be long till you know about me

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else

'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

I never pretend to be something I'm not

You get what you see, when you see what I've got

We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl

I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself

I don't need permission from nobody else

'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl

I know exactly who I am

I have been tagged by chantekmaumatee...

Write 6 weird things about yourself.

This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so damn normal. Hmm....

1. I drink water from a glass or a clear container only.

2. (half an hour later) Gee....

Ok guys, I can't think of anything else. Anyone want to help me out here? What about me is weird?

Thanks.

Jaded

JADED. Meaning worn-out, broken-down or weary.

Happy 50th Birthday Malaysia! Merdeka!

8 reasons why I 'love' being Malaysian:

1. Malaysians still do not give up their seats to pregnant women, the elderly, handicapped,etc. in public transportation even when there are signs to do so posted everywhere. Even after several ads are aired on tv telling people to do so. I know from first hand experience.

2. I was at the Ikea restaurant just the other day with Ots (during the members sale). It was lunch time so the place was packed. After several minutes looking for a place to sit, we finally find half a table. A table for four occupied by two. So I do the polite thing and asked the seated couple if the two seats next to them were occupied. They said no. So I waited a few seconds for the guy to move his shopping bag and the girl to move her handbag. They give me this hesitant look and the girl has the nerve to say, "Urm, our bags are here". I couldn't believe my ears. I just stand there stunned. Then I turn to Ot's and say real sarcastically, "I guess their bags are tired and need to sit". We walk off. It wasn't until later that I realized how terrible their action really was. I was standing there in front of them with Elil in my arms and Otta is 4 months pregnant! Holy cow!

3. Malaysians don't know how to queue properly. Restrooms. Why is it we can't have a single line so that people get to use the loo in proper turn? Why is it we still insist on having one line for each stall? It's just wrong. I must admit I am guilty of this too but only because if I did wait the proper way, I may never have the chance to use the loo.

4. A lot of the time our newspapers give us half-truths and most of us just take it all in. I just laugh.

5. We claim to be united. Are we really?

6. I have just about had enough of holding the world record for having the biggest flag, highest flag pole, biggest curry puff, etc. Whatever.

7. Government offices/departments. Enough said. I hear they have plans to improve their 'services with a smile'.

8. Our favorite (or only) pastime is jalan-jalan in a shopping mall (especially people in and around the KL area).

Lonely

My mother left yesterday. She's back in KK. I know she left with mix feelings. Wanting to be back with Meriel and my father, also needing to feel at home again. Needing to be here with me, to take care of me and to just enjoy Elil. I miss her dearly. It was so hard to leave her at the airport. I gave her a quick hug and immediately pulled away. I couldn't even look her in the eyes. I cried all the way back to Kajang.

I prayed for a good night last night. Elil was an angel. So easy to please. She is downstairs at this moment sleeping soundly in her cot. It hurts me to be so far away from her (I am upstairs). I can't help but want her near me and with me at all times. I want my husband near me at all times too. But right now he is so far away and it makes things even more unbearable. Since Elil was born, there has not been a moment where I felt like were a family. It's kind of sad. I hope to feel it soon. I cannot wait for my husband to be back to complete this new family of ours.

I can't explain what I feel when I hold Elil in my arms, when I look at her sleeping. The pride, the love, the peace, the joy. She is just so perfect and beautiful through and through. I want to spend every moment with her be it a peaceful and quiet moment or a restless and crying night. I want to hold her and never let her go. I want to hold my husband and never let him go. Four more days before I get to be in his arms again. Time could not go by more slowly.

It was so nice. I got the chance to dress up a little for Elil's full moon AND the end of my confinement. Yay! Ok, I cheated a bit, I have actually been out shopping the past few days in some dingy little mall 5 minutes away. Carol and Yo will be able to tell you how little and how dingy. Anyhow, never judge a mall by its size or appearance. To my delight, the Levi's/Dockers store at the mall's entrance has turned into a factory outlet. After months of not being able to shop for 'normal' clothes, you don't know how excited this made me. Even my mom was all puppy-panting excited. Plus while I was pregnant I told myself the first thing I'm going to get for myself after delivering is a nice pair of hot-hot jeans. Heh heh. So back to the store, there weren't many stuff for women but the collection they did have were real nice and my size plus the jeans were going for 100 bucks. So I tried on a couple but ended up getting only a pair, 593's. I should be giving this mall more credit man. So this was on Monday.

The day before Sunday. Carol and I went to the same mall, to shop. Duh. I didn't plan on getting anything. Carol wanted to get a document bag so we went hunting for bags. Everything was on sale. So strong the temptation. Alas I didn't get anything. In Parkson anyway. So we walked around the mall a bit. Baby shops are now very tempting as well so we went into a few. Got one of those rubber bath mats for Elil. Did a little more browsing then I thought to myself what would a shopping trip be without a visit to the shoe store. So excite! First shoe store, I got myself a pair of maroon closed-toe flats yang sungguh classic for RM19.90. Second store, I got another shiny classic maroon number with kitten heels for RM38.00. So beauty! Did I mention I need to give this mall more credit? So lumayan my trip to the mall. I'm satisfied, so enough shopping for now.

Wanna see my pretty red toes?

Beware pregnant and postnatal women!

Ever heard of a gas/air embolism? Well, in short a gas embolism happens when gas/air enters the blood stream and obstructs oxygen-rich blood from flowing through the body. Basically no blood to your brain, lungs, heart, etc. I'm sure you get what I mean. You can die!

Bet you don't know how (easily) you can get a gas/air embolism? Gas can be introduced into the blood stream of a pregnant woman or a woman who has just given birth (usually less than 6 weeks after delivery) by blowing air into the vagina. This can easily happen while oral sex is being performed on the woman. If you're not scared or shocked or freaked yet, read this article, Death By Sex.

Isn't it surprising that most people know little or nothing about gas embolisms and how easily they can occur? And what the potential consequences are? The way I see it, a lot of pregnant and postnatal women are probably not up to having intercourse (often) during this period because a) it's hard to find a comfortable position when your'e a balloon and b) I don't think the episiotomy has fully healed yet. So the closest substitute? Probably oral sex! Who would have guessed something so pleasurable could end up being fatal.

So now you know! Feel free to share this information with friends and family.

Want to know more about embolisms?, click Embolisms.

I've been wanting to do this for some time now....

In no particular order. You know who you are.

I love you because you can't bear to see a friend hurt or upset. There will never be a moment when I am in distress and you are not there to console me. It's ok that you occasionaly forget important dates! In difficult times, just knowing you are my friend is enough to get me through. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve you. I thank God for you.

I love you because you have seen the worst in me and you love me still. You will never let anything come between us. There is so much you hide behind your 'ah-lien' exterior that it's sometimes hard to read you but inside you have only goodness and kindness to give. I thank God for you.

I love you because (it may not show but) deep down you have the biggest heart. You have always felt it your responsibility to protect me. We always had a special connection, a strong bond. Lately, we see less of each other and seldom connect like we used to but still I know you love me. I thank God for you.

I love you because (although you find it so hard to show,) you love me unconditionally. All you have ever wanted for me is peace and happiness. We may have had our rough patches but through it all I know that you never stopped loving me. I take you for granted sometimes. I wish I didn't. I thank God for you.

I love You because You are my Saviour. Without You I am nothing. All You want is my friendship. I fall, give up and turn away from You but every single time You will pick me up if only I let You. Your unending love and grace fills me up and moves me to tears. I thank You.

I love you because you are true to yourself, real and sincere. You have a strong head on your shoulders and for that I admire you. Your strength and ability to see things as they are has helped me through many a tough time. I can always trust you. You will make a fantastic mom one day! I thank God for you.

I love you because you have been my pillar my whole life. I look up to you. Your wisdom, strength and patience is inspiring. Your love for and faithfulness to God is admirable. I want to have your patience. I want to be like you. I love how our relationship has grown and matured over the years. I thank God for you.

I love you because of your gentleness and patience, your sweetness and affection, your humor. I know sometimes I can be overbearing and demanding but your love never fails. I will become a better person for you. I have faith in our love - our decision to love each other. I thank God for you.

I love you because you are the baby. You will forever be the baby. I have always felt the need to protect you and nurture you. Your'e a big girl now but to me you will forever be the sweetest little thing. I trust you will always honor and live up to my 'cacatness'. Keep Jesus close to your heart. I thank God for you.

I love you because you are mine. You and I are permanently connected through our experience together while you were forming in my womb and when I introduced you the the world. You are my sunshine. You are my angel. You don't have to do anything or be anyone in particular to make me love you. I love you unconditionally. I thank God for you.

I love you because of your humor and your freaky ways. No one makes cacatness seem cool like you do. I wish I had half your wit. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I enjoy our conversations be it about meaningless crap or our innermost feelings or even gossip. We don't do this often enough so get your butt here! I thank God for you.

I love you because you have always been there for me. You have always been there to support me in everything. Your guidance and lessons have helped me in so many ways. I don't tell you often enough how much I appreciate all you have done. Sometimes I want to give you a long hard hug just to let you know how much you mean to me. I thank God for you.

I love you because you always manage to turn a sad or depressing situation into something fun and exciting. There's never a dull moment when you're around! I truly appreciate the times when I've been down and you are there to cheer me up and put a smile on my face. I thank God for you.

My pot of gold came early

Check her out:

Mummy's Angel

TESTIMONIAL #1

Last night an event did not turn out the way I hoped and expected. Don't sweat the small stuff my sister always says. And yea, it wasn't a big deal really. But to me, small things matter so much. I can't explain why. And this particular incident, although seemingly insignificant made me sad. I was disappointed and frustrated. To me it was a sign of things to come, a forming pattern that would keep on occurring (in different ways) until it did eventually amount to something significant or BIG. But as mentioned in my previous entry, I am now capable of blocking out negative thoughts (better than I used to anyway) and I tried to push it aside instead of allowing myself to turn into the drama queen that I am (hey, I didn't ask to be this way). So I told myself, "Pu let it be...." I bid my farewell to Ots and upon hearing her voice, I couldn't help but cry. Relax she told me, all will be fine. I know that. I thought of God and aknowledged his constant presence.

I am in the process of moving to Kajang and am clearing my room in stages. My car was loaded with clothes, boxes of books/magazines, my art stuff, etc. and I prepared for the drive back. I didn't want to cry but heck when your'e sad and there's no one there to comfort you, a few tears always help. So I allowed myself to let go. As I was driving down the hill, I switched on the radio and as usual, it's all crap. Then I remembered that I just got my ipod charged and uploaded with some praise and worship songs that Meriel had given me. I am instantly relieved that I at least have quality music to entertain me during my drive back. I always set my ipod on shuffle. I forget what the first song was but I skipped it. Then Alanis Morisette's Ironic came on and I skipped it too (but I love that song!). At that same moment I prayed for some praise and worship just to soothe my heavy heart. And of all the 115 hits and 20 p&w songs in my ipod, I hear a voice and this is what it says,

"God we lay down our burdens, our cares, our troubles before you because truly (music starts playing gently) you are our all in all, you are our king of kings, and we worship you today, we praise your name because of who you are and what youv'e done for us...."

The moment I hear these comforting words, I break down sobbing. This time tears of pure joy (remember the joy I was looking for?). Overcome with peace. He spoke to me and assured me that when I am troubled or broken, all I have to do is seek Him and I will be free and made whole again. The feeling was AMAZING, I felt like I could do anything, overcome everything. I could not stop thanking Him over and over again. I have always felt God's presence in my life but this time it rushed through me stronger than ever before.

And then, the song starts....

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that i seek

You are my all in all

Seeking you as a precious jewel

Lord to give up I'd be a fool

You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again I bless your name

You are my all in all

When I fall down you pick me up

When I am dry you fill my cup

You are my all in all

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Jesus lamb of god

Worthy is your name

Although an old song that I have known for ages now, You Are My All In All (by Hillsong if I am not mistaken) has recently (some months now) touched me in a way never before and I've made a request for it to be played during my wedding as I walk down the isle. Now more than before, it holds special meaning to me.

True happiness - joy is something we have to work hard to achieve and an experience we need to constantly nurture and continuously grow.

One last thing, I received a promotion today. Not the one that I have been waiting for but maybe something better. Praise the Lord!

Happy people make me wanna barf

I have been reading people's blogs lately and it makes me sick how happy some people can be. I know I sound bitter. I am. Honestly, is it really possible to be THAT happy? It's disgusting. It's not that I'm depressed or anything. I just can't help it if I find it annoying that some people seem to live in a fairy tale of happily ever after. Why is it I am not deliriously happy??

I've tried it all. Think happy thoughts, always be positive, take each day at a time, pray and let God, etc. They all kinda work to a certain extent, and yea I'm 'happy' for that moment but then I'm back where I started in no time. Praying helps and I feel relief and am able to keep myself above average in the happiness department but still, something is lacking. I need the happiness or joy to run through me and live in me. Inside, I am just blek. I want to be thrilled and eager to live life. I want to be excited to see what tomorrow brings. I want to be me. I want US. I want peace.

What have I to look forward to? The future stresses me out. Not thinking about it helps. The constant worry I have over my future happiness is stopping me from experiencing happiness now. I have actually mastered the art of blocking all (ok not all, just about 80% of) negative thoughts out of my head, which is great but in the process I've come to realize happiness is not something that will surely follow. Why not?? True happiness - joy does not come about from something that happens to you or something someone does for you. It comes from within. How do I bring it out? How in the hell do happy people do it?

While waiting for an answer, I keep this verse close to heart:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,
And lean not on thine own understanding,
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct thy path.

Proverbs 3: 5-6