You don't really know love until....

You don't really know love until you have a child. You think you know what true love is. And then you have a baby. You watch her grow. Develop a personality. Show signs of attachment and dependency. You love her today and more tomorrow. You find there is nothing, absolutely nothing to not love. You want to share every waking, sleeping, pooping, drinking, eating, learning, growing moment with her. You want to be the one to wash her clothes, clean her diapers, prepare her food, fold those tiny rompers, rub the yu yee oil when she has colic, comb her hair (provided she has hair, ahem), clip her finger and toe nails, watch her sleep, be there when she wakes, tuck her in bed, bathe her. You want to be the one she depends on, the one she runs to for comfort. And when you are away from her, you think of all these things that you are missing. All the moments when it isn't your arms she runs to to kiss her bumped head. When it isn't you feeding her a snack. Not you playing peekaboo with her. Not you she stares at as she blinks hers eyes and falls asleep in the afternoon. And it kills you inside. You resent your 'replacement'. And this is when you realize, THIS is what love is! This is how it feels to love TRULY and UNCONDITIONALLY.

I look at my child - her tiny but 'tagap' body, the light strands of hair, tiny hands and feet, the little angel face, chubby bum, eyes that with one look can melt your heart and a smile full of sunshine and I am overwhelmed. The power of this amazing love and pure admiration washes over me, through me. I cannot explain it. And staring at her, it's like this miracle happening before me over and over again. And I feel it in my soul, through my spirit. Maybe not all of it. But I feel our Father in heavens' love for us. We are His children. Just like how my baby is mine. And I understand somewhat His love for us. His great hurt for us when we are sad or wounded or broken and burdened. His willingness to forgive over and over again no matter what the deed. The great pain when we are away from Him, when we are not in His bosom. This realization, revelation to me has opened me up to a deeper relationship with Him and I will forever praise and thank Him for this opportunity. The opportunity to love as He loves (somewhat).

You know how some people know from a very early age what their purpose in life is. The people who have had life long interests and passions that eventually become their career. Those lucky people who never had a second thought or never had to 'waste' time trying to figure things out. Well, I'm not one of them. I've always known one thing though, I have never been a career woman. I have never seen myself climbing the corporate ladder. However, when the opportunity came along for me to build my career, I took it nervously but happily. I could see myself doing well too. But as fate would have it, this was not to be my path. Suddenly, emotions and priorities and a lot of hormones changed. I had this little mircale growing inside me and demanding such attention from me. And then she became my career, my path. Because of this constant and intense feeling of wanting and needing to love, nurture, protect and raise my child, I now know my purpose and path in life. I need, no I want to be a mother.A mother who is there. More than anything. It makes no sense to me spending 11 out of 24 hours in a day away from MY child. This leaves me with 13 hours where 10 of these hours she spends sleeping. Wow a whole 3 hours a day with my baby! 15 hours a week! Woohoo! Oh but don't forget the weekends. Ok, Saturday's are spent with relatives who also need their special time with my angel and Sunday's go by too quickly. There always seems to be something or another going on. I live this and it hurts me. The person who's purpose in life is to nurture, protect and raise. I long and pray for the day I can live out my purpose. In faith it will be soon.